Inch by Inch

And it goes on and on and on...

2011-07-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

My journey just keeps moving forward, sometimes faster than I can keep up. I try to remember to update this blog, but it falls by the wayside as my life sweeps my feet out from under me and carries me on the current. My first weekend with Master J and Lady H went spectactular, so much so that I am now serving as their submissive. The photo shoot had its ups and downs but overall, I think it went really well and can't wait to see how my return to porn is recieved :)

I'm on my way back to see them this weekend and can't wait. I feel an odd sense of safety around them, like I can be myself, I can relax and know that they aren't going to think I'm a total nut. The only downside is that I won't be seeing them again until after my sister is married in September, there just won't be any time. I'm exited to see my little sister married, but it's a shame that I have to wait that long until I see them again.

Dahlia is growing bigger, and I recently upgraded her to a larger tank which she immediately explored. If snakes had expressions, I'd say she was delighted. I've got her in proper lighting too and you can tell it's had a profound effect on her as she's wandering around her tank every night and seems much more content with her surroundings. It makes me happy. The cats have rediscovered her now that she's left her temporary home in my closet, but a couple squirt bottle spritzes have stopped them from trying to climb on the tank. My kitties are so good :)

Anyways, on the ferry right now, pondering how lonely the ocean is. Talk soon :)

Days go by...

2011-06-30T09:04:00.000-07:00

Things are looking up these days, something I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to say. I'm doing my first photoshoot as a model in over two years, with a couple from the Island that I'm meeting this weekend, and then modeling for at the end of July. It's a very cool fairy tale inspired shoot, and I'm super excited to be a part of it.

I'm also (potentially) going to be submitting to them - I told Master J that I was putting myself in their capable hands and that they could decide what would or would not happen. I'm torn between paralyzing fear and crazy excitement, which is a pretty wild combination that leaves me somewhat damp and squirming. We shall see how everything goes.

I have photographed Delilah Diabolic again and she has a very promising career in burlesque, she had a really rough show, but if you didn't know how she rehearsed her routine, you'd never have known, she held herself together great. It was her first paid gig which had her over the moon happy. She did spectacular and I'm so proud to be following her career as her "official" photographer.

This blog might be moving soon! I'm looking at potentially registering the domain name and linking it up to my hosting site once I've got a stronger grasp on wordpress. I'm learning it right now as part of my "real" job as a marketing assistant and digital media person so we'll see how that goes.

Anyways, I must be off. Love and perverted kisses to all.

Subversion is the key,

New Pet

2011-06-11T11:55:00.000-07:00

I am the proud owner of a little butter motley corn snake! SO much excitment. I'm also photographing Delilah Diabolic again tonight, so enjoy the snake pics and stay tuned for updates!

A year!

2011-05-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been over a year since I last posted in this blog! Since last year, I've seperated from J and begun my journey back to kink and polyamory as a happier and emotionally healthier human being. Things are so different these days. I dropped out of college in August and spent six months job hunting until I finally started work in February of this year. I'm in reception and marketing at a custom timber frame housing company and love my job.

I also finally moved out for what is hopefully the last time. I found a cute little suite in Aldergrove, not far from work and I bike to and from work every day which has resulted in an hour of cardio. Will know next week if it's doing anything as I only just started biking on a regular basis.
I got my learners in June last year and am nearly at the end of it. After I return from a trip to Edmonton to see my friends, I'll be allowed to take my N and see if I can drive all by my lonesome.

My photography isn't paying the bills yet, but I've been doing so much of it, that I'm really not worried. I just donated a $250 photo package to the BC Children's Hospital silent auction at the Royal Bank, and I've been out at events all over Vancouver, I got to watch and photograph the Terminal City Roller Girl's All-Star bout against Portland's Heartless Heathers (where they decimated the Heartless Heathers 170-58. I love my roller girls)

I also got to participate in the first Slut Walk in Vancouver this year It was inspirational to hear the rousing speeches and watch as 2000 people grouped together to walk for the rights of rape victims. Signs like "Respect is sexy" "I'm wearing my "Rape Me" socks" and "I take No for an answer" filled the streets and the Vancouver Police did an admirable job protecting walkers, riding around on motorcycles and stopping traffic to allow us to pass.

That's all for today's updates.

Subversion is the key,

Sorting Life...

2010-04-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

I'm working my way bit by bit through life these days. I was sick for two weeks and have only been back at school for a week. But the point is I'M HERE! I missed school - daytime televsion is the pits!

Both litters of kittens my cat studded for have been born. Four each, and all eight have opened their eyes. There's two really sweet white ones, two dark tabbys, three black, and one - for some reason - orange. They are super sweet. Puff, my ex's cat, has moved her kittens under the bed now that they are moving around. Boobs' kittens aren't moving as much yet. No walking at least. Mum has said that I can have one, bringing the total of cats in our once cat-free house to two. Hopefully I will move downstairs soon and then, who knows.

I'm getting my tattoo worked on today. It's been almost a year since I started it, and I'm stoked to get more work done finally. I'll post pictures soon!

Anyways, off I dash. Must pay attention to class.
-K

Lost

2010-04-06T11:56:00.001-07:00

You're walking through my thoughts,
Running through my dreams
And all at once I have to wonder
If anything is what it seems

If the choice I made
On that cool winter night
Was the thing to make me happy
The thing to make it right

What I thought would happen
The reason I went away
Has been growing colder
Cannot be kept at bay

So I sit here thinking
Of all that we did share
I wonder if you still love me
I wonder if you care

Or is it too late...

T-minus six days...

2010-02-09T11:11:00.000-08:00

In six days I leave this life that I've discovered in Edmonton, leave the girl I fall for a little more each day and hope for the best as I fly back into BC. The girl I'm with is flying back with me for a week and I'm bringing my cat with me as well. Some parts of Edmonton will come with me... but still, it feels a little off. I was just getting comfortable with this whole Edmonton thing, just starting to settle and I'm uprooting again, completely of my own choice.

I picked up my cat from my old apartment today, I just can't bear to leave him there any longer. Pretty much everytime I go down there, there's no food or water and the litter box is a mess. It worries me. It's much more comforting to watch him being chased around by my roommate's 5 month old kitten. Very cute.

What am I going to do when I get back to BC? I'm still trying to figure out what's going on at my school and I've given up emailing them since it wasn't producing results. However, I am going down there when I get back and whining at Christa until she tells me what's happening with me completeing classes.

Wish me luck...

Subversion is the key.
-K

Can't stay mad...

2010-01-18T08:52:00.000-08:00

... when she looks at me, cuddles up to me. I'm frustrated and I try to stay angry but she snuggles up against me, nibbles at my neck. She's just so darn cute that I smile and laugh with her and everything's alright again.

And the sex is great...

Subversion is the key.
-K

My Sweet Love...

2010-01-16T08:45:00.000-08:00

Had a fantastic night with my lady fair. Went to the library and learned tons about counterinsurgency while searching for books for a project she's working on. She didn't have time to head down before they closed, so I got to help out ^.^ I found her tons of resources and am quite pleased with what I picked out. She seems to be too.

Came to her house after going home to shower, shave and put on some make up, and had a great dinner - gotta love a woman who can cook AND work on cars - and a great time afterwards lol. I think it was some of the best sex we've had so far. I'm off this weekend and plan to fill my time with flea market hunting, clubbing and hopefully more mind-blowing sex ^.^

Subversion is the key.
-K

New look, New Year...

2010-01-03T02:58:00.000-08:00

If anyone still reads this thing, you may have noticed a change in scenery. One can only handle the same layout for so long and this one got sick of that old layout. So, out with the old, in with the new. And the news.

I've been off citalopram for almost a month now. I'm struggling a little, trying to keep away that dark place that chased me into the land of pills, but for the most part am doing ok. That fact is mostly due to the support of an incredible new person in my life. When I moved to Edmonton, I kind of expected to date my girl and not get too close to anyone else. I knew I had to come back for school and I was scared to lose people. Instead, I found an amazing woman who's journey to get where she is inspires me every day.

I finally got a new camera, a Nikon D200. Not a brand new camera, not the highest in it's class, but a damned good camera as the case may be and I'm fairly impressed with it so far. I need to get out and do a good shoot with it, see how it compares to my old D60, and start saving for a D700. (Of course, by the time I've done that, there will be a newer, shinier version to purchase for twice the price and it will be passe.)

I'm losing weight - my favorite belt actually hangs on my hips again, and not even at the furthest hole, but instead, two in, and resting more comfortably than when it was at the last hole. I don't see a big differance when I look in the mirror, but my clothes whisper that I am indeed shrinking.

At the moment, no more news, because it's 4am and there is a beautiful woman sleeping in bed waiting for me to get sleepy and come cuddle her.

Subversion is the key...
-K

Misery made beautiful...

2009-12-05T19:18:00.000-08:00

I'm nervous. I'm excited.
I'm a thousand things, and one of them...

...is disappointment.

She didn't fight for me.

She just let me go.

Let me walk into the dragon's lair

and have the great creature strip me bare,

tear me to pieces and leave me aching and wanting...

...more

I wander this night

Back to the dominance

That brings me peace.

And yet...

Why does the one I love treat it

With such...

Indifferance

Is it possible... that the young one

has already won her...

heart?

I can't think of it... I won't

And so the dragon I go

To forget...

to breath...

to live...

To feel her lash my flesh...

...and be reborn into peace

Organizing....

2009-11-22T15:09:00.000-08:00

So I'm working on getting my blog organized into something that people might actually read. I'm going to be doing alot of fetish photography once I get my equipment replaced and I've been doing some neat bondage crafts that I'll post photos of. When my credit card is paid down, I'm going to register bondageandbodypaint.com for blog and personal photography purposes. Will set it up with a flash gallery for people to look at when they are reading my blog.

Then to get my business site set up - existentialphotographer.com

Wish me luck.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel.

Lost in this world...

2009-11-22T00:42:00.000-08:00

I'm still discovering who I am here in Edmonton. It's been a difficult process, made no less difficult by my recent illness and my own insecurities.

Almost 2 years ago I got out of a particularily bad open relationship. Prior to that I'd been in a very successful open relationship that left me very comfortable with my own polyamorous-ness. It had been short lived but a good learning experience and the couple that I was dating was wonderful. Then I met D and had an explosively bad relationship that ended with him leaving me for the other person in our relationship. With how badly that went and how badly it ended, only a great deal of love for my current partner had me entering a relationship with her, because she's already seeing a trans-woman here in Edmonton. I knew that moving out here, but it's still hard for me to see her leave me for the night and go to her tgirl.

It was especially hard the time she left for two nights - that's what D did the night before he dumped me. I'm fighting hard against my own issues, I love her so much and I have to trust that she's going to come home to me, that she does love me back.

We've taken a young woman under our wing, a very cute 18 year old submissive that reminds me of me when I dated Katt and Wolfe. A few weeks ago we did a needle play scene with her that was very very hot. She can take ALOT of pain which is sexy as hell. I miss being able to take that kind of pain and I want to work on getting back to it.

I'm struggling with my job right now. Of six pay cheques, I've been shorted on 5 of them. It's very frustrating and I'm seeking new employment to try and deal with the money issues. I've never been paid more than 60 hours which I'm beginning to suspect is a 7-11 conspiracy against their employees.

I'm so lost in this dEdmonton world and I'm trying so hard to find myself, to find out what my path is...

Somebody please shine a light for me...
Help me see...

Love and Kisses
Andro Angel

Sleepless

2009-10-08T23:35:00.000-07:00

You're asleep in the bedroom. While I wander naked through our apartment, head spinning, limbs shaking, desperate to fall under the same Sandman spell that holds you. Too many thoughts in this head of mine that drag me from the warmth and love of your arms into the cold chill of our night filled home. Too much darkness that has haunted me, that nips at my heels and threatens to destroy the happiness I have found.

I never want to feel that way again... that dark awful state that had me locked away, that leaves me dosed up on medication to keep me sane. I want you to be the only thing that I need to keep me sane, but I know what it was like before the medication. B.M. The awful days when nothing seemed right, nothing seemed safe and my own mind was something to run screaming from.

Will you care for me if the darkness takes over? If I fall once more into the blackened pit of my mind and get lost in the horror of my own insanity...

Money money money...

2009-08-09T18:13:00.000-07:00

Paycheque to-dos:
Buy bus ticket to Edmonton: $129.00
Pay Ashley back: $10.00
Payment on phone bill: $100.00
Buy Gym pass: $27.50

Total: $266.50

I get one more paycheque before I leave for Edmonton and hopefully I will have my credit card organized by the end of this week. Am looking forward to this trip more than I can say - saying goodbye to Har today was painful and it's eased a little knowing that it's not going to even be a month before I get to see her again.

Love and Kisses,
Angel

Complications

2009-08-06T13:21:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling alot with my mental and physical health this year. It's been a rough year and everytime I turn around my body is rebelling against me just to make things harder.

I've been trying to make sure that I spend lots of time around people I feel safe with. I need the physical contact, it keeps me grounded. I worry alot that I'm going to overwhelm people, but not being around people leaves me feeling lost. I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to drive people away.

Luckily, I have one person who lives right around the corner from me and is more than ok with being a cuddle-buddy. And my lovely lady is in town this week, got to spend lots of cuddle and play time with her on Monday night. I'm all marked up from our play time *giggles* and have other lovely marks from my cuddle-buddy. I can't really call him a f*ck buddy because we haven't been that far yet. *shrugs* We'll see.

Love and Kisses,
Angel

Never-never Land

2009-07-28T12:15:00.001-07:00

I’m beginning to feel like this is never going to happen. I was doing ok when I first started school, especially since we had only lost John a month earlier, and then I had that break down and was in the hospital for a week, and ever since I barely have the will to get out of bed in the morning.

I dropped another huge handful of goals today because everytime I looked at the list I got so overwhelmed. There’s so much I told myself I could do when I started here and now almost everything centers around getting better. Losing weight, exercising, sleeping better, getting over things… nothing but steps towards my mental health improving. If it ever does.

See more progress on: Beat my depression

Pink Hair, Parties and Photographs...

2009-07-22T13:13:00.001-07:00

So I've been up to quite alot the last few weeks. I've been photographing up a storm for school and for my own personal amusement, I've dyed my hair pink (again lol) and fought with my own will to grow it long again.

I'm also in the process of planning a huge 21st birthday party for this saturday. We've spent alot of time cleaning up the yard and house, quite alot of things that needed to be done anyways but we'd gotten behind on after my stepfather died. It's going to be super pretty - I'm having a masquerade party in our backyard, we're going to set up lights and have a barbeque. I've ordered two differant sized cakes from Save-On and we're going to tier them when we pick them up on Saturday, then line the edges and add the mask to the top.

I bought my own mask for the party today, it's a spiraled metal mask from Dressew with big spirals coming up the sides. I'm stoked!

And now... photos!

Expression: Shorty doing Colby's make-up for their show at Surrey Pride 2009

Bound by Duty: Connor at a Black Parade meeting prior to the Surrey Pride show

Perfect Simplicity: Dayel, little sister of a friend of mine for a Children and Family assignment.

"Hey... I can hear the ocean!": Photoshoot with Nemo and Euvie, just for fun.

Beauty Redefined: Euvie during the same photoshoot.

Love and Kisses,

Andro Angel

Updates...

2009-07-08T01:29:00.000-07:00

So I finally got my second tattoo. Curved script now runs across my collar, reading "There are those who give with pain, and that pain is their Baptism. It's flaking pretty bad on the left side ("with pain" and "Baptism" are looking like they'll need to be touched up alot) which sucks since I've been damn careful to take really good care of it. But I'm totally in love with it AND my tattoo artist. Will probably get all my font work done by him - I want to get my little sister's name on my left wrist above my "water" kanji, and "No Regrets" above the "fire" kanji on my right wrist, as well as the curling patterns around this tattoo and the matching wrist bands for my kanji.

In other news, I've started belly dancing again and holy pain and death! I thought I'd fall over, I'd forgotten how hard it was! And I have an amazing lady coming to visit in August - she's coming to Vancouver for pride the first of the month and I get to steal her for a whole day and night of her ten day visit, although I'm going to try very hard to steal her extra *evil grin*

I'm working on something that I'm not going to talk too much about until the end of this semester at school and then I'll explain in full.

I cleaned my room tonight. Spent five hours just working my ass off and getting it done. I want it to look awsome for my lovely lady's visit, and for my birthday the week before she gets here. It's been such a nasty stressful thing for me to have this gross dirty room so it was nice to get it done. I'm doing my office tomorrow as well as tidying the bathroom. I just want my spaces to be livable. The house is finally looking livable again and Mum and I have just been working so hard to make it that way.

Anyways, I should head to bed.

Love and Kisses,

Andro Angel

43 Things

2009-06-08T02:10:00.001-07:00

I must admit I've recently gotten quite into all these different networking sites - especially sites like Twitter that require very little participation on my part, and allow me to make instant updates to what I'm doing, link to practically every device on the planet (see my sidebar? You love my sidebar, admit it), and most recently through a site called 43 Things, make goals and track my progress.

I think of all the networking sites currently in existence, 43 Things is my favorite. I have always struggled with goals, mostly because keeping them in perfect list form was exhausting. Then you have to track down the list and you don't get to keep it as neatly organized as 43 things enables you to do. It also limits you (as you might have guessed, to 43 goals) so that you're not making a ridiculous list that you could never in a million years complete. It gives you the option of adding a specific "challenge" - a single goal that you're going to focus on for a set period of time. That goal stays as your challenge until you either complete it or give up, and if you give up, you have a consequence that you set that you have to follow through on. Right now I'm challenging myself to lose 30 lbs before October 30th (my baby sister's due date).

Currently my 43 goals are:

	1.	Lose 30 pounds

	2.	Start belly dancing again

	3.	Learn yoga

	4.	Live in Germany for a year

	5.	Beat my depression

	6.	Become more earth friendly

	7.	Stretch everyday (on top of Yoga)

	8.	Complete my photography course with high marks

	9.	Get my second tattoo

	10.	Drink more water

	11.	Stop hurting myself when I'm unhappy

	12.	Get over what happened to me as a child

	13.	Learn to sew

	14.	Get a Nikon D700

	15.	Get more involved in gender issues

	16.	Stop eating/drinking junk

	17.	Be an amazing aunt to my niece or nephew

	18.	Spend more time with my Dad

	19.	Learn to play the guitar

	20.	Cook more, eat out less

	21.	Make the most of the time left with my elderly dog

	22.	Get my writing published

	23.	Try to re-discover the joy of little things

	24.	Learn a second language

	25.	Exercise three days a week

	26.	Grow my hair long

	27.	Do something once a month that terrifies me

	28.	Take a spiritual retreat

	29.	Perform in a Shakespeare play

	30.	Meditate everyday

	31.	Work on being less co-dependant on my mother

	32.	Work in the garden every weekend

	33.	Learn ballroom dancing

	34.	Give blood

	35.	Start sleeping normal hours every night

	36.	Organize my room and office

	37.	Go to Thailand for the summer

	38.	Purge myself of unnecessary possessions

	39.	Get my website online

	40.	Teach a gender workshop

	41.	Finish all my half-completed paintings

	42.	Become a better listener

	43.	Get myself in good enough shape to do ballet again

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Trust Me This is Love - for my mother

2009-05-31T01:32:00.000-07:00

Trust Me This Is Love
I look at this mountain
So many heart aches wide
And I can't help but wonder
Where's the other side
I've got to be honest

I've got my doubts
These tears are asking me
What's this got to do with love?
Baby, I'll tell you something
To help us through this long, dark night

[Chorus]
When this trouble passes over
You and I will walk away
Knowing that our love survived
Another test of faith
You and I can walk on water
The river rises, we rise above
It may not look that way right now
But trust me, baby....this is love.

Love isn't easy
I'm torn, I confess
when a heart is uncertain
It's bound to second guess
This love won't forsake us
So dry your tears I promise you

Chorus

I'm here for you baby
There's nothing I want more
Our day is coming
And we'll reach that peaceful shore

Chorus
When this trouble passes over
You and I will walk away
Knowing that our love survived
Another test of faith
Cause you and I can walk on water
The river rises, we rise above
It may not look that was right now
But trust me, baby...this is love
One more mountain
Hey...so what
Trust me baby...this is love

I make my mother cry...

2009-05-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

A piece from my written journal...

Something about this world
Seems a little bit... off
Like it doesn't quite fit me
Like I don't quite belong

And I can't help but wonder
If some higher power
Made a mistake placing me
In this dark unhappy place

Because it seems wrong
That in order to cope
With a life not right
I must be medicated

Dose me up on pretty pills
To battle what genetics left
Rattling around in this
Far too busy brain.

Missing them...

2009-05-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

Almost two years ago now I dated a couple in Chilliwack that opened my eyes to a whole other world, to everything I'd been missing out on in the BDSM community (it's hard to believe I've been in and out of it for that long) though I'd been into it for years before that.

Lately I've been missing them something fierce. Katt helped me see that there was no shame in depression, in feeling like something was wrong and asking for help. Though it's only been recently that I have, in fact, reached out for help, if I had never met her I may never have bothered. Seeing the support she had from Wolfe was inspiring and I thought if I could find someone like that, I'd be able to make it through the damaging lifestyle that my depression was causing.

Today I'm having a bad day. Just emotionally and for no particular reason. I've made the decision to return to school next week - I was considoring quitting and it was a scary decision to make. I just feel... bad. I want to sleep all day but I know that if I'm returning to school on Monday I need to get into a normal sleep schedule. Or at least semi-normal. And I have no appetite today, though I know I SHOULD eat. I want to curl up and hide from the world today and it's taking a great amount of will not to do just that. I barely slept last night as usual and am wishing that one of the sleeping pills at the hospital had caused SOME sort of effect other than sleeplessness.

Won't someone save me from this pit?

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Psych Ward

2009-05-26T11:42:00.000-07:00

I spent my first stint in a psych ward last week. And after ten years of fighting against it, I was put on medication for what the Doctor diagnosed as clinical depression and anxiety. I have Ativan to be taken as needed for my anxiety and I'm on a daily dose of Celexa (citalopram). The Doctor and most of my nurses were surprised I'd stayed out of the system as long as I have, I've been struggling so long and I was in such bad shape by the time I made it into emergancy.

The psych ward was... interesting. I was emergancy for two and a half days before they moved me over to the ward and they kept forgetting about me - I didn't get any of my meals on time at all the first day I was in (Sunday the 17th). They moved me from 10mg to 20mg of Celexa on the third day, the same day they moved me over to the ward and I slept most of the day and woke up with tremors and no appetite - two rather rare side-effects of Celexa. The tremors have mellowed since, but I still have little to no appetite - I get hungry, but can't bring myself to eat. It's very weird. I'm used to overeating ALL the time; that and a lack of sleep were some of the side-effects of my depression.

Vegetarian food in the hospital is pretty nasty, which didn't help the loss of appetite that the Celexa has caused. Although the butterscotch pudding was really good - I'm pretty sure they were using the standard Jello brand, going to buy some when Mum and I have money again.

Unfortunately the day I came home, we found out our house had been broken into either the night before or that morning and all my camera equipment, my laptop, tablet, everything, had been stolen. I feel like the theif stripped away all my purpose and I'm left feeling rather raw and destroyed.

Right now I'm just trying to settle back in and figure out where things go from here.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Out of control...

2009-04-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like I'm a part of myself anymore. I feel like school is stripping away something essential to my personal self. I can't seem to concentrate, my work is gradually slipping. I have teachers constantly shooting me down for standing up for something I believe in - I don't think I can stereotype people just to sell photographs.

I've been sick pretty much since I started school and I have to go in for blood tests today to try and find out what's going on. I have a feeling it's just everything that's happening in my life right now - I'm feeling so discouraged about my work - everyone's seems so much better than anything I've done and I'm beginning to feel as if I've been falsely encouraged to follow something that maybe I'm just no good at. What if this is a waste of time, waste of my parent's money and I'm just spending a year learning that I suck?

I want to believe that I'm just being dramatic, that I'm better than I think, that I need to trust myself... but I'm having a harder and harder time finding those arguments convincing.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Nothing left...

2009-03-29T22:59:00.000-07:00

I feel as if
I had my hands clenched tight
Around all that I had to give

And every day
A little bit of it would flow
Through my fingers to you

Until one day
I opened up my hands
To see what was left

Wondering if
I had left anything for me
A little to hang onto

But my hands lay bare
Before my eyes
I had nothing left...

Nothing left to give.

Brought back down...

2009-03-24T23:42:00.000-07:00

I was drifting. I was starting to draw within myself, pull away from all the people I loved and cared about. I don't know that I was doing it on purpose, but I was. And then I had to bring S to the hospital today. That brought me back. I'm back outside my own little world and realizing how shitty life would be without hym. Seeing hym so sick, even if it is most likely just a flu, terrified me. I love hym so much, I think that really hit home today. I've been so scared to tie myself down, to have a reason to not leave Vancouver, that I think I was unconciously trying to keep myself distant from the best reason of all.

I have an amazing partner who has not been getting nearly enough of my time, something that will swiftly be remedied. I'm going to head over to the hospital tomorrow to spend the evening with hym and talk to hym, let hym know I'm sorry I've been so spacey lately and that I didn't mean to pull away.

So many mistakes made, all the time. Sometimes I don't even understand myself.

Love and Kisses
Andro Angel

Good quote from Stone Butch Blues

2009-03-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

"If I'm not with a butch, everyone just assumes I'm straight. It's like I'm passing too, against my will. I'm sick of the world thinking I'm straight. I've worked hard to be discriminated against as a lesbian"
-Theresa

Stone Butch Blues, Leslie Feinberg

Do I?

2009-03-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

I should hate you. You've betrayed me, hurt me, used me and yet... there is still a part of me that has hope, that believes that you are better than this. You have lost a lot of people and that same part feels bad for you. I am in no way the "most wronged" in this situation, only one of the wronged. One of so many.

You seemed so strong to me, so proud. I thought nothing could take you down and I loved that you could still have fun. And then things changed. You lost something of yourself and I watched as you slipped away from all the people who cared about you. We all tried and tried, but eventually... it was just too much and we had to let you go. And it was right about then that, for a short time, you woke up, you came back to us. For a few short weeks, we got to see you laugh. We knew that you were slowly returning to her, but that was ok. We thought there was a chance that this laughter might continue...

No such luck and you vanished again.

So when I saw you last week, I had to fight, with anger, with sadness, with regret. But most of all I had to fight with hope. Because that is the one that hurts us.

I want to hate you...
But do I?

Never.

On the road to nowhere fast...

2009-03-15T18:07:00.000-07:00

My feet itch and twitch and shudder, wondering why I'm stuck in this place when there's a whole world out there to explore. I want to run, want to explore these lands with bare feet, an open heart. Get my hands dirty. And yet there's so much invested here in Vancouver. I have school which is a year long commitment that my parents are putting alot of money into. So I know that I'm here at least a year. It seem so long to be here...

I know I want to travel across California, stop in San Francisco and go to Stonewall, then head down through the southwestern United States, into Mexico, probably backpack it. I want to go to Haiti eventually, photograph the refugee efforts being put on by various charities through the country. I want to backpack across this continent and then move onto the next, do as much of South America as I can. Then make my way to Australia. I want photograph so many things, so many people. I want to meet the natives in Australia, to live among them, to learn from them.

Part of me feels like I'm trapped, like I've trapped myself with the things and people I've connected myself to. But I love the people that I'm connected to and in choosing between a huge unknown and the people I know and love, my family, my partner... It's a painful thought.

I think when I finish school, I will travel. I think... that I need it.

Even if it turns out to be a horrible disaster, even if I fail, I can say that I lived.

Step by step...

2009-03-11T14:29:00.000-07:00

I've been taking baby steps towards being more comfortable in my own body, and comfortable with allowing people to touch me, to touch them. I hate that it causes me so many problems, mainly because I hate seeing the look on a partner's face when I pull away. It can range anywhere from anger, to disgust, to hurt, and it destroys me every time.

Unfortunately the only way one can really become more comfortable in their own skin, is to actually touch and be touched and right now being touched involves literally forcing myself to stay still, almost holding my breath, while someone's hands are on me. It can be agonizing because there's a major flight instinct, and I can't help but want to run, or pull away, and eventually I have to because I just can't do it. It makes me feel damn pathetic.

S and I have been working on it, last night was alot of fun and playful touching, rarely going below the waist and most of the time when it did, I panicked. The panic doesn't kick in nearly as badly when I'm touching someone else, but I get shy around it because, to be honest, I'm worried I'll do it wrong. I've had so little experience with sex and the thought of not bringing someone pleasure, of performing badly - performance anxiety I guess - is terrifying!

*sighs*

I'm working on it. Baby steps right?

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Hardware Review - Wacom Intuos3

2009-03-09T10:40:00.000-07:00

So I picked up a Wacom tablet on Friday, for the purpose of editing and such during my digital photography courses and beyond. My original intent was to purchase the small Wacom Bamboo Fun, a creative editing tool that runs about $130.00 CDN at Futureshop, or $99.00 US. However, after chatting with a few tablet wielding folks in my class, all of whom stated that the Bamboo didn't have fine enough pixal control, I decided on the Wacom Intuos3

The Intuos3 starts at $280.00 CDN at Futureshop (About $220.00 US) and is specially designed for digital editting and creative professionals. It is described on the Wacom website as "the most popular pen tablet for creative professionals" and comes in six differant sizes, starting down at 4x6 and going all the way up to 12x19. For practicality and affordibility, I chose the 4x6 which is more than enough space to play with.

One of the main things I struggled with at first was the fact that you don't have to drag or shuffle the pen the way you do a mouse to cover the whole screen. Each point on the tablet represents a piece of your screen so you literally grab something, move it to another point and let it go. The "right click" function is performed by a button on the side of the pen. The only complaint I have there is that you have to hold it down and wait for it to load before it actually clicks. It can be a bit complicated and I find that I'm resorting to using the touchpad on my laptop when I get frustrated.

I've been trying to use the tablet all the time to get myself adjusted to it and so far I'm really impressed with what I can do with it. I practiced some of my sketching exercises and I find that I get the same finite control that I do when using a pencil, the control that's lost when using a mouse. I also love that Vista includes a pen function that allows me to take the tablet and write things in. My writing, especially when using a computer tool, is chickenscratch and the tablet can even read that, which I find pretty incredible, since that was my main concern with using it as a note taking tool.

I'm going to add to the review as the year goes on, especially when it comes to the editting techniques, but so far I'm thoroughly impressed with it.

Creation...

2009-03-07T20:34:00.000-08:00

I've started writing this piece that I'm really proud of. It's about passion, about losing it and finding it again. I've been getting stuck on it and I finally put it on my flash drive, I'm hoping having it with me will help me get to work on it.

I'm really hoping it will go somewhere, because I really love it. It's the first time I've felt really impassioned about my writing in months and that means a lot to me...

Anyways, that's really all I'm going to say about it because I don't want to jinx it, haha. Peace all.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Going somewhere else...

2009-03-06T09:34:00.000-08:00

Kate Bornstein says that if you want to live without gender "You look for where gender is, and then you go somewhere else."

I like going somewhere else. I find it very freeing to live outside of the gender spectrum and so I find it very stifling when people tell me things like "You're such a girl." It's been happening a lot lately, coming from several different people. I am not a girl. I'm not a boy and yes, I am feminine, but I'm not within any particular gender. I'm female by body, feminine by appearance, genderqueer by my own definition, based on years of searching through specifications. I have been with only one person who accepted that fact, who didn't try to press me into one gender or the other. Unfortunately, said person is no longer a major part of my life, which breaks my heart because I had hoped that they would be a part of my life for a long time.

Kate talks a lot about people treating them differently as they came to change their gender from male to female and then coming to find a place in between. I never went all the way to the other gender - I have certainly played with masculine appearance, done male drag, but I never "felt" that I was "male". Trouble is, that I've never "felt female" either. I've lived, unintentionally until recently, in the middle. But now I want to live with intention. I want to challenge people's views on gender and I want them to see that I'm not what they think.

I have a shaved head. It's part of me, part of my presentation and it tends to really skew people's views on what my gender is or isn't. I get alot of questions, alot of funny looks, and surprisingly enough, alot of compliments. And I love that. I love that it's enough to alter people's perception. I hope to spend the rest of my life altering people's perception of gender.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Major Goal...

2009-03-04T17:00:00.001-08:00

Current goal: Join VAPA and get work into the Exposure Gallery
By: Summer 2009

http://www.exposuregallery.ca/

Musing...

2009-03-04T13:03:00.001-08:00

What does it mean when the teacher is late getting back to class?
Hmm...

Lost...

2009-02-26T03:51:00.000-08:00

I'm standing alone in a forest. It's dark, even as I raise my hand in front of me, it vanishes into the blackness. This place used to be one of light, a clearing full of flowers, but now, like me, it has lost its vivid life, the thing that made it whole. It descended in a single moment, into a pit, where nothing good, nothing light could ever be.

I take a step forward and stumble, feel the harsh earth below tear at my hands, scent the metallic blood that seeps from the tattered flesh. That should be yours, that blood, only you should draw it from my skin, but I have left you at the edge of this forest, in the light, while I ventured forwards. If I had known that the darkness would swallow us both, I would have kept hold of you, but I thought you'd be safer outside of this place.

I kneel in the mud, raise my gaze to the starless sky and I hope that soon you will stumble upon me and together we might bring back the light.

This bleak forest is my soul, without you.

Broken...

2009-02-24T04:36:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I make decisions. Sometimes they are based on what I think the people around me need and sometimes, on very rare occasions, they're based on what I know I need. Last night I made one of those "for me" decisions." I decided, after giving myself some cool down time to think about it, that I needed to end the relationship I have been building with S. It was nothing against them, but there is a lot of Drama, with that capital D, between them and my ex and it's just way too much for me to deal with. It's not my drama and I shouldn't have to deal with it.

It's not often I decide to do anything simply for me. And so, when I make these occasional selfish choices, people tend to jump all over me, call me all sorts of names. In this case the main name was coward, followed by accusations that I was running away from challenges. I don't know what part of "my step-dad died, I start school in a week, I suffer from anxiety and depression and I don't need anymore CRAP" nobody seems to understand.

I think the hardest part is that my ex spend the better part of three hours berating me and it appears that S was fine with it. It fucking broke my heart to have to end things with S and I thought they understood why I needed to pull away, why this was so important to me. I had hoped that with time, we could continue our friendship and now I worry that they have truly washed their hands of me.

There is a part of me screaming that this was a mistake, but the much larger part of me knows that it wasn't, and that the tirade my ex dumped on me is proof that the drama was only getting worse. I think the very worst part was that he really doesn't seem to see that his relationship is in trouble. Another affirming point to the fact that I did this right, because I can see and S can see and multiple other people can see that they have things to work on, and if my ex can't... he never would have seen the end coming if he'd continued on the path he was on.

I have to believe that it's ok to make decisions for my own heart. I feel so much for S, and I know that if it was really meant to be a long term thing with them, we will find our way back to each other with time.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Dirty Meme! - yoinked from Donna

2009-02-20T16:02:00.001-08:00

Apparently it’s meme week. I can play that game. Here’s the dirty one:

# Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
Um... there isn't a friends list on here, really, but I bet this is meant to be for like, facebook or something so... on that friends list.... absolutely!

# Sex in the morning, afternoon, or night?
Wait... is it different depending on when you have it? Lol.

# What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Left, but usually with pillows piled on the right.

# Do you masturbate?
Well... yeah. Who doesn't? Seriously now.

# How often?
Enough. Lol.

# Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
Not that I can think of.

# Do you prefer showers or baths?
Showers because I know how much dirt stays stuck to your body when you have a bath *squirms* eeew...

# Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath?
Not sex, but I've shared snuggly showers with a couple of people. I love showering with people because it's intimate nudity that doesn't have to lead to sex.

# Do you watch/read pornography?
Not as much as I used to.

# Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
Aggressive. I'm not aggressive or even assertive enough to be in control of bedroom situations lol.

# Do you love someone on your friends list?
Um... I'm going to say no.

# Do you know all the people on your friends list?
With the exception of a couple.

# Would you choose love or money?
Right now money because I have 23,000 worth of schooling to pay off and nobody that I love in my life.

# Your top three favorite kinks in bed?
Biting, scratching and um... wait I can only pick three!? Well those two are Mum friendly so yeah...

# Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually?
Yes, but they learned damn quick.

# Where is the most romantic place you have had sex?
Can't answer this one for personal reasons.

# Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
See above

# Have you ever been caught having sex?
And again. Been busted making out and almost more than that, more than once by my mum in highschool.

# Have you ever been to a strip club?.
Nope.

# Ever been to a bar just to get sex?
No. If you've heard the "ass-pirate... fairy... thing" story, you understand why.

# Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club for sexual reasons?
See above.

# Ever been picked up in a bar?
Nope.

# Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex?
Um... DUH.

# What’s your sexuality?
I like people ^.^

# Had sex in a movie theater?
Nope

# Had sex in a bathroom?
Nope.

# Have you ever had sex at work?
Yes, I know, I'm boring. Nope.

# Have you ever been in an “adult” store?
Uh, yeah. I work in one.

# Bought something from an adult store?
Frequently. 30% discount is the shit!

# Do you own any sex toys?
Oh maybe a few...

# If yes, how many and what are they?
Shhh....

# Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?
Um, yep. Ask Katt and Wolfe lol.

# Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?
Nope, but I've been called by the wrong name.

# Have you ever had phonesex?
Nope.

# Have you ever had cybersex?
Frequently in highschool. Less so now.

# Do you think oral sex constitutes as a form of intercourse?
Not intercourse no, but it's definitely a form of sex.

# What’s your favorite sexual position?
Ask me in a couple of years.

# What’s your favorite sex act?
See above. There's too much I haven't tried yet!

# Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time?
Not yet.

# Who do you think has the guts to repost this?
No idea. I'm not even sure who reads this blog.

Freshly shorn feline

2009-02-13T15:51:00.000-08:00

A couple of months ago I shaved my head again and today I re-shaved it. I'd forgotten how much I love it, and how alien it makes me seem to other people. I keep wondering why they're staring at me these past couple of months and then remembering "right... it's not normal to run around with a shaved head if you were born a girl... oops."

Well I thought it was funny...

I have actually managed to keep the seat next to me clear on a crowded Skytrain without putting my bag or my knee on it. The same applies to buses. People would rather stand and be lurched around as the bus shoots around corners than sit next to the weird bald chick. I sent a message to S a few days ago laughing about how nobody wanted to sit next to me. I get funny looks when I offer the seat next to me, and when I stand people actually move out of the way. Careful folks, the weird might be contagious!

Or maybe they're worried they might catch my gay...

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Me + NyQuil = BAD!

2009-02-08T02:02:00.001-08:00

So I've discovered that NyQuil is evil. And it makes me kinda high. So no more NyQuil.

I decided out of the blue to get incredibly sick yesterday. I went from "a little woozy and not so great" to "omg the world inside my head is exploding". So, being the genius human being I am, I decided to ask for cold and flu meds. Temperature? Check. Nausea? Oh hell yes. Sore throat and congestion? Yup. Sounds like "cold or flu" to me. So, NyQuil in pill form it is. Here's the kicker. They package the NyQuil in little bubble packs of two. Because you're supposed to take two. Unless, like me, you don't take medication often, in which case, for future referance of all you "chemical haters" IGNORE THAT SECOND PILL. For the love of the Goddess, ignore that second pill.

Needless to say it went poorly. About a half an hour later the world started spinning. Best part of that was that for the life of me I couldn't figure out why the world was spinning until I remembered the NyQuil. That was... yeah... bad.

Sleeps now

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Cradle of Filth and yet more exploits...

2009-02-05T16:02:00.001-08:00

Warning... aaah never mind. You get the point.

Monday night I finally after many many years of loving them, got to see Cradle of Filth live at the Commodore Ballroom. For those of you out there who don't know this, I got into Cradle before I even knew who Marilyn Manson was and Dani Filth was my god long before the lovely Mr. Manson was. The openers were Septic Flesh and Satyricon (which my ex was triply pleased by because Satyricon is a Norwegian death metal band who's founder has the same last name as him. He has a lot of pride in his homeland.) who were super awesome. I liked Satyricon best - nothing beats synchronized headbanging (I kid you not, they had two people on one side of the lead singer going side to side and two on the other side doing circles, all in perfect time with each other. Was amazing.)

Unfortunately during Satyricon the mosh pit was shooting crowd surfers all over the place and one that went the other direction ended up coming back towards us. I had one hand on the rail, one arm around this little (super hot) emo chick, and though I managed to cover her and I tried to duck, he landed directly on my head. 200 lbs of guy landing on one's head is not particularly comfortable, especially when your neck is wretched to one side. I got what appears to be a mild case of whiplash, spent two days unable to see or hear properly out of my left side and a slight concussion. And thus I went from being right on the rail for the two openers, to standing on the very far side of the Commodore for Cradle of Filth, which was my only real reason for being there. It was fucking heartbreaking but I did get to see them, so while I didn't get to be right there staring up at Dani and the rest, I did get to be there and that has to be enough for me. (On a side note, my ex and S did look super hot that night which kinda made up for it)

Tuesday was my day with S, they had an appointment at 11, so my ex and I chatted and hung out and got S's computer debugged thanks to my Dad. Then my ex headed out and S and I went to Granville Island. I haven't been to Granville Island since I was almost sixteen, the day I started my period. That was a wonderful trip. This one was quite a bit more pleasant, we got to hit all sorts of neat little stores - I had forgotten they had the dragon store there and was quite stoked to go again after all these years. S made a mystery purchase and then we wandered into a few different little stores, checked out the toy stores that have their own building, where S purchased a smurf to represent me on their wall of smurfs, and then we decided we were done and headed out. We bussed back to S's house and relaxed for a bit, chatted and hung out. At this point my head was starting to hurt and the lovely concussion that I acquired on Monday night means that while I know S and I played - I remember being blindfolded and a few pretty good flogger hits, and I seem to dimly recall a meat tenderizer and some little electric thing that tickled more than anything, I don't remember anything super clearly. Other than that, I know we stopped because my head was swimming which meant I called enough a lot sooner than I would have normally.

We went for dinner at a really neat little place up on Davie, and then went to the show that my ex was performing at. Actually from now on I'm just going to say "D" for my ex. Sick of typing my ex, sounds derogatory. D performed earlier in the show and then my friend Artemis performed a little later. After Artemis performed, S and I headed out. We ended up grabbing Saw V from the movie store and snuggling on the bed while we watched that. We got half way through, before almost falling asleep so we gave up on the movie and crashed.

Was much goodness, even if I was very fuzzy of head for the end of Tuesday. I think I pulled off 'coherent' pretty well though. And I got to spend time with an awesome human being. Who could ask for more?

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

More Adventures...

2009-02-01T11:05:00.000-08:00

WARNING: SAME AS BEFORE. NO MUM!

Yesterday was John's memorial. It was extremely rough and all the happy that I got during the piercing play dissipated. Was missing the floaty head, but I was doing ok. I got to talk to S afterwards and that was nice, as well as pick up my tuition cheque from the greyhound where my Dad had shipped it. Means I can drop it off and see Cradle tomorrow. Whoot!

On my way to the Greyhound, I got a call from S, suggesting I come out to Vancouver for visits, get all the blegh out of my system with friends. It was a good suggestion so I got home, changed and headed out. I had decided to bring the bondage book S wanted to see, simply because I figured I could leave it with them to figure out. I am very naive sometimes, lol.

I get there, we chat for a bit and I hand over the book, only to have S constantly picking it up, flicking through it and lamenting (while eying my ex and I suggestively) that they want to try some of the ties. My ex finally consents to this "torment" and ends up with both wrists tied, and before he knows it, he's strung up to the bed being caned, and then bent over the bed being flogged. Those are his details to share, so I won't go too much into it, but I was eying them from the couch, clutching a pillow and doing a fair bit of drooling over the flogger.

After they'd had some downtime, my ex is going through the book and itching to try to tie the dragonfly sleeve, which is a full arm behind the back bind. After way too many giggles as we sat at the coffee table trying to figure it out, S looking on in amusement, he finally got me tied into it, though it was a bit of trial and error. I have tendinitis in my shoulders so we were all a bit worried about tying too tight, but I think because I relaxed into it, it was completely painless, which is good, means I can probably go a bit tighter next time. My ex concluded his knot tying practice by presenting a flogger to S (probably good to mention at this point that while S left him strung to the bed so that they could check their internet stuffs, I mocked and teased him, just a little, from the couch, when he couldn't retaliate.)

So I got flogged, properly, for the first time in almost two years. The last time a flogger touched my skin with any level of intent was at a flogging workshop that Katt and Wolfe put on in their dungeon during a play party in 2007. I was stunt bottoming for people to practice on after the workshop. I took more this time than I would have before, which makes me all puffed up and proud of myself because I know that I didn't take as much as a lot of bottoms can, but for me, I did good. My back was quite warm and welted afterwards and after sitting and visiting a little while longer, S went to bed and my ex and I tossed ourselves out the door for a long walk and chat, both completely blissed out and constantly patting each other a little harder than necessary on the back.

So it seems this blog is finally getting to the goal I had for it, to share my exploits. It helps when one has exploits to share!

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Dinner and shiny things...

2009-01-30T01:47:00.001-08:00

WARNING: Content of this post is NOT pg. If you are a) under the age of eighteen or b) my mother please turn back now and protect your poor fragile minds. Thank you.

Aaanyways....

I have, over the past little while been cultivating a friendship with my ex's partner. My ex and I have reached a really good point where we can be friends again and he is with an incredible human being. I'm really happy for him and so proud to see how much he's grown. We both had a lot of growing to do when we were together and I think we've both come a long way. Moving on...

I have been getting to know his partner who just so happens to also be his top. A few days ago his partner who I'm going to simply dub "S" for the sake of not having to type "his partner" every other sentence, asked if I would like to come over Wednesday night so that they could cook me dinner. S happens to be a chef who works in a pretty top of the line kitchen. Like I'd say no to that kind of offer! Mmm... gourmet food. I agreed, since S has been quite adamant that I had to let them cook for me one day. Was NOT disappointed *drool* so freaking good. Cajun-ish style chicken w/ kous kous (is that how it's spelled) beans (some fancy kind that were actually half decent considoring I normally won't touch beans) with feta and some random saucey type things. Amazing! So tasty. My stomach is still orgasming from the joy of the yum.

We settled down to chat and listen to some music and really got to talk alot which was nice, got to learn alot about what makes S tick and the things that have formed who they are, and got to share alot about what makes me tick. Also got mauled by the attention whore cat, hehe.

The conversation comes around to S asking if I'd be interested in playing - not a board game folks, the kinky kind of play. Children and Mum abandon ship now if you haven't already - which is something I had previously expressed interest in. Of course, I forgot that I'd been chatting with S about how I wanted to try piercing play one day and lo and behold, what does S suggest...?

If you guessed peircing play, you win! If you didn't, you fail. Please leave. Heh.

Might I say peircing play... not a bad thing at all. I managed to sit through thirty needles, twenty in my arm - ten going down with one under each of those - and five on each side of the top part of my chest. I probably could have done more, but I tend to start to shake when the adrenaline kicks in and I think S was starting to get concerned. Shaking = not bad at all when it comes to me, but it does tend to worry Tops. Of course it didn't help that S kept smacking the pierced spots - hard - while the needles were still inserted. Needless to say, I have quite the aray of bruises. Twas much in the ways of fun. Especially when they started pulling the needles out - eek! I'm a bleeder, doesn't even matter if you do things like that gently and S wasn't being very gentle. Not that I minded. Got a few more whacks which had me completely blissed out. Holy woah. Took me forever to stop shaking and come down from outer space. I was gone, it was magnificent. It's been so long since I played that the needle play was about all I could do in one sitting, but I'm hoping for future play with S.

I think one of my favorite things is that S didn't treat me like I was going to break. Not every top, but a good chunk of them haven't been willing to take me to the edge and back, or they were more interested in sex than in s/m play which, to be honest, does it for me more than sex in alot of ways. I'm not as fragile as I look, and while S cheerfully tells me what a beautiful girl I am, how much they love how femmey I can be, how soft I am, they're also willing to push me, and they know I'm not going to break.

And when someone looks at you, completely clothed, with blood running down your arm and you still feel like the sexiest woman alive... well that's just a feeling that can't be replaced.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel.

In Loving Memory

2009-01-26T17:18:00.000-08:00

It’s early, quarter to six
And I’m up, oh ungodly hour
But enjoying the peace and quiet
Until a voice shatters the silence

“You’re up, thank god,
Now I have someone to talk to”
I turn, see him and crack a smile
Because we’re on good terms again

These past few years
Have been love and hate
Between two people too much alike
To ever live together

So I’ve been in and out
And he’s been good and bad
But through it all
We’ve been friends

I mocked them for their meeting
Trapped in the digital world
An online relationship
Those never work out

And yet they proved me wrong
As one date turned to two
One month turned to six
And I finally led them down the aisle

He got me through
Those harsh Dad-less years
When I couldn’t bear to see
The one who made me

He stood by my mother
Through the scare of the c word
And the joy of the r word
And he loved her as much as he was able

My E.D. my stonewall
The times we conspired
To bring a smile to her face
To watch her eyes light up

His secret smile when
Mum just wasn’t specific enough
“Jordan don’t move your tent”
Well he didn’t, did he?

I’m too cheerful in the mornings
It’s always driven him nuts
But today he seems to want that
He seems at peace with the world

And because of all these things
I’m still smiling when I say
“Well I was hoping for some peace”
And he smiles back, and laughs

If I’d known it would be the last smile
I would have photographed it
Cherished it, treasured it
I would have done more to remember

If I had only known that morning
What I know today
I would have hugged him
And told him how much I loved him

No matter what.

Who am I?

2009-01-04T17:49:00.000-08:00

I think we all come to a point where we begin to wonder who we are. Right now I am trying to remember who I am and I'm thinking that I've never really known. I know details but I don't know what the big picture that is "me" is.

I am Kieran, in heart if not in legalities. I am genderqueer and proud of it, a dyke and even more proud. I am friend and ally to the transgendered community.

I am damaged by things that were done to me, out of my control as far as I saw it at the time. I am a submissive with very occasional dominant tendancies, but never a Domme, only a top. I am a porn store clerk and a photographer, but I only get paid for doing one of those things. I am a member of the "monday morning clerk party" (what happens at clerk party, stays at clerk party) and the co-founder of a charity drag show.

I am a drag king named Seamus Again, and a queen named Faye Ramones. I'm a ballet dancer in the past and a belly dancer in the present. I am an avid reader of anything I can get my hands on, a game geek (even if I'm not very good at the games). I am a music nut, I can't listen to enough of it. I am a fan of all things morbid with a tendancy towards thinking they are cute.

I am a transit user only because I can't stand drivers and feel much safer when I'm in one of the biggest vehicles on the road reading a book.

I am a daughter, a sister and a friend.

And yet even with all that, I do not know who I am. I can tell you all the little details but cannot sum it up into one word. I think that this year is the year that I will discover it. I am twenty years old, I have so much time left to learn.

I think it's going to be a good journey.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

2009 means...

2009-01-01T14:47:00.001-08:00

2009 means finishing full time work at my favorite job to date after eight months and going on call. It means starting school in March to pursue my dreams. It means regular doctors appointments for the first time since I was a kid, and blood tests every six months. It means one year of the Kings for A Cause, and charity shows every month. It means the opera in January, Cradle of Filth in February and 21 years old in July. It means drinking in the states, and spending more time with my pretty bald lady.

2009 means forgetting the one that distracts me because I know I can never have them. It means moving on from petty issues and ignoring the fact that my step-dad will never change and no matter what he does, my mum will never leave him. It means creating a new life for myself out of the one I have instead of pretending everything's OK, or imagining things might be different one day. It means learning to love myself so that I can learn to love other people. It means letting go of the past so that I can touch people again, and let them touch me.

2009 means hope.

On Life - haiku

2008-12-11T02:48:00.000-08:00

The seconds tick by
Another chapter in life
Will come to an end

Can We Get a New One?

2008-12-05T16:23:00.000-08:00

So there's this whole thing about living at home. It involves sharing the home with my mother, not a terrible thing, and this great big angry thing, six foot, about 250 lbs. We call it "stepfather". And stepfather has a temper issue, mostly involving randomly running around and yelling at people. For example, today when I walked into the room and he came in and started grumbling at the DVD player.

Do you need some help stepfather?

I can live my life without your supervision *grumble grumble, anger*

Ok, I just thought you needed help.

Just shut the fuck up *grumble grumble*

I, understandably, fled the scene after putting the kitchen things away as I'd come in to do. The problem isn't that he was grumpy, but that he's like this ALL THE TIME. And he's not working currently and does not seem to be due to start working again for some time. Since I've decided to stay here while I go to school instead of moving as I was hoping to do, I'm debating on whether or not I need to have a chat about respect with him. Generally talks like that have him turning it around and blaming me for disrespect, why should he respect me etc. etc. But I'm tired of listening to him be rude because he had a bad day. It's not OK to take grumpiness out on everyone around you.

I also have issues with showering when he's home and when he's not working... that's alot of time that I have to try and dodge his schedule to get a shower in. Blegh. I have been a stinky kitty for many reasons >.<

I'm working on creating a safe space for myself, one that my friends actually want to visit because right now... nobody will enter my home because of Stepfather. I spend my weeks going out of my way to see my friends and it doesn't feel right. If they want to be my friends, why would they abandon me in this place just because they don't want to be around him? I have two rooms to myself, they wouldn't have to be around him. I'm barely around him when I'm home.

I asked my mum if we could put him up on craigslist. One foul tempered stepfather, free to a good home. Then we can get a new one... I bet Johnny Depp would be a good stepfather.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Prospects...

2008-11-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

So I may or may not have found an apartment for the 1st of December (instead of January which was my hope). I sent an email for a place on Commercial Drive, $415 a month. Utilities not included, but I'm a master at keeping my bills small. And for $415 a month, I could have $100 utility bills and still be good to go.

Here's hoping. It looks like a great little place *crosses fingers*

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Lurking...

2008-11-14T04:20:00.000-08:00

I feel like I haven't been living in this world, so much as lurking in it, watching everybody else live their life while not really living my own. I cried myself to sleep last night because I feel so damn lost, I've spent so much time lately feeling so damn lost. I'm going to school in March and I've come to the realization that I cannot live with my mother while I do so. Not because of her so much, but because of him. My stepfather isn't the most tolerant of people (bigoted supremest homophobic asshole would be accurate) and I cannot live in a house where everything I am, everything I believe in is torn down and stomped on.

So the great apartment hunt of 2008 begins. Somewhere I can live until I finish school and beyond, preferably somewhere cheap! In the DTES because it's the most affordable place close to my school where I won't be confined to a single room sharing a house with people (I have too much stuff, haha) Pet friendly so I don't have to get rid of my rats. I want to stay within Zone 1 on the skytrain because I really won't be able to afford three zone tickets living on my own >.< It's all a matter of figuring things out and I hope I can. I'm sick of all this drama and I loved living on my own.

School starts in March, t-minus 108 days and counting!

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Why do we keep doing this?

2008-11-04T03:59:00.000-08:00

So I need to get something off of my chest and hoping that someone reads this far into the godforsaken depths of the blog world and that they'll dispense some advice.

Five years ago I met someone who changed things. Tipped the balance in my life and altered it. Permanently. He recognized what I was, gave a name to the darker pleasures, the things that bring me pleasure. Opened up my eyes to a whole other world. The main issue is that he was with someone I was very good friends with. For three years we spent time as friends, careful. Too careful. Then he dropped out of my life. I don't know if it was because it was as hard for him as it was for me... or if the little things just took over. I was living on my own not long out of high school, he was with his girlfriend all the time... pardon me, fiance. All I know is that we weren't around each other much anymore.

Not long ago we started talking again. And tonight... we went for a walk. I met him at my old elementary school and he kissed me. This wouldn't be so shocking except that the closest we've ever come to kissing was one brief passing of a glow-stick mouth to mouth, Halloween 2003. I went for a hug and he grasped my chin and kissed me. And damn it if it wasn't everything I've hoped for these last five years. Something inside me woke up, something that felt like it had died almost a year ago when D left me. Suddenly, all over again, I'm longing for him. And that's wrong. His fiance was one of my closest friends in high school and just because we don't see each other anymore doesn't mean I should let this happen.

But every time I'm around him it matters less and less and my moral compass seems skewed, like it's trying to point a different direction. I want to hang onto my morals... but they were nearly crushed tonight under the weight of his lips and I don't know that they'll take much more pressure before they snap. Before I snap.

Help?

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Right There, Like That (poem)

2008-11-03T23:50:00.000-08:00

I feel your hand in my hair
My thoughts like a prayer
Would you pull, just there
Play fair...

Hands round my wrists
And you think I can resist
When you push down like this
Your kiss...

The bite and the slice
Of the blade of the knife
Removes all the strife
My life...

All the things they say
Should make me depraved
The darkest of play
Fly away...

I feel your hand in my hair
Play fair...
Hands round my wrists
Your kiss...

The bite and the slice
My life...
All the things they say
Fly away...

Surprised...

2008-10-26T18:15:00.001-07:00

So I spent the better part of Friday night on the phone with my ex. This would be D, the only person I've ever lived with and the very specific ex that I used to blog about frequently before starting up on Blogger. To understand why Friday was so unusual, one has to understand that for the last year since our break up, D and I have had an on again/off again friendship involving several spats and the most recent "not talking to each other" period of about six months, since he broke up with M and I learned to say no, in the process saying it far too much and upsetting him. While I desperately needed to grow a backbone, I chose a bad time to grow it and was far too firm with him, although sometimes he does need that.

Anyways, D and I are both damaged and it's left us very conflicted with each other. So when he called on Friday, I was expecting it to go badly. I know I've done a lot of growing these past months but what I didn't realize was that so has D, partly because my recent conversations with M before I stopped talking to him suggested otherwise. We had an awesome conversation, chatted for an hour while I was getting to work and probably another hour after I got there. It sounds like he's doing really well and I heard none of the "pity me" that M and others had warned me about. In fact, I'm really beginning to think that D is someone that I could like, someone I could have as a friend again. I'm hoping he feels the same. What we had is long gone and I can't be the man he needs, I've always known that. But I think we could build a friendship that is even stronger.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Congratulations...

2008-10-23T23:51:00.000-07:00

My breath catches in my chest
I start to shake
My hands get cold
I get dizzy
Frightened, tearing up
Because he lied
Because he said...
He said, he said, he said...
He said all the pretty words
And then turned around
And took them away
Turned around and hurt me
Again...

Liar liar, pants on fire
Hanging on a telephone wire

He held me and told me
That he was still my friend
That I could be honest with him
And yet here I sit
Shaking, screaming
Because he said he needed space
Promised peace and gave emptyness
Perhaps that's what he meant
I'll be at peace... alone.
Drowning because nobody
Can let me be me
Without getting offended

Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you fucking wanted?

He's striving to obtain
His perfect form
Injecting himself with chemicals
To make himself feel good
Cutting away what he hates
And yet...
Growing into a person
I barely recognize...
Because the woman I knew
Would never hurt people
Would never talk to me like this
Why, in becoming this man
Should he change so drastically?

Why do I keep trying
When the change is imminent...

I'm shaking
Because I'm watching him pull away
I'm sick to my stomach
In watching the way
He falls into a world view
Of manhood
Instead of being the sweet
Sensitive human being
- fuck gender, man, woman, whatever-
That I once knew
He's forgotten the lessons
That womanhood taught him
Respect, love, companionship

Congratulations
You're a real man... what a shame.

Past, Present and Future

2008-10-17T03:30:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to talk about some heavy stuff today, mainly because I need to get it off my chest. A lot has happened lately that has been affected by some abuse I went through when I was younger. The person *we'll call them A here for easy reading* perpetrating the abuse was beating me up on a fairly regular basis from the time I was six until they left my life when I was fourteen. Along with the near daily hitting, kicking etc. they were also abusing me sexually, coercing me into games that in hindsight, I did enjoy, which has left me with a deep sense of guilt over the whole thing because not once did I stop it. Now, I did not understand what was happening when I was young and as I grew older, A was always bigger than me, until long after they left and I grew. It never occured to me to tell my mother or father - I was being accused of getting A in trouble all the time and didn't know if they would believe me.

The games started out fully clothed with strange actions that, at six and for the following few years, I did not recognize because, well, it's not like people are demonstrating sex to you at that age. As we got older, it did progress to full blown sex, because A knew I wasn't going to tell. Looking back on it, it was obvious that A had been abused before they came to live with us, and that they were in turn playing the role of the aggressor in starting these games with me.

The thing is... not only was A younger than me by two years (which didn't change the fact that they were always bigger than me) but A... was female. I know my case is almost unheard of and that is a big part of the reason I've put off seeing someone about it. I have talked to people about it - I have a friend whose childhood abuser was female, though an adult and my last couple of partners have been told, mainly because I hit a state of panic when I try to go too far with someone. To this day I've managed to avoid letting people below my waist. A was and has remained the only person I've gone down on, touched below the waist, the only one to go down on me and touch me below the waist... with the exception of D, a moment of panic for me that left me out of sorts for days afterwards. I have had some very careful sexual experiences but none involved going under clothes, everything was controlled as best as I could manage because the minute it goes further, it's like the walls start to close in and I panic.

This confusion, this panic, is what cost me the first person I actually wanted to sleep with (and by sleep I mean fuck until neither of us could walk), the most recent person I've dated. We are still friends and I hope always will be, but there is always going to be a wall there now. I've started reading alot and one thing I've realized about myself is one of the defenses I've built up because of the abuse I went through. I test people. It's not intentional, but it's like I have to prove to myself that it's ok that I don't go all the way with them, because they are just using me. By refusing and pushing away, when they back off, it gives me the "proof" I need to say that they didn't want anything but sex. This most recent person I was seeing ended all closeness outside of friendship in a letter, part of which said that he couldn't be close to me and not want to fuck me.

It was like the ultimate proof, even if that wasn't the way it was intended. It left me feeling very much like I'd been duped. I think even if I hadn't spent my whole life subconsciously looking for signs the people were using me, I'd have still been hurt and the abuse I went through only made it worse. I just wish he'd been able to be patient, to stand beside me while I healed, while I dealt with this instead of making sure that it would happen at a distance.

So that's that...

As for the future, I have to find a person of a psychological nature who is all of the following: queer friendly, not easily shocked, has the ability to write prescriptions (I would not be surprised if I ended up needing something to stabilize me enough to deal with my shit), lives in Vancouver or the surrounding area, has dealt with childhood abuse cases before and, also, is free.

Not asking much am I?

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Alone

2008-10-08T17:40:00.000-07:00

I am dreaming...

In my dream, I am my True Self, the person I know myself to be, on the outside and inside. Androgeny is apparent in my willowy build, in the way I carry myself, not even my clothes betray a hint or a clue as to my identity. I smile inwardly as I walk down the street because in my dream I can hear the thoughts of those around me... what is it?... is that a man or a woman... I wish I looked like that... should I ask them out?... I want to laugh but I know I musn't, that it's more fun to leave them guessing, and after all, my voice is still so very feminine, even with the gentle husk of my alto tone.

I know no lover, no desire because such petty complications of friendship and caring are beneath this perfect state of no gender, no sexuality, no rules or labels. This is not to say that I know no love, because I have a gentle nuturing love for all those around me. I have reached, in this dream, a state of perfect love and understanding of humanity. Love that requires no intimacy as proof of devotion.

I spend my days wandering the streets, my nights wrapped in the arms of whoever I have discovered on the street that day, giving them not sex, but peace and safety in the embrace of someone who no longer feels the need for justification.

I wake up...

Steps to Become a Man

2008-09-08T20:52:00.000-07:00

Step 1. Find yourself trapped in a woman's body

Step 2. Spend years and thousands in counselling, paying an educated quack to try to figure out what's wrong with you - when you already know.

Step 3. Get diagnosed with a "mental illness"

Step 4. Live as your true self while still wearing the woman's body, strapping your chest down and fighting the people who tell you that you can't use the men's washroom, shop in the men's department, even though you have been living as one.

Step 5. Begin taking weekly shots, suffering not only the indignity of having to "shoot up" every week, but the ache of reforming bones, the looks as the timbre of your voice changes, cracking and squeaking, skin covered in acne, though you're well past puberty.

Step 6. Wait a year until the shots become "dangerous to your health" so that they will perform the surgery to remove your reproductive organs, freeing you from the monthly reminder of your birth that may not have stopped with the shots.

Step 7. Scrimp and save, though it's harder for you to get a job these days, so that you can afford to finally remove that bind and have the deadly lumps removed. Hope that your skin is versitile and the scars that might betray you heal well.

Step 8. Spend months and money arguing with the government so that you can legally be the man you know you were born to be, officially removing the letter "F" from your legal documents and changing your name to that perfect one, the one you chose with love and care to be your own.

Step 9. Live.

There is a reason transmen are better men. If biological men had to fight this much, they'd be better men too.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

New

2008-09-04T12:36:00.000-07:00

Things that are new this week:

A new "relationship"
Ok so it's not exactly new and it's not exactly a relationship, but it's a good thing, even if it's just being figured out right now. We're deciding on boundries and are in agreement on everything so far. He's trans so it's it's really important to him that he's not in anything committed until after his transition, which I fully understand. I've heard alot of people say that when they started to transition, their relationship failed. But it's good. I really like him, he's amazingly sweet and seems to genuinely care, which I'm still getting used to. I've had people pretend to care before (see: D) and it's taken some time to get back to where I can actually believe it.

A new job
Temporary, but it means that until the company I'm working for can find a new receptionist, I am officially working 68+ hours a week (this depends on whether or not I pick up Fridays. If so, it'll be 76 hours). And since they need to find someone with Simply Accounting, I may be here awhile (I looooove having a computer at work that I'm allowed to use during break time!)

A new blog
I've started a blog specifically for my dirty dirty writing. Lots of lesbians and vampires and bondage, so go check it out. I'll be starting to post sometime this week or next. Not from work obviously lol.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Pride and Prejudice...

2008-09-03T03:42:00.001-07:00

I am proud because I have aquired a second, if temporary job, working as a secretary at a company that builds incredible homes. I am proud because my close friend is working a job that he loves and because he can walk taller at that job with the bind I gave him. I am proud of my friends that are deeply in love and planning to get engaged.

I am proud of myself for getting into my school of choice and not giving into the emotional pressure that begged me not to bother trying. I am proud of myself for being strong and standing up to the people that were hurting me, even if they turned against me in the end.

I am proud of the friends that have ignored the rumors and the lies and stood by me. I am proud of those who have showed they are true and ashamed that I was blinded by the false ones who so readily believe and spread hate about me.

I am tired of the prejudice against me because I spoke my mind against my roommate who sat around like a lump in my home for next to no rent, not working, not cleaning up after anything unless I got angry at her, while I worked so she could eat, so we had electricity and internet (which she used guiltlessly). I am tired of people thinking that I mistreated her when I, at the suggestion of a "friend" asked her to leave my home. I was wrong in telling her to get out before the end of the weekend, but she was abusing my trust and my home and I corrected my misdeeds by allowing her as long as she needed (which turned out to be nearly three months) to get her things out of my apartment.

I am tired of being judged on my mistakes and not the good deeds that I try to do. I am tired of having to keep my mouth shut when people start to badmouth my friends because I'm so worried about telling them that they are wrong, because my honesty has been my undoing.

I try to remember the good in my life. I have three people that I am seeing, not dating, just spending good playful time with, I am due to attend an amazing school in March to further my career in photography, and I will be capable of paying for the rest of my body modifications before I return to school.

But the bad... the hatred and the whispers, the accusation that I ruined the relationship of my two friends because we are having fun together (all three of us, no exclusions), my so called childhood friend making me into a villian who mistreats her when I am simply calling her out on her own bad behavior... it seems so much bigger. And I am afraid because I don't know how much longer I can fight it off.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Thinking...

2008-08-24T18:17:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking. And life is pretty good right now. Or it's going to be. It's not so great right at this moment, but I can see the future and the future is a wonderful place. I can't wait to see where it takes me.

Right now my life is kind of chaotic. I have lots to do before I move this week, I'm working at a porn shop in a less than nice area of town, my family is being a tad on the difficult side and my friends are entrenched in drama - not as much as the last few months, but it's still there. To top it all off, the emergency prescription for... whatever anti anxiety med I was on... that they gave me in the E.R. a few months ago is running out.

But I'm going to be moving home and bill free soon. In March I start school at Vancouver Institute of Media Arts to learn digital photography. I've started spending time with a VERY hot couple and an equally gorgeous single that has been leading to some interesting situations. My show starts next month and I think I've really got a chance to make it great. I've got a local gym that I'll be able to go to daily if I want to and hopefully WILL be going to daily, I'm making good money which is great for future usage.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And it's brilliant, blinding... incredible.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

From the mouths of dykes...

2008-08-21T16:18:00.000-07:00

On a quote from new book:

"Well that's pretty much what we said. 'Come over for dinner and movies' means the same thing as 'come over and I'll do terrible things to you' doesn't it?"

Cleaning...

2008-08-11T22:16:00.000-07:00

I would like very much to have a magic wand so I might wave it around and have everything done please.

On top of everything I have left to do leading up to moving that the landlord requires (mainly vigorous scrubbing of all appliances and defrosting of fridge, vacuuming curtains etc.) I still have to:
clean the apartment
call the goodwill to haul away my ex boyfriend's furniture that he "gifted" to me so he didn't have to worry about it anymore
do half a zillion loads of dishes and laundry
send a bunch of furniture up to my sister
move the last remnants of it home
sort through dozens of boxes that never got sorted through before/after I moved because there was too much happening
decide when would be the least traumatic time to move my animals
figure out how to get blue hair dye courtesy of a ridiculous evening with Andrea and Robyn off of my bathroom ceiling (don't ask)
paint the second room at my mum's house
change the shower head and get mine installed in the bathroom at mum's house
talk John into letting me have the bathroom to myself
sort clothes into keep and give away piles
send clothes that are being given away to goodwill
make sure I haven't made any massive holes in the walls where I've hung art
if so, fix said holes
figure out how to hide the hole my rats chewed in the living room curtain or fix it

Oh and after I've moved everything and got myself settled... I have to pull off a drag show flawlessly mid September. And among all that I have to eat, sleep and work.
Gah.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Why didn't I think of this?

2008-08-05T13:59:00.000-07:00

Despite that fact that I'm twenty years old and should have no apparent interest in the news, everyday I like to go to mytelus.com and check it out. Today, I had to share something, mainly because... it's insane!!!

Death row inmate Richard Cooey claims he's too fat to be executed

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
COLUMBUS, Ohio - A death row inmate scheduled for execution says he's too fat to be put to death, claiming executioners would have trouble finding his veins and that his weight could diminish the effectiveness of one of the lethal injection drugs.
Lawyers for Richard Cooey argue in a federal lawsuit that Cooey - five-foot-seven and 267 pounds - had poor veins when he faced execution five years ago and the problem has been worsened by weight gain.

The lawsuit, filed Friday in federal court, also says prison officials have had difficulty drawing blood from Cooey for medical procedures.
Cooey, 41, is sentenced to die for raping and murdering two young women in 1986. His execution is scheduled for Oct. 14.
Two years ago, convicted killer Jeffrey Lundgren was put to death after a federal appeals court rejected his claim that he was at greater risk of experiencing pain and suffering because he was overweight and diabetic.

Now, maybe it's just me, but maybe he should have thought of "pain and suffering" when he was, oh say, raping and killing those two university students? To be honest, even as someone who rallies against the death penalty, I'm beginning to think he deserves it on the grounds that he feels he deserves better than two girls who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. If you read the article, this guy has already had his execution delayed AND he's put on more weight since then! Hmmm... think there's a strategy here? Here's an idea. Put him on a diet and exercise regime! It's a prison, it's not like he can't be closely monitored to make sure he's not breaking the rules.

You can read the whole article here

It really just makes me sick that he's had the chance to put on weight when they know that it could cause problems. I have always felt that criminals are treated far too well and while I don't agree that they should be put to death, I also don't agree that they should get a free education (see Clifford Olsen and Charles Manson, both have earned degrees while in prison, on tax payer money) better food than I get, and the chance to get out so quickly. I don't believe people who murder should EVER be released and Canadian law is far too good to criminals.

That's just my thoughts...

Love and Kisses,

Andro Angel

Pride, Whoo!

2008-08-03T19:12:00.000-07:00

Pride was awesome. I've got TONS of photos and I will be posting some once I get back from work.
Gah....
So don't want to work. Far too tired lol.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Alone, in pain and thoughtful...

2008-07-31T23:47:00.000-07:00

My first note in this post is that ovaries... are evil. I'm serious now, they should be made illegal, exiled to some far away planet where they can never plague us with cramps and blood again. It's been a particularly hellish day, involving alot of pain and a (ever so slightly dramatic) phone call to my mother where I was pretty much convinced I was dying. It certainly felt that way, since I cannot recall any previous month since this horrid affliction took over my body (thank god I started later in life) that was quite this bad. So as one might suspect, I am thoroughly unimpressed with those nasty little organs and would like very much to have them removed please?

How much are ovaries going for on Ebay these days anyways?

Lying in pain, I couldn't help but start thinking. Alot of it has been about the people in my life and how they've affected me. Particularily my partners. I keep attracting the people who are more troubled than I am, and then, just when I start spending time with someone who isn't, I start to push them away. I'm sure that there's some perfectly wonderful definition for my prediciment, that there is a pyschologist out there waiting to tell me what I'm doing wrong... but in honesty, I can kind of figure it out.

I deserve to be alone. And those people... the normal ones who are so sweet, so caring... they deserve so much better than me. It has been no surprise when, one after another, the people I was coming to care about, the ones who, like me, didn't want a relationship... found one. Found a wonderful partner who treats them so well. I know what I'm like in a relationship and alot of it comes from years of depression. I am a physical person when I'm seeing someone, I have to know that they care about me and I need to see it in physical gestures. I need to be around someone as much as possible because - and I gave this advice to someone else before realizing it was exactly how I was seeing the world - I spent so many years seeing attention equal love. At least in my mind. Like my friend, I had an adopted sibling with special needs and she took up alot of my mother's time. I began to see attention as love, a twisted world view, but it has still left me with a strong desire for physical closeness in my relationships.

How does that relate to my previous relationships? Because the people who are like me, and worse in alot of ways, are willing to give that physical closeness, either because they think it will get them somewhere other than snuggles, or they have the same need I do. But it never lasts, too many issues in one relationship. And the normal folks... they can't give me what I need and they don't deserve the drama that I create when I don't get what I need.

I know this. So I should be able to fix it. Right?

I'm trying. I really am and I spend every day trying. But without that physical closeness, I end up feeling lost and empty and once again begin to deteriorate into nothingness... and it hurts. And I can't cope. The past few weeks I've fallen asleep in tears because I'm so tired of trying. It just seems like too much... like I'm fighting a losing battle because in the end...

I am alone. I am always alone. And maybe it's better that way.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Why So Serious?

2008-07-30T00:45:00.000-07:00

My Jokers.

The first was created when I was just a year old and for nearly twenty years, Jack Nickelson was my Joker. Tim Burton created the world that I fell in love with as a child and continue to adore. And Jack Nickelson was a huge part of that. I'm not too prideful to admit that as a child I had a massive crush on his Joker, though I often mused that I wished he was younger. I have a thing for bad boys/girls, whatevers. Always have, always will. And the Joker epitomized the bad boys.

From his humble roots as a gangster playing right hand to a "tired old man", to the laughing mutated criminal mastermind that terrorized the imaginary city of Gotham throughout the single Batman movie he appeared in.

I loved Jack's Joker. He was a killer, but he was also a snappy dresser and just crazy enough to still be amusing. He was a smooth talker, and a bit of a pig to be honest. But everything he did, he did with class, he tried to be suave and always... always... with a smile on his face.

My favorite part of the Joker was his back story, specifically his murder of Bruce's parents, making them the creators of one another. I felt it really accounted for alot of why the Joker became the Batman's arch enemy and a leader in the industy of villianny. When he was killed off, I thought I was never going to see the Joker, my secret hero of the movie world, again.

And then the Batman franchise was reopened in Batman Begins and I had hope that I was going to see the Joker. Instead it was Doctor Crane, the Scarecrow who made his appearance. Just as I really was losing hope once more, those fateful lines "leaves it as a calling card" appeared with the image of the famous Joker playing card and I knew... he was coming back. As Harley Quinn said, "Puddin's coming home!"

And so we come to The Dark Knight where Heath Ledger comes along to play the Joker. See, now I'm torn because Heath Ledger's Joker... was truly Oscar worthy! Amazing, honestly, far beyond what I could have hoped for. He did the Joker justice in his own way. A little less dashing and a little more nitty-gritty, clothes a little more grunge than Armani. Yet somehow it was still THE Joker.

Twitching his way through his performance, Heath reminded us why he was such an incredible and versatile actor. To go from Patrick in Ten Things I Hate About You, to the happy-go-lucky Jacob Grimm, to a cowboy concerned about his own homosexual tendancies, to the Joker... nobody will forget him and nobody will forget this performance. Ledger fans around the globe who had never even heard of Batman (as difficult as that may sound) made sure to see his last finished project and I doubt that anybody has been disappointed. I am avoiding talking too much about the film in fear that I may spoil it for the masses who haven't seen it yet... but needless to say, it was worth it. So very very worth it.

We come to the question... which Joker was better? Neither. Because to compare Jack and Heath's performances would be like comparing classic cars. You just can't do it because they're so very differant and yet so incredible. I love both and so they both are my Jokers. The psychopaths that won my heart. The reason Harley Quinn is (next to Catwoman, of course) my favorite female character in the comic book world.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel aka Harley Quinn

RIP Heath Ledger 1979-2008
"Why so serious?"

Sins of the Flesh...

2008-07-27T14:50:00.000-07:00

I'm loathe to speak of some of the things that happened yesterday and yet... overall it was such a good day, such a powerfully happy day, that I have to remind myself that there is good and bad and that we can't wipe out the bad or ignore it because without it, what would we have to compare the good to? Could we truly be happy if we didn't understand what sadness felt like?

Yesterday was DKV and Sin City, as well as my family lunch for my 20th birthday. I turned 20 on Friday, but Saturday was the day I had booked off, so all of my birthday events were tucked in there. I managed to con my mother and father into having lunch together with me, a bit of a feat considering they've been divorced since I was ten. But they get along well and at lunch I discovered just how well, because they had been conspiring to purchase me a laptop together as a birthday gift for some weeks now. However, because of VanArts' policy of giving laptops to all their photo students, I will most likely be recieving one in March when I go back to school. So instead, I ended up with a Nikon D60 digital SLR camera, 10.2 megapixals of sex! It has vibration reduction technology built into the lens which is wicked because my hands tend to shake during long shoots.

Afterwards my dad dropped me off at the skytrain and I headed out for a make-up session. This I won't talk about, because I don't believe in spreading negative crap around and I was stupid enough to talk about it in front of someone who told the artist that I wasn't happy with the work, as I was adjusting the make-up to better suite my purpose. I left from there to go to the DKV. I was a bit late, but I still made it in time to organize myself and get the prop work done as efficiently as last time. I are prop-manager extrodinaire! It was a blast and there were some great numbers. M's... I can't even begin to describe it. It was wonderful.

M and I headed out to Sin City post-DKV, as pre-planned, to enjoy their Seven Deadly Sins Seventh Anniversary party. I cheerfully pointed out to M that I would have been 13 when they started, to which he replied that I made him feel old. Pft. He's only five years older than me. Silly boy. There were some amazing burlesque numbers and lots of hot people dancing on the stage between sets. That's the only thing I regret, not grabbing one of the girls that we came with and dragging them on stage. I was thrilled to see R happy, probably one of the first times that I've seen them just let loose and enjoy themselves since I met them. It seems like L has been a good influence, in spite of the fact that I don't always agree with the things she does.

I'm sore from dancing so much, but I'm glad I did. I looked good and I felt good and for the first time in a long time... I didn't think so much. I didn't worry. I just let loose and enjoyed myself.

One of the most amusing parts of the evening? J and E making out, both ending up covered in fake blood. This is what happens when you decide to coat yourself in fake blood as part of your Sin City costume J! *snickers*. It wasn't a pairing I would have suspected, but it was entertaining nonetheless.

And no. I won't put full names because, as R cheerfully stated "What happens at Sin City... stays at Sin City!"

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Vancouver Institute of Media Arts

2008-07-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

So I received the information package from VanArts, including the application for admission to the digital photography program, which is only available full-time. It is also going to cost me $22,900. It's a 12 month intensive program which means I may need to take a year off work which means I have to save my little tush off.

The bonus to this whole thing? I get a Free Laptop & Adobe CS3 (which I need to look up so I can find out if it's any good). I'm assuming this is so that all their students have the correct technology to take the course. It's a pretty spiffy deal, considering they are charging me, or more correctly, my mother, an arm and a leg to attend if I end up choosing VanArts as my school of choice.

There's 4 terms. Term 2 is enormous and rather intimidating looking and even if I don't take off a whole year should I decide to go to VanArts, I may take off work during second term so that I can focus on school.

During Term 4 you take a Small Business Management course while you are building your final portfolio, which I think is super spiffy. I am liking the look of Term 2, Photojournalism, Advanced Photoshop and Fine Art & Nude Photography are all covered during this term.

I'm not making any final decisions yet, but I like that I can start laying out my options with more clarity.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

The Good, The Bad, The Random

2008-07-23T10:53:00.000-07:00

The good...
I went on a fabulous shopping trip on Monday and picked up a silk under bust corset, skirt and full length lace gloves from Deadly Couture, for Sin City on Saturday. The final bill? $250. What makes this even more fabulous? I STILL don't have to borrow money from my mother for next month's bills! The corset is incredible and what's more, if I find that it's not doing it's job well, I can have all the boning ripped out and replaced with sturdier steel for a measly $30. And when it closes in the back with ease (apart from meaning I have achieved a waspy 28 inch waist) I have one free fitting to make it fit my new skinnier self. Am extremely excited to be hitting Sin City on Saturday as Vanity *purrs happily*

The bad...
I have been functioning on the bare minimum of sleep for the past few days. Yesterday I got three hours before heading to work. I didn't think I was going to get any, so I'm somewhat pleased. However, my body functions in a certain way and the lack of sleep over the past week (less than three hours average a night) has got me nauseous - which means I can't sleep right now because I can never sleep when I get nauseous . Am completely unimpressed and feeling a bit pouty.

The random...
At least I have Blood Ties (my new vampire related obsession) and Savage Love articles to keep me distracted from said nausea. And I'm turning twenty in two days.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Schools...

2008-07-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

Emily Carr:
Photography Major
Photography offers a strong emphasis on conceptual, technical and historical knowledge, preparing students to become innovative photographers within contemporary culture. Curriculum covers a wide range of cameras, black and white and colour processes, archival fine art printing, digital output, installations, and projected imagery.

Langara College:
Photography Certificate Program
The Photography Certificate Program is one of the largest, most comprehensive part-time study programs in commercial photography in Canada. It is designed for those interested in pursuing a career in commercial photography, photojournalism, portraiture or fine art. This program places equal emphasis on applied technical, artistic and stylistic issues.

Students entering basic level courses in this program do not need any previous training or experience in photography. Students must have their own 35mm or digital SLR camera and a sturdy tripod. An assortment of lenses is not necessary but is an advantage. Students with previous training or experience may challenge courses up to Practical Lighting through a portfolio showing with the Program Coordinator.

Our instructors represent some of the top individuals in the commercial and fine art fields of photography. These working professionals ensure that students learn the most up-to-date techniques and acquire a realistic perspective of the commercial and fine art photographic industries, including the ethics and politics of the industry.

Langara College facilities include three fully equipped studios, 13 fully equipped colour and black & white darkrooms, colour and black & white dry-to-dry print processors, a large wet processing area, a large print finishing and mounting room and two well-equipped Mac labs for digital imagery.

Focal Point:
Photography is undeniably the most popular and influential form of visual art media and is used by an extremely diverse range of people as the most effective way of communicating their message to the world. Each student is invited to expand their sense of visual awareness, unleash creativity, and produce images that they will be proud to put in a portfolio, exhibit, or sell to a prospective client.

The design of our full time diploma program guides students planning to become professional photographers. We are proud of the depth and breadth of our program content. The curriculum uses studio, location, darkroom, and digital imaging assignments to help students hone their technical mastery and explore their creative ambitions in the dynamic medium of photography. Maintaining our high standards, all of the courses at Focal Point are taught by working professionals who tap from their experience and on-the-job knowledge to educate students on how to get the most out of their cameras. Class sizes are often at a 12 student maximum and the mixture of classroom, field trip, and workshops offer students a low teacher/student ratio and ensures an excellent education.

We at Focal Point are excited to provide the means for individuals to begin careers and immerse themselves in the inspirational and ever-changing world of professional photography.

VanArts:
Digital Photography
Photography is much more than just taking a picture! It has been referenced as one of the most influential forms of visual media. In recent years, the rapid development of digital technology has revolutionized the photographic industry. The VanArts Digital Photography one-year, full-time diploma program is designed to prepare students to master the artistic, technical and business practices for all areas of the professional photography industry - consumer, commercial, stock and fine art.

Our program is the first of its kind in North America to focus on digital technologies and offer both practical photography experience and specific business development tools. Students use top of line lighting equipment in a professional studio environment, are provided their own laptop computer, and are trained by experienced working professionals.

You graduate with:

a diploma
a professional portfolio
own website and business plan
proficiency in photographing, lighting, photo editing and full digital workflow
industry contacts

Objectionable Bloggage...

2008-07-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

So I actually READ the disclaimer I agreed to have put on my blog, this morning as I was pondering going to sleep. I am honest enough with myself to realize that some of my thoughts and daily happenings might just happen to be in the 18+ category of readership. But this is just entertaining. How terribly PC of Blogger:

"Some readers may find the content of this blog objectionable. In general, Google does not review nor do we endorse the content of this or any blog. For more information about our content policies, please visit the Blogger Terms of Service"

I love it. My blog is "objectionable". Do I get a cookie?

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel.

Molly...

2008-07-20T02:45:00.000-07:00

Every Tuesday on my way to work on Granville St, my route takes me past Molly. Molly, for those of you who either don't live in Vancouver, or don't do much walking on Granville St. is a homeless woman that posts herself on the corner of Granville St and... whatever street it is that London Drugs is on. In front of the London Drugs, she sits with her sign:

"Homeless and Hungry. Please help.
Love, Molly"

And so once a week I head past her, giving her slightly more than the nervous look that most of the homeless in Vancouver get from me. Homeless people are nothing new to me, and for that very reason, I don't give them money. For that same reason, I don't give Molly money. But something in my heart aches whenever I see her. That could be my sister, or my cousin, or my friend, sitting there on Granville St. She has long dark hair that reminds me of my step-mother, a round face so much like mine it's scary. That could be me... I don't know what she's been through, but any set of situations could have put me in that same place, praying every day that someone will care.

I remember one day, Molly wasn't there when I walked past. Her sign lay in the same spot it has for all the time I've been walking on Granville. But she had vanished. Worry sprang in my mind, what could have happened, was she alright, had someone hurt her? I cared.

Today I had to go pick up my phone charger because I left it at the store. I got McDonalds on the way back and didn't finish more than half of it. I decided to hang onto my food, give it out to someone who needed it. Walking back past her, I realized that I had saved it for her. I can say what I want, but that saved food was for her from the time I closed the box. Some part of me cares about her, and is rooting for her to get her life together. She was hunched over, shaking, when I gave her the food, likely high on something from her behavior. But I didn't feel any different about it.

Every Tuesday I walk past Molly and I am reminded of how good I have it. And I am thankful.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Thoughts...

2008-07-18T12:42:00.001-07:00

In seven days, I will be twenty years old...

I'm not nearly ready to be twenty...

My GED prep book weighs more than my suitcase when it's full of shoes...

I don't want to get my ECE or any other silly degrees...

I want to go to art school...

I think I have been in love for a long time and am only just coming to realize it...

My new piercing is sore...

I don't know the meaning of life...

I desperately need a new computer... but I want a ferret...

I'm finding it harder and harder to justify my friends and their behavior...

I wonder what it would be like to be a hermit...

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

The Cat

2008-07-15T01:21:00.000-07:00

Running, racing, writhing
Through the windswept woods
Freedom burning through my
Taut limbs, coursing
As I fly past the trees

I wake, startled to reality
Tears stinging my cheeks
As the scent of the forest fades
My heart aching with longing
To dash, unrestrained.

But I am not the creature
That runs in my dreams
No feline gazes from the mirror
Bound to this mortal body
I run only in my dreams.

So I close my eyes
And sleep...

Lost... Loved....

2008-07-13T08:32:00.000-07:00

I feel unbearably alone these days, wandering a confusing and frightening path in this world, tangled with the strangeness of my friends and their battles against each other. I struggle to remain neutral, remain silent, to avoid being drawn into their fights.

Yet I feel a traitor for not speaking up when someone I know is innocent, is being falsely accused. I just don't want to create conflict, I'd rather avoid it at all costs, a trait that is beginning to turn me into a doormat. But I do feel like a traitor and I wish I could get up the courage to look a friend in the eye and tell them that they are wrong.

In related thoughts...

I'm terribly sick of people telling me that I'm not over D. I am VERY over D. They think I miss him, I thought I missed him. But we were all wrong. What I miss, what I long for is physical closeness, which is why I'm so easy to get close to. I love having someone in the bed next to me, climbing into a shower together. All the comforting acts that have nothing to do with sex. But I do not miss D. I really thought I did, even thought I might still love him. But I don't. Recently I have come to realize that I have finally gotten over him. It was an unhealthy relationship and I am better for being free of it.

I don't need him anymore. I don't love him. I am finally content just to be me. I think, at last... I'm learning to love myself. And it's a good feeling.

Love and Kisses
Andro Angel

Look at that girl...

2008-07-11T03:13:00.000-07:00

Alright, so yesterday I had a photo shoot with fellow genderqueer and truly FABULOUS makeup artist, Scott Hurr. We traipsed around downtown, cheerfully traumatizing the passersby through a several hour long shoot that involved five separate locations and four costume changes. I got to frolic in Scott's lolita costume against an ivy backdrop, play wood nymph in my gorgeous gold and black medieval gown, and flirt in a alleyway school girl shoot. The first location was a bit awkward - I was in pants and I just never do well shooting in pants unless they are hot and sexy and made of leather.

But the second, dressed in a puffy lolita dress and blouse, swinging my japanese parasol around went magnificently and turned out the best set of the whole shoot. I had a blast and have even been loaned the dress for future play. We got some wicked shots of the boots Scott loaned me (on loan/stolen from another friend) and I just genuinely enjoyed myself. We used the same outfit for the third location, a rundown looking garage office and car where we got some fun retro looking shots.

For the fourth location we decided hit up Chinatown and shot around a fountain/parky type area just off the Skytrain. I got to play wood nymph and bounce around in my barefeet which I love and have not been able to do nearly enough since I moved out of my small and ridiculously clean town. We dragged the same costume down a massive flight of stairs to a little alley beneath, the fifth and last location where we did some "Jack the Ripper" inspired shots and then switched costumes, marched to the opposite end of the alley to play school girl. The last location didn't turn out as well - it was getting darker and without the flash, which tended to cause red-eye issues and funny looking skin, the photos were pretty blurred.

I had a blast though and got alot of random compliments during the shots at the fourth location, both on the dress and Scott's amazing make up work. Of course, I also got compared to a star trek character because of the way they curved my eyebrows up and dotted above them, for effect. They are one of my favorite make up artists to work with because of little things like that, it's just way too much fun wearing extreme make up like that and then going out in public. The photos are up on facebook and I have, as you see, posted small sampling of them here for viewer pleasure.

Cause I looked so hot yesterday, you all must see it ^.^

Love and Kisses
Andro Angel

In the beginning there was darkness...

2008-07-11T02:55:00.000-07:00

So in an attempt to maximize exposure and try and become an honest and true blogger, I have dragged my hesitant blog from the safe confines of livejournal and joined up with blogspot. This has come with much humming and hawing, as I have been a loyal livejournal girl for many years. But change appears to be a necessary evil.

So here it goes...

I am a twenty year old fetish model and photographer. I also delve into fashion and sci-fi/fantasy shoots, as flexibility is always a good idea. At the moment I work mostly in the "amateur" grouping, helping friends build their portfolios and doing small privately owned websites. I occasionally work as a webcam girl for IMLive, although it's been many months since I managed to get online and do any work. My main job (the one that pays the bills) is as a clerk in an adult video store. I work graveyards so there will most likely be many many random posts involving the ins and outs of that job, as well as the strange people that have come in to chat.

Writing is a passion of mine. My first work is due to be published some time next year in an anthology of prose-type true stories by the friends, family and significant others of transsexuals, written about my ex-partner who is an FTM transexual - I may or may not post it here, I am removing it from my livejournal at least until it is published. I write with relative frequency. What started out as a hobby, something to vent and let everything out, appears to actually have a great deal of potential as a career.

While most of my work deals in prose and chatter about my day to day, I will occasionally brave posting my poetry online, for honest critique - I can't be as good as I think I am, and thus need my ego to be dragged down occasionally by friendly "wtf is this shit?" type comments.

Anyways, that's all for this post. Stay tuned for some chatter on my most recent photo shoot with photographer/make-up artist Scott Hurr.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel