So I'm going to talk about some heavy stuff today, mainly because I need to get it off my chest. A lot has happened lately that has been affected by some abuse I went through when I was younger. The person *we'll call them A here for easy reading* perpetrating the abuse was beating me up on a fairly regular basis from the time I was six until they left my life when I was fourteen. Along with the near daily hitting, kicking etc. they were also abusing me sexually, coercing me into games that in hindsight, I did enjoy, which has left me with a deep sense of guilt over the whole thing because not once did I stop it. Now, I did not understand what was happening when I was young and as I grew older, A was always bigger than me, until long after they left and I grew. It never occured to me to tell my mother or father - I was being accused of getting A in trouble all the time and didn't know if they would believe me.
The games started out fully clothed with strange actions that, at six and for the following few years, I did not recognize because, well, it's not like people are demonstrating sex to you at that age. As we got older, it did progress to full blown sex, because A knew I wasn't going to tell. Looking back on it, it was obvious that A had been abused before they came to live with us, and that they were in turn playing the role of the aggressor in starting these games with me.
The thing is... not only was A younger than me by two years (which didn't change the fact that they were always bigger than me) but A... was female. I know my case is almost unheard of and that is a big part of the reason I've put off seeing someone about it. I have talked to people about it - I have a friend whose childhood abuser was female, though an adult and my last couple of partners have been told, mainly because I hit a state of panic when I try to go too far with someone. To this day I've managed to avoid letting people below my waist. A was and has remained the only person I've gone down on, touched below the waist, the only one to go down on me and touch me below the waist... with the exception of D, a moment of panic for me that left me out of sorts for days afterwards. I have had some very careful sexual experiences but none involved going under clothes, everything was controlled as best as I could manage because the minute it goes further, it's like the walls start to close in and I panic.
This confusion, this panic, is what cost me the first person I actually wanted to sleep with (and by sleep I mean fuck until neither of us could walk), the most recent person I've dated. We are still friends and I hope always will be, but there is always going to be a wall there now. I've started reading alot and one thing I've realized about myself is one of the defenses I've built up because of the abuse I went through. I test people. It's not intentional, but it's like I have to prove to myself that it's ok that I don't go all the way with them, because they are just using me. By refusing and pushing away, when they back off, it gives me the "proof" I need to say that they didn't want anything but sex. This most recent person I was seeing ended all closeness outside of friendship in a letter, part of which said that he couldn't be close to me and not want to fuck me.
It was like the ultimate proof, even if that wasn't the way it was intended. It left me feeling very much like I'd been duped. I think even if I hadn't spent my whole life subconsciously looking for signs the people were using me, I'd have still been hurt and the abuse I went through only made it worse. I just wish he'd been able to be patient, to stand beside me while I healed, while I dealt with this instead of making sure that it would happen at a distance.
So that's that...
As for the future, I have to find a person of a psychological nature who is all of the following: queer friendly, not easily shocked, has the ability to write prescriptions (I would not be surprised if I ended up needing something to stabilize me enough to deal with my shit), lives in Vancouver or the surrounding area, has dealt with childhood abuse cases before and, also, is free.
Not asking much am I?
Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel
No comments:
Post a Comment