Broken...

Sometimes I make decisions. Sometimes they are based on what I think the people around me need and sometimes, on very rare occasions, they're based on what I know I need. Last night I made one of those "for me" decisions." I decided, after giving myself some cool down time to think about it, that I needed to end the relationship I have been building with S. It was nothing against them, but there is a lot of Drama, with that capital D, between them and my ex and it's just way too much for me to deal with. It's not my drama and I shouldn't have to deal with it.

It's not often I decide to do anything simply for me. And so, when I make these occasional selfish choices, people tend to jump all over me, call me all sorts of names. In this case the main name was coward, followed by accusations that I was running away from challenges. I don't know what part of "my step-dad died, I start school in a week, I suffer from anxiety and depression and I don't need anymore CRAP" nobody seems to understand.

I think the hardest part is that my ex spend the better part of three hours berating me and it appears that S was fine with it. It fucking broke my heart to have to end things with S and I thought they understood why I needed to pull away, why this was so important to me. I had hoped that with time, we could continue our friendship and now I worry that they have truly washed their hands of me.

There is a part of me screaming that this was a mistake, but the much larger part of me knows that it wasn't, and that the tirade my ex dumped on me is proof that the drama was only getting worse. I think the very worst part was that he really doesn't seem to see that his relationship is in trouble. Another affirming point to the fact that I did this right, because I can see and S can see and multiple other people can see that they have things to work on, and if my ex can't... he never would have seen the end coming if he'd continued on the path he was on.

I have to believe that it's ok to make decisions for my own heart. I feel so much for S, and I know that if it was really meant to be a long term thing with them, we will find our way back to each other with time.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel