Misery made beautiful...

I'm nervous. I'm excited.
I'm a thousand things, and one of them...

...is disappointment.

She didn't fight for me.

She just let me go.

Let me walk into the dragon's lair

and have the great creature strip me bare,

tear me to pieces and leave me aching and wanting...

...more

I wander this night

Back to the dominance

That brings me peace.

And yet...

Why does the one I love treat it

With such...

Indifferance

Is it possible... that the young one

has already won her...

heart?

I can't think of it... I won't

And so the dragon I go

To forget...

to breath...

to live...

To feel her lash my flesh...

...and be reborn into peace

Organizing....

So I'm working on getting my blog organized into something that people might actually read. I'm going to be doing alot of fetish photography once I get my equipment replaced and I've been doing some neat bondage crafts that I'll post photos of. When my credit card is paid down, I'm going to register bondageandbodypaint.com for blog and personal photography purposes. Will set it up with a flash gallery for people to look at when they are reading my blog.

Then to get my business site set up - existentialphotographer.com

Wish me luck.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel.

Lost in this world...

I'm still discovering who I am here in Edmonton. It's been a difficult process, made no less difficult by my recent illness and my own insecurities.

Almost 2 years ago I got out of a particularily bad open relationship. Prior to that I'd been in a very successful open relationship that left me very comfortable with my own polyamorous-ness. It had been short lived but a good learning experience and the couple that I was dating was wonderful. Then I met D and had an explosively bad relationship that ended with him leaving me for the other person in our relationship. With how badly that went and how badly it ended, only a great deal of love for my current partner had me entering a relationship with her, because she's already seeing a trans-woman here in Edmonton. I knew that moving out here, but it's still hard for me to see her leave me for the night and go to her tgirl.

It was especially hard the time she left for two nights - that's what D did the night before he dumped me. I'm fighting hard against my own issues, I love her so much and I have to trust that she's going to come home to me, that she does love me back.

We've taken a young woman under our wing, a very cute 18 year old submissive that reminds me of me when I dated Katt and Wolfe. A few weeks ago we did a needle play scene with her that was very very hot. She can take ALOT of pain which is sexy as hell. I miss being able to take that kind of pain and I want to work on getting back to it.

I'm struggling with my job right now. Of six pay cheques, I've been shorted on 5 of them. It's very frustrating and I'm seeking new employment to try and deal with the money issues. I've never been paid more than 60 hours which I'm beginning to suspect is a 7-11 conspiracy against their employees.

I'm so lost in this dEdmonton world and I'm trying so hard to find myself, to find out what my path is...

Somebody please shine a light for me...
Help me see...

Love and Kisses
Andro Angel

Sleepless

You're asleep in the bedroom. While I wander naked through our apartment, head spinning, limbs shaking, desperate to fall under the same Sandman spell that holds you. Too many thoughts in this head of mine that drag me from the warmth and love of your arms into the cold chill of our night filled home. Too much darkness that has haunted me, that nips at my heels and threatens to destroy the happiness I have found.

I never want to feel that way again... that dark awful state that had me locked away, that leaves me dosed up on medication to keep me sane. I want you to be the only thing that I need to keep me sane, but I know what it was like before the medication. B.M. The awful days when nothing seemed right, nothing seemed safe and my own mind was something to run screaming from.

Will you care for me if the darkness takes over? If I fall once more into the blackened pit of my mind and get lost in the horror of my own insanity...

Money money money...

Paycheque to-dos:
Buy bus ticket to Edmonton: $129.00
Pay Ashley back: $10.00
Payment on phone bill: $100.00
Buy Gym pass: $27.50

Total: $266.50

I get one more paycheque before I leave for Edmonton and hopefully I will have my credit card organized by the end of this week. Am looking forward to this trip more than I can say - saying goodbye to Har today was painful and it's eased a little knowing that it's not going to even be a month before I get to see her again.

Love and Kisses,
Angel

Complications

I've been struggling alot with my mental and physical health this year. It's been a rough year and everytime I turn around my body is rebelling against me just to make things harder.

I've been trying to make sure that I spend lots of time around people I feel safe with. I need the physical contact, it keeps me grounded. I worry alot that I'm going to overwhelm people, but not being around people leaves me feeling lost. I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to drive people away.

Luckily, I have one person who lives right around the corner from me and is more than ok with being a cuddle-buddy. And my lovely lady is in town this week, got to spend lots of cuddle and play time with her on Monday night. I'm all marked up from our play time *giggles* and have other lovely marks from my cuddle-buddy. I can't really call him a f*ck buddy because we haven't been that far yet. *shrugs* We'll see.

Love and Kisses,
Angel

Never-never Land

I’m beginning to feel like this is never going to happen. I was doing ok when I first started school, especially since we had only lost John a month earlier, and then I had that break down and was in the hospital for a week, and ever since I barely have the will to get out of bed in the morning.

I dropped another huge handful of goals today because everytime I looked at the list I got so overwhelmed. There’s so much I told myself I could do when I started here and now almost everything centers around getting better. Losing weight, exercising, sleeping better, getting over things… nothing but steps towards my mental health improving. If it ever does.

See more progress on: Beat my depression