I feel unbearably alone these days, wandering a confusing and frightening path in this world, tangled with the strangeness of my friends and their battles against each other. I struggle to remain neutral, remain silent, to avoid being drawn into their fights.
Yet I feel a traitor for not speaking up when someone I know is innocent, is being falsely accused. I just don't want to create conflict, I'd rather avoid it at all costs, a trait that is beginning to turn me into a doormat. But I do feel like a traitor and I wish I could get up the courage to look a friend in the eye and tell them that they are wrong.
In related thoughts...
I'm terribly sick of people telling me that I'm not over D. I am VERY over D. They think I miss him, I thought I missed him. But we were all wrong. What I miss, what I long for is physical closeness, which is why I'm so easy to get close to. I love having someone in the bed next to me, climbing into a shower together. All the comforting acts that have nothing to do with sex. But I do not miss D. I really thought I did, even thought I might still love him. But I don't. Recently I have come to realize that I have finally gotten over him. It was an unhealthy relationship and I am better for being free of it.
I don't need him anymore. I don't love him. I am finally content just to be me. I think, at last... I'm learning to love myself. And it's a good feeling.
Love and Kisses
Andro Angel
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