My first note in this post is that ovaries... are evil. I'm serious now, they should be made illegal, exiled to some far away planet where they can never plague us with cramps and blood again. It's been a particularly hellish day, involving alot of pain and a (ever so slightly dramatic) phone call to my mother where I was pretty much convinced I was dying. It certainly felt that way, since I cannot recall any previous month since this horrid affliction took over my body (thank god I started later in life) that was quite this bad. So as one might suspect, I am thoroughly unimpressed with those nasty little organs and would like very much to have them removed please?
How much are ovaries going for on Ebay these days anyways?
Lying in pain, I couldn't help but start thinking. Alot of it has been about the people in my life and how they've affected me. Particularily my partners. I keep attracting the people who are more troubled than I am, and then, just when I start spending time with someone who isn't, I start to push them away. I'm sure that there's some perfectly wonderful definition for my prediciment, that there is a pyschologist out there waiting to tell me what I'm doing wrong... but in honesty, I can kind of figure it out.
I deserve to be alone. And those people... the normal ones who are so sweet, so caring... they deserve so much better than me. It has been no surprise when, one after another, the people I was coming to care about, the ones who, like me, didn't want a relationship... found one. Found a wonderful partner who treats them so well. I know what I'm like in a relationship and alot of it comes from years of depression. I am a physical person when I'm seeing someone, I have to know that they care about me and I need to see it in physical gestures. I need to be around someone as much as possible because - and I gave this advice to someone else before realizing it was exactly how I was seeing the world - I spent so many years seeing attention equal love. At least in my mind. Like my friend, I had an adopted sibling with special needs and she took up alot of my mother's time. I began to see attention as love, a twisted world view, but it has still left me with a strong desire for physical closeness in my relationships.
How does that relate to my previous relationships? Because the people who are like me, and worse in alot of ways, are willing to give that physical closeness, either because they think it will get them somewhere other than snuggles, or they have the same need I do. But it never lasts, too many issues in one relationship. And the normal folks... they can't give me what I need and they don't deserve the drama that I create when I don't get what I need.
I know this. So I should be able to fix it. Right?
I'm trying. I really am and I spend every day trying. But without that physical closeness, I end up feeling lost and empty and once again begin to deteriorate into nothingness... and it hurts. And I can't cope. The past few weeks I've fallen asleep in tears because I'm so tired of trying. It just seems like too much... like I'm fighting a losing battle because in the end...
I am alone. I am always alone. And maybe it's better that way.
Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel
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