I've been taking baby steps towards being more comfortable in my own body, and comfortable with allowing people to touch me, to touch them. I hate that it causes me so many problems, mainly because I hate seeing the look on a partner's face when I pull away. It can range anywhere from anger, to disgust, to hurt, and it destroys me every time.
Unfortunately the only way one can really become more comfortable in their own skin, is to actually touch and be touched and right now being touched involves literally forcing myself to stay still, almost holding my breath, while someone's hands are on me. It can be agonizing because there's a major flight instinct, and I can't help but want to run, or pull away, and eventually I have to because I just can't do it. It makes me feel damn pathetic.
S and I have been working on it, last night was alot of fun and playful touching, rarely going below the waist and most of the time when it did, I panicked. The panic doesn't kick in nearly as badly when I'm touching someone else, but I get shy around it because, to be honest, I'm worried I'll do it wrong. I've had so little experience with sex and the thought of not bringing someone pleasure, of performing badly - performance anxiety I guess - is terrifying!
*sighs*
I'm working on it. Baby steps right?
Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel
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