On Life - haiku

The seconds tick by
Another chapter in life
Will come to an end

Can We Get a New One?

So there's this whole thing about living at home. It involves sharing the home with my mother, not a terrible thing, and this great big angry thing, six foot, about 250 lbs. We call it "stepfather". And stepfather has a temper issue, mostly involving randomly running around and yelling at people. For example, today when I walked into the room and he came in and started grumbling at the DVD player.

Do you need some help stepfather?

I can live my life without your supervision *grumble grumble, anger*

Ok, I just thought you needed help.

Just shut the fuck up *grumble grumble*

I, understandably, fled the scene after putting the kitchen things away as I'd come in to do. The problem isn't that he was grumpy, but that he's like this ALL THE TIME. And he's not working currently and does not seem to be due to start working again for some time. Since I've decided to stay here while I go to school instead of moving as I was hoping to do, I'm debating on whether or not I need to have a chat about respect with him. Generally talks like that have him turning it around and blaming me for disrespect, why should he respect me etc. etc. But I'm tired of listening to him be rude because he had a bad day. It's not OK to take grumpiness out on everyone around you.

I also have issues with showering when he's home and when he's not working... that's alot of time that I have to try and dodge his schedule to get a shower in. Blegh. I have been a stinky kitty for many reasons >.<

I'm working on creating a safe space for myself, one that my friends actually want to visit because right now... nobody will enter my home because of Stepfather. I spend my weeks going out of my way to see my friends and it doesn't feel right. If they want to be my friends, why would they abandon me in this place just because they don't want to be around him? I have two rooms to myself, they wouldn't have to be around him. I'm barely around him when I'm home.

I asked my mum if we could put him up on craigslist. One foul tempered stepfather, free to a good home. Then we can get a new one... I bet Johnny Depp would be a good stepfather.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Prospects...

So I may or may not have found an apartment for the 1st of December (instead of January which was my hope). I sent an email for a place on Commercial Drive, $415 a month. Utilities not included, but I'm a master at keeping my bills small. And for $415 a month, I could have $100 utility bills and still be good to go.

Here's hoping. It looks like a great little place *crosses fingers*

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Lurking...

I feel like I haven't been living in this world, so much as lurking in it, watching everybody else live their life while not really living my own. I cried myself to sleep last night because I feel so damn lost, I've spent so much time lately feeling so damn lost. I'm going to school in March and I've come to the realization that I cannot live with my mother while I do so. Not because of her so much, but because of him. My stepfather isn't the most tolerant of people (bigoted supremest homophobic asshole would be accurate) and I cannot live in a house where everything I am, everything I believe in is torn down and stomped on.

So the great apartment hunt of 2008 begins. Somewhere I can live until I finish school and beyond, preferably somewhere cheap! In the DTES because it's the most affordable place close to my school where I won't be confined to a single room sharing a house with people (I have too much stuff, haha) Pet friendly so I don't have to get rid of my rats. I want to stay within Zone 1 on the skytrain because I really won't be able to afford three zone tickets living on my own >.< It's all a matter of figuring things out and I hope I can. I'm sick of all this drama and I loved living on my own.

School starts in March, t-minus 108 days and counting!

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Why do we keep doing this?

So I need to get something off of my chest and hoping that someone reads this far into the godforsaken depths of the blog world and that they'll dispense some advice.

Five years ago I met someone who changed things. Tipped the balance in my life and altered it. Permanently. He recognized what I was, gave a name to the darker pleasures, the things that bring me pleasure. Opened up my eyes to a whole other world. The main issue is that he was with someone I was very good friends with. For three years we spent time as friends, careful. Too careful. Then he dropped out of my life. I don't know if it was because it was as hard for him as it was for me... or if the little things just took over. I was living on my own not long out of high school, he was with his girlfriend all the time... pardon me, fiance. All I know is that we weren't around each other much anymore.

Not long ago we started talking again. And tonight... we went for a walk. I met him at my old elementary school and he kissed me. This wouldn't be so shocking except that the closest we've ever come to kissing was one brief passing of a glow-stick mouth to mouth, Halloween 2003. I went for a hug and he grasped my chin and kissed me. And damn it if it wasn't everything I've hoped for these last five years. Something inside me woke up, something that felt like it had died almost a year ago when D left me. Suddenly, all over again, I'm longing for him. And that's wrong. His fiance was one of my closest friends in high school and just because we don't see each other anymore doesn't mean I should let this happen.

But every time I'm around him it matters less and less and my moral compass seems skewed, like it's trying to point a different direction. I want to hang onto my morals... but they were nearly crushed tonight under the weight of his lips and I don't know that they'll take much more pressure before they snap. Before I snap.

Help?

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Right There, Like That (poem)

I feel your hand in my hair
My thoughts like a prayer
Would you pull, just there
Play fair...

Hands round my wrists
And you think I can resist
When you push down like this
Your kiss...

The bite and the slice
Of the blade of the knife
Removes all the strife
My life...

All the things they say
Should make me depraved
The darkest of play
Fly away...

I feel your hand in my hair
Play fair...
Hands round my wrists
Your kiss...

The bite and the slice
My life...
All the things they say
Fly away...

Surprised...

So I spent the better part of Friday night on the phone with my ex. This would be D, the only person I've ever lived with and the very specific ex that I used to blog about frequently before starting up on Blogger. To understand why Friday was so unusual, one has to understand that for the last year since our break up, D and I have had an on again/off again friendship involving several spats and the most recent "not talking to each other" period of about six months, since he broke up with M and I learned to say no, in the process saying it far too much and upsetting him. While I desperately needed to grow a backbone, I chose a bad time to grow it and was far too firm with him, although sometimes he does need that.

Anyways, D and I are both damaged and it's left us very conflicted with each other. So when he called on Friday, I was expecting it to go badly. I know I've done a lot of growing these past months but what I didn't realize was that so has D, partly because my recent conversations with M before I stopped talking to him suggested otherwise. We had an awesome conversation, chatted for an hour while I was getting to work and probably another hour after I got there. It sounds like he's doing really well and I heard none of the "pity me" that M and others had warned me about. In fact, I'm really beginning to think that D is someone that I could like, someone I could have as a friend again. I'm hoping he feels the same. What we had is long gone and I can't be the man he needs, I've always known that. But I think we could build a friendship that is even stronger.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Congratulations...

My breath catches in my chest
I start to shake
My hands get cold
I get dizzy
Frightened, tearing up
Because he lied
Because he said...
He said, he said, he said...
He said all the pretty words
And then turned around
And took them away
Turned around and hurt me
Again...

Liar liar, pants on fire
Hanging on a telephone wire

He held me and told me
That he was still my friend
That I could be honest with him
And yet here I sit
Shaking, screaming
Because he said he needed space
Promised peace and gave emptyness
Perhaps that's what he meant
I'll be at peace... alone.
Drowning because nobody
Can let me be me
Without getting offended

Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you fucking wanted?

He's striving to obtain
His perfect form
Injecting himself with chemicals
To make himself feel good
Cutting away what he hates
And yet...
Growing into a person
I barely recognize...
Because the woman I knew
Would never hurt people
Would never talk to me like this
Why, in becoming this man
Should he change so drastically?

Why do I keep trying
When the change is imminent...

I'm shaking
Because I'm watching him pull away
I'm sick to my stomach
In watching the way
He falls into a world view
Of manhood
Instead of being the sweet
Sensitive human being
- fuck gender, man, woman, whatever-
That I once knew
He's forgotten the lessons
That womanhood taught him
Respect, love, companionship

Congratulations
You're a real man... what a shame.

Past, Present and Future

So I'm going to talk about some heavy stuff today, mainly because I need to get it off my chest. A lot has happened lately that has been affected by some abuse I went through when I was younger. The person *we'll call them A here for easy reading* perpetrating the abuse was beating me up on a fairly regular basis from the time I was six until they left my life when I was fourteen. Along with the near daily hitting, kicking etc. they were also abusing me sexually, coercing me into games that in hindsight, I did enjoy, which has left me with a deep sense of guilt over the whole thing because not once did I stop it. Now, I did not understand what was happening when I was young and as I grew older, A was always bigger than me, until long after they left and I grew. It never occured to me to tell my mother or father - I was being accused of getting A in trouble all the time and didn't know if they would believe me.

The games started out fully clothed with strange actions that, at six and for the following few years, I did not recognize because, well, it's not like people are demonstrating sex to you at that age. As we got older, it did progress to full blown sex, because A knew I wasn't going to tell. Looking back on it, it was obvious that A had been abused before they came to live with us, and that they were in turn playing the role of the aggressor in starting these games with me.

The thing is... not only was A younger than me by two years (which didn't change the fact that they were always bigger than me) but A... was female. I know my case is almost unheard of and that is a big part of the reason I've put off seeing someone about it. I have talked to people about it - I have a friend whose childhood abuser was female, though an adult and my last couple of partners have been told, mainly because I hit a state of panic when I try to go too far with someone. To this day I've managed to avoid letting people below my waist. A was and has remained the only person I've gone down on, touched below the waist, the only one to go down on me and touch me below the waist... with the exception of D, a moment of panic for me that left me out of sorts for days afterwards. I have had some very careful sexual experiences but none involved going under clothes, everything was controlled as best as I could manage because the minute it goes further, it's like the walls start to close in and I panic.

This confusion, this panic, is what cost me the first person I actually wanted to sleep with (and by sleep I mean fuck until neither of us could walk), the most recent person I've dated. We are still friends and I hope always will be, but there is always going to be a wall there now. I've started reading alot and one thing I've realized about myself is one of the defenses I've built up because of the abuse I went through. I test people. It's not intentional, but it's like I have to prove to myself that it's ok that I don't go all the way with them, because they are just using me. By refusing and pushing away, when they back off, it gives me the "proof" I need to say that they didn't want anything but sex. This most recent person I was seeing ended all closeness outside of friendship in a letter, part of which said that he couldn't be close to me and not want to fuck me.

It was like the ultimate proof, even if that wasn't the way it was intended. It left me feeling very much like I'd been duped. I think even if I hadn't spent my whole life subconsciously looking for signs the people were using me, I'd have still been hurt and the abuse I went through only made it worse. I just wish he'd been able to be patient, to stand beside me while I healed, while I dealt with this instead of making sure that it would happen at a distance.

So that's that...

As for the future, I have to find a person of a psychological nature who is all of the following: queer friendly, not easily shocked, has the ability to write prescriptions (I would not be surprised if I ended up needing something to stabilize me enough to deal with my shit), lives in Vancouver or the surrounding area, has dealt with childhood abuse cases before and, also, is free.

Not asking much am I?

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Alone

I am dreaming...

In my dream, I am my True Self, the person I know myself to be, on the outside and inside. Androgeny is apparent in my willowy build, in the way I carry myself, not even my clothes betray a hint or a clue as to my identity. I smile inwardly as I walk down the street because in my dream I can hear the thoughts of those around me... what is it?... is that a man or a woman... I wish I looked like that... should I ask them out?... I want to laugh but I know I musn't, that it's more fun to leave them guessing, and after all, my voice is still so very feminine, even with the gentle husk of my alto tone.

I know no lover, no desire because such petty complications of friendship and caring are beneath this perfect state of no gender, no sexuality, no rules or labels. This is not to say that I know no love, because I have a gentle nuturing love for all those around me. I have reached, in this dream, a state of perfect love and understanding of humanity. Love that requires no intimacy as proof of devotion.

I spend my days wandering the streets, my nights wrapped in the arms of whoever I have discovered on the street that day, giving them not sex, but peace and safety in the embrace of someone who no longer feels the need for justification.

I wake up...

Steps to Become a Man

Step 1. Find yourself trapped in a woman's body

Step 2. Spend years and thousands in counselling, paying an educated quack to try to figure out what's wrong with you - when you already know.

Step 3. Get diagnosed with a "mental illness"

Step 4. Live as your true self while still wearing the woman's body, strapping your chest down and fighting the people who tell you that you can't use the men's washroom, shop in the men's department, even though you have been living as one.

Step 5. Begin taking weekly shots, suffering not only the indignity of having to "shoot up" every week, but the ache of reforming bones, the looks as the timbre of your voice changes, cracking and squeaking, skin covered in acne, though you're well past puberty.

Step 6. Wait a year until the shots become "dangerous to your health" so that they will perform the surgery to remove your reproductive organs, freeing you from the monthly reminder of your birth that may not have stopped with the shots.

Step 7. Scrimp and save, though it's harder for you to get a job these days, so that you can afford to finally remove that bind and have the deadly lumps removed. Hope that your skin is versitile and the scars that might betray you heal well.

Step 8. Spend months and money arguing with the government so that you can legally be the man you know you were born to be, officially removing the letter "F" from your legal documents and changing your name to that perfect one, the one you chose with love and care to be your own.

Step 9. Live.

There is a reason transmen are better men. If biological men had to fight this much, they'd be better men too.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

New

Things that are new this week:

A new "relationship"
Ok so it's not exactly new and it's not exactly a relationship, but it's a good thing, even if it's just being figured out right now. We're deciding on boundries and are in agreement on everything so far. He's trans so it's it's really important to him that he's not in anything committed until after his transition, which I fully understand. I've heard alot of people say that when they started to transition, their relationship failed. But it's good. I really like him, he's amazingly sweet and seems to genuinely care, which I'm still getting used to. I've had people pretend to care before (see: D) and it's taken some time to get back to where I can actually believe it.

A new job
Temporary, but it means that until the company I'm working for can find a new receptionist, I am officially working 68+ hours a week (this depends on whether or not I pick up Fridays. If so, it'll be 76 hours). And since they need to find someone with Simply Accounting, I may be here awhile (I looooove having a computer at work that I'm allowed to use during break time!)

A new blog
I've started a blog specifically for my dirty dirty writing. Lots of lesbians and vampires and bondage, so go check it out. I'll be starting to post sometime this week or next. Not from work obviously lol.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Pride and Prejudice...

I am proud because I have aquired a second, if temporary job, working as a secretary at a company that builds incredible homes. I am proud because my close friend is working a job that he loves and because he can walk taller at that job with the bind I gave him. I am proud of my friends that are deeply in love and planning to get engaged.

I am proud of myself for getting into my school of choice and not giving into the emotional pressure that begged me not to bother trying. I am proud of myself for being strong and standing up to the people that were hurting me, even if they turned against me in the end.

I am proud of the friends that have ignored the rumors and the lies and stood by me. I am proud of those who have showed they are true and ashamed that I was blinded by the false ones who so readily believe and spread hate about me.

I am tired of the prejudice against me because I spoke my mind against my roommate who sat around like a lump in my home for next to no rent, not working, not cleaning up after anything unless I got angry at her, while I worked so she could eat, so we had electricity and internet (which she used guiltlessly). I am tired of people thinking that I mistreated her when I, at the suggestion of a "friend" asked her to leave my home. I was wrong in telling her to get out before the end of the weekend, but she was abusing my trust and my home and I corrected my misdeeds by allowing her as long as she needed (which turned out to be nearly three months) to get her things out of my apartment.

I am tired of being judged on my mistakes and not the good deeds that I try to do. I am tired of having to keep my mouth shut when people start to badmouth my friends because I'm so worried about telling them that they are wrong, because my honesty has been my undoing.

I try to remember the good in my life. I have three people that I am seeing, not dating, just spending good playful time with, I am due to attend an amazing school in March to further my career in photography, and I will be capable of paying for the rest of my body modifications before I return to school.

But the bad... the hatred and the whispers, the accusation that I ruined the relationship of my two friends because we are having fun together (all three of us, no exclusions), my so called childhood friend making me into a villian who mistreats her when I am simply calling her out on her own bad behavior... it seems so much bigger. And I am afraid because I don't know how much longer I can fight it off.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Thinking...

I've been thinking. And life is pretty good right now. Or it's going to be. It's not so great right at this moment, but I can see the future and the future is a wonderful place. I can't wait to see where it takes me.

Right now my life is kind of chaotic. I have lots to do before I move this week, I'm working at a porn shop in a less than nice area of town, my family is being a tad on the difficult side and my friends are entrenched in drama - not as much as the last few months, but it's still there. To top it all off, the emergency prescription for... whatever anti anxiety med I was on... that they gave me in the E.R. a few months ago is running out.

But I'm going to be moving home and bill free soon. In March I start school at Vancouver Institute of Media Arts to learn digital photography. I've started spending time with a VERY hot couple and an equally gorgeous single that has been leading to some interesting situations. My show starts next month and I think I've really got a chance to make it great. I've got a local gym that I'll be able to go to daily if I want to and hopefully WILL be going to daily, I'm making good money which is great for future usage.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And it's brilliant, blinding... incredible.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

From the mouths of dykes...

On a quote from new book:

"Well that's pretty much what we said. 'Come over for dinner and movies' means the same thing as 'come over and I'll do terrible things to you' doesn't it?"

Cleaning...

I would like very much to have a magic wand so I might wave it around and have everything done please.

On top of everything I have left to do leading up to moving that the landlord requires (mainly vigorous scrubbing of all appliances and defrosting of fridge, vacuuming curtains etc.) I still have to:
clean the apartment
call the goodwill to haul away my ex boyfriend's furniture that he "gifted" to me so he didn't have to worry about it anymore
do half a zillion loads of dishes and laundry
send a bunch of furniture up to my sister
move the last remnants of it home
sort through dozens of boxes that never got sorted through before/after I moved because there was too much happening
decide when would be the least traumatic time to move my animals
figure out how to get blue hair dye courtesy of a ridiculous evening with Andrea and Robyn off of my bathroom ceiling (don't ask)
paint the second room at my mum's house
change the shower head and get mine installed in the bathroom at mum's house
talk John into letting me have the bathroom to myself
sort clothes into keep and give away piles
send clothes that are being given away to goodwill
make sure I haven't made any massive holes in the walls where I've hung art
if so, fix said holes
figure out how to hide the hole my rats chewed in the living room curtain or fix it

Oh and after I've moved everything and got myself settled... I have to pull off a drag show flawlessly mid September. And among all that I have to eat, sleep and work.
Gah.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Why didn't I think of this?

Despite that fact that I'm twenty years old and should have no apparent interest in the news, everyday I like to go to mytelus.com and check it out. Today, I had to share something, mainly because... it's insane!!!

Death row inmate Richard Cooey claims he's too fat to be executed

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

COLUMBUS, Ohio - A death row inmate scheduled for execution says he's too fat to be put to death, claiming executioners would have trouble finding his veins and that his weight could diminish the effectiveness of one of the lethal injection drugs.

Lawyers for Richard Cooey argue in a federal lawsuit that Cooey - five-foot-seven and 267 pounds - had poor veins when he faced execution five years ago and the problem has been worsened by weight gain.

The lawsuit, filed Friday in federal court, also says prison officials have had difficulty drawing blood from Cooey for medical procedures.

Cooey, 41, is sentenced to die for raping and murdering two young women in 1986. His execution is scheduled for Oct. 14.

Two years ago, convicted killer Jeffrey Lundgren was put to death after a federal appeals court rejected his claim that he was at greater risk of experiencing pain and suffering because he was overweight and diabetic.

Now, maybe it's just me, but maybe he should have thought of "pain and suffering" when he was, oh say, raping and killing those two university students? To be honest, even as someone who rallies against the death penalty, I'm beginning to think he deserves it on the grounds that he feels he deserves better than two girls who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. If you read the article, this guy has already had his execution delayed AND he's put on more weight since then! Hmmm... think there's a strategy here? Here's an idea. Put him on a diet and exercise regime! It's a prison, it's not like he can't be closely monitored to make sure he's not breaking the rules.

You can read the whole article here

It really just makes me sick that he's had the chance to put on weight when they know that it could cause problems. I have always felt that criminals are treated far too well and while I don't agree that they should be put to death, I also don't agree that they should get a free education (see Clifford Olsen and Charles Manson, both have earned degrees while in prison, on tax payer money) better food than I get, and the chance to get out so quickly. I don't believe people who murder should EVER be released and Canadian law is far too good to criminals.

That's just my thoughts...

Love and Kisses,

Andro Angel

Pride, Whoo!

Pride was awesome. I've got TONS of photos and I will be posting some once I get back from work.
Gah....
So don't want to work. Far too tired lol.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Alone, in pain and thoughtful...

My first note in this post is that ovaries... are evil. I'm serious now, they should be made illegal, exiled to some far away planet where they can never plague us with cramps and blood again. It's been a particularly hellish day, involving alot of pain and a (ever so slightly dramatic) phone call to my mother where I was pretty much convinced I was dying. It certainly felt that way, since I cannot recall any previous month since this horrid affliction took over my body (thank god I started later in life) that was quite this bad. So as one might suspect, I am thoroughly unimpressed with those nasty little organs and would like very much to have them removed please?

How much are ovaries going for on Ebay these days anyways?

Lying in pain, I couldn't help but start thinking. Alot of it has been about the people in my life and how they've affected me. Particularily my partners. I keep attracting the people who are more troubled than I am, and then, just when I start spending time with someone who isn't, I start to push them away. I'm sure that there's some perfectly wonderful definition for my prediciment, that there is a pyschologist out there waiting to tell me what I'm doing wrong... but in honesty, I can kind of figure it out.

I deserve to be alone. And those people... the normal ones who are so sweet, so caring... they deserve so much better than me. It has been no surprise when, one after another, the people I was coming to care about, the ones who, like me, didn't want a relationship... found one. Found a wonderful partner who treats them so well. I know what I'm like in a relationship and alot of it comes from years of depression. I am a physical person when I'm seeing someone, I have to know that they care about me and I need to see it in physical gestures. I need to be around someone as much as possible because - and I gave this advice to someone else before realizing it was exactly how I was seeing the world - I spent so many years seeing attention equal love. At least in my mind. Like my friend, I had an adopted sibling with special needs and she took up alot of my mother's time. I began to see attention as love, a twisted world view, but it has still left me with a strong desire for physical closeness in my relationships.

How does that relate to my previous relationships? Because the people who are like me, and worse in alot of ways, are willing to give that physical closeness, either because they think it will get them somewhere other than snuggles, or they have the same need I do. But it never lasts, too many issues in one relationship. And the normal folks... they can't give me what I need and they don't deserve the drama that I create when I don't get what I need.

I know this. So I should be able to fix it. Right?

I'm trying. I really am and I spend every day trying. But without that physical closeness, I end up feeling lost and empty and once again begin to deteriorate into nothingness... and it hurts. And I can't cope. The past few weeks I've fallen asleep in tears because I'm so tired of trying. It just seems like too much... like I'm fighting a losing battle because in the end...

I am alone. I am always alone. And maybe it's better that way.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Why So Serious?

My Jokers.

The first was created when I was just a year old and for nearly twenty years, Jack Nickelson was my Joker. Tim Burton created the world that I fell in love with as a child and continue to adore. And Jack Nickelson was a huge part of that. I'm not too prideful to admit that as a child I had a massive crush on his Joker, though I often mused that I wished he was younger. I have a thing for bad boys/girls, whatevers. Always have, always will. And the Joker epitomized the bad boys.

From his humble roots as a gangster playing right hand to a "tired old man", to the laughing mutated criminal mastermind that terrorized the imaginary city of Gotham throughout the single Batman movie he appeared in.

I loved Jack's Joker. He was a killer, but he was also a snappy dresser and just crazy enough to still be amusing. He was a smooth talker, and a bit of a pig to be honest. But everything he did, he did with class, he tried to be suave and always... always... with a smile on his face.

My favorite part of the Joker was his back story, specifically his murder of Bruce's parents, making them the creators of one another. I felt it really accounted for alot of why the Joker became the Batman's arch enemy and a leader in the industy of villianny. When he was killed off, I thought I was never going to see the Joker, my secret hero of the movie world, again.

And then the Batman franchise was reopened in Batman Begins and I had hope that I was going to see the Joker. Instead it was Doctor Crane, the Scarecrow who made his appearance. Just as I really was losing hope once more, those fateful lines "leaves it as a calling card" appeared with the image of the famous Joker playing card and I knew... he was coming back. As Harley Quinn said, "Puddin's coming home!"


And so we come to The Dark Knight where Heath Ledger comes along to play the Joker. See, now I'm torn because Heath Ledger's Joker... was truly Oscar worthy! Amazing, honestly, far beyond what I could have hoped for. He did the Joker justice in his own way. A little less dashing and a little more nitty-gritty, clothes a little more grunge than Armani. Yet somehow it was still THE Joker.

Twitching his way through his performance, Heath reminded us why he was such an incredible and versatile actor. To go from Patrick in Ten Things I Hate About You, to the happy-go-lucky Jacob Grimm, to a cowboy concerned about his own homosexual tendancies, to the Joker... nobody will forget him and nobody will forget this performance. Ledger fans around the globe who had never even heard of Batman (as difficult as that may sound) made sure to see his last finished project and I doubt that anybody has been disappointed. I am avoiding talking too much about the film in fear that I may spoil it for the masses who haven't seen it yet... but needless to say, it was worth it. So very very worth it.

We come to the question... which Joker was better? Neither. Because to compare Jack and Heath's performances would be like comparing classic cars. You just can't do it because they're so very differant and yet so incredible. I love both and so they both are my Jokers. The psychopaths that won my heart. The reason Harley Quinn is (next to Catwoman, of course) my favorite female character in the comic book world.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel aka Harley Quinn

RIP Heath Ledger 1979-2008
"Why so serious?"

Sins of the Flesh...

I'm loathe to speak of some of the things that happened yesterday and yet... overall it was such a good day, such a powerfully happy day, that I have to remind myself that there is good and bad and that we can't wipe out the bad or ignore it because without it, what would we have to compare the good to? Could we truly be happy if we didn't understand what sadness felt like?

Yesterday was DKV and Sin City, as well as my family lunch for my 20th birthday. I turned 20 on Friday, but Saturday was the day I had booked off, so all of my birthday events were tucked in there. I managed to con my mother and father into having lunch together with me, a bit of a feat considering they've been divorced since I was ten. But they get along well and at lunch I discovered just how well, because they had been conspiring to purchase me a laptop together as a birthday gift for some weeks now. However, because of VanArts' policy of giving laptops to all their photo students, I will most likely be recieving one in March when I go back to school. So instead, I ended up with a Nikon D60 digital SLR camera, 10.2 megapixals of sex! It has vibration reduction technology built into the lens which is wicked because my hands tend to shake during long shoots.

Afterwards my dad dropped me off at the skytrain and I headed out for a make-up session. This I won't talk about, because I don't believe in spreading negative crap around and I was stupid enough to talk about it in front of someone who told the artist that I wasn't happy with the work, as I was adjusting the make-up to better suite my purpose. I left from there to go to the DKV. I was a bit late, but I still made it in time to organize myself and get the prop work done as efficiently as last time. I are prop-manager extrodinaire! It was a blast and there were some great numbers. M's... I can't even begin to describe it. It was wonderful.

M and I headed out to Sin City post-DKV, as pre-planned, to enjoy their Seven Deadly Sins Seventh Anniversary party. I cheerfully pointed out to M that I would have been 13 when they started, to which he replied that I made him feel old. Pft. He's only five years older than me. Silly boy. There were some amazing burlesque numbers and lots of hot people dancing on the stage between sets. That's the only thing I regret, not grabbing one of the girls that we came with and dragging them on stage. I was thrilled to see R happy, probably one of the first times that I've seen them just let loose and enjoy themselves since I met them. It seems like L has been a good influence, in spite of the fact that I don't always agree with the things she does.

I'm sore from dancing so much, but I'm glad I did. I looked good and I felt good and for the first time in a long time... I didn't think so much. I didn't worry. I just let loose and enjoyed myself.

One of the most amusing parts of the evening? J and E making out, both ending up covered in fake blood. This is what happens when you decide to coat yourself in fake blood as part of your Sin City costume J! *snickers*. It wasn't a pairing I would have suspected, but it was entertaining nonetheless.

And no. I won't put full names because, as R cheerfully stated "What happens at Sin City... stays at Sin City!"

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Vancouver Institute of Media Arts

So I received the information package from VanArts, including the application for admission to the digital photography program, which is only available full-time. It is also going to cost me $22,900. It's a 12 month intensive program which means I may need to take a year off work which means I have to save my little tush off.

The bonus to this whole thing? I get a Free Laptop & Adobe CS3 (which I need to look up so I can find out if it's any good). I'm assuming this is so that all their students have the correct technology to take the course. It's a pretty spiffy deal, considering they are charging me, or more correctly, my mother, an arm and a leg to attend if I end up choosing VanArts as my school of choice.

There's 4 terms. Term 2 is enormous and rather intimidating looking and even if I don't take off a whole year should I decide to go to VanArts, I may take off work during second term so that I can focus on school.

During Term 4 you take a Small Business Management course while you are building your final portfolio, which I think is super spiffy. I am liking the look of Term 2, Photojournalism, Advanced Photoshop and Fine Art & Nude Photography are all covered during this term.

I'm not making any final decisions yet, but I like that I can start laying out my options with more clarity.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

The Good, The Bad, The Random

The good...
I went on a fabulous shopping trip on Monday and picked up a silk under bust corset, skirt and full length lace gloves from Deadly Couture, for Sin City on Saturday. The final bill? $250. What makes this even more fabulous? I STILL don't have to borrow money from my mother for next month's bills! The corset is incredible and what's more, if I find that it's not doing it's job well, I can have all the boning ripped out and replaced with sturdier steel for a measly $30. And when it closes in the back with ease (apart from meaning I have achieved a waspy 28 inch waist) I have one free fitting to make it fit my new skinnier self. Am extremely excited to be hitting Sin City on Saturday as Vanity *purrs happily*

The bad...
I have been functioning on the bare minimum of sleep for the past few days. Yesterday I got three hours before heading to work. I didn't think I was going to get any, so I'm somewhat pleased. However, my body functions in a certain way and the lack of sleep over the past week (less than three hours average a night) has got me nauseous - which means I can't sleep right now because I can never sleep when I get nauseous . Am completely unimpressed and feeling a bit pouty.

The random...
At least I have Blood Ties (my new vampire related obsession) and Savage Love articles to keep me distracted from said nausea. And I'm turning twenty in two days.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Schools...

Emily Carr:
Photography Major
Photography offers a strong emphasis on conceptual, technical and historical knowledge, preparing students to become innovative photographers within contemporary culture. Curriculum covers a wide range of cameras, black and white and colour processes, archival fine art printing, digital output, installations, and projected imagery.

Langara College:
Photography Certificate Program
The Photography Certificate Program is one of the largest, most comprehensive part-time study programs in commercial photography in Canada. It is designed for those interested in pursuing a career in commercial photography, photojournalism, portraiture or fine art. This program places equal emphasis on applied technical, artistic and stylistic issues.

Students entering basic level courses in this program do not need any previous training or experience in photography. Students must have their own 35mm or digital SLR camera and a sturdy tripod. An assortment of lenses is not necessary but is an advantage. Students with previous training or experience may challenge courses up to Practical Lighting through a portfolio showing with the Program Coordinator.

Our instructors represent some of the top individuals in the commercial and fine art fields of photography. These working professionals ensure that students learn the most up-to-date techniques and acquire a realistic perspective of the commercial and fine art photographic industries, including the ethics and politics of the industry.

Langara College facilities include three fully equipped studios, 13 fully equipped colour and black & white darkrooms, colour and black & white dry-to-dry print processors, a large wet processing area, a large print finishing and mounting room and two well-equipped Mac labs for digital imagery.

Focal Point:
Photography is undeniably the most popular and influential form of visual art media and is used by an extremely diverse range of people as the most effective way of communicating their message to the world. Each student is invited to expand their sense of visual awareness, unleash creativity, and produce images that they will be proud to put in a portfolio, exhibit, or sell to a prospective client.

The design of our full time diploma program guides students planning to become professional photographers. We are proud of the depth and breadth of our program content. The curriculum uses studio, location, darkroom, and digital imaging assignments to help students hone their technical mastery and explore their creative ambitions in the dynamic medium of photography. Maintaining our high standards, all of the courses at Focal Point are taught by working professionals who tap from their experience and on-the-job knowledge to educate students on how to get the most out of their cameras. Class sizes are often at a 12 student maximum and the mixture of classroom, field trip, and workshops offer students a low teacher/student ratio and ensures an excellent education.

We at Focal Point are excited to provide the means for individuals to begin careers and immerse themselves in the inspirational and ever-changing world of professional photography.

VanArts:
Digital Photography
Photography is much more than just taking a picture! It has been referenced as one of the most influential forms of visual media. In recent years, the rapid development of digital technology has revolutionized the photographic industry. The VanArts Digital Photography one-year, full-time diploma program is designed to prepare students to master the artistic, technical and business practices for all areas of the professional photography industry - consumer, commercial, stock and fine art.

Our program is the first of its kind in North America to focus on digital technologies and offer both practical photography experience and specific business development tools. Students use top of line lighting equipment in a professional studio environment, are provided their own laptop computer, and are trained by experienced working professionals.

You graduate with:

• a diploma
• a professional portfolio
• own website and business plan
• proficiency in photographing, lighting, photo editing and full digital workflow
• industry contacts

Objectionable Bloggage...

So I actually READ the disclaimer I agreed to have put on my blog, this morning as I was pondering going to sleep. I am honest enough with myself to realize that some of my thoughts and daily happenings might just happen to be in the 18+ category of readership. But this is just entertaining. How terribly PC of Blogger:

"Some readers may find the content of this blog objectionable. In general, Google does not review nor do we endorse the content of this or any blog. For more information about our content policies, please visit the Blogger Terms of Service"

I love it. My blog is "objectionable". Do I get a cookie?

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel.

Molly...

Every Tuesday on my way to work on Granville St, my route takes me past Molly. Molly, for those of you who either don't live in Vancouver, or don't do much walking on Granville St. is a homeless woman that posts herself on the corner of Granville St and... whatever street it is that London Drugs is on. In front of the London Drugs, she sits with her sign:

"Homeless and Hungry. Please help.
Love, Molly"

And so once a week I head past her, giving her slightly more than the nervous look that most of the homeless in Vancouver get from me. Homeless people are nothing new to me, and for that very reason, I don't give them money. For that same reason, I don't give Molly money. But something in my heart aches whenever I see her. That could be my sister, or my cousin, or my friend, sitting there on Granville St. She has long dark hair that reminds me of my step-mother, a round face so much like mine it's scary. That could be me... I don't know what she's been through, but any set of situations could have put me in that same place, praying every day that someone will care.

I remember one day, Molly wasn't there when I walked past. Her sign lay in the same spot it has for all the time I've been walking on Granville. But she had vanished. Worry sprang in my mind, what could have happened, was she alright, had someone hurt her? I cared.

Today I had to go pick up my phone charger because I left it at the store. I got McDonalds on the way back and didn't finish more than half of it. I decided to hang onto my food, give it out to someone who needed it. Walking back past her, I realized that I had saved it for her. I can say what I want, but that saved food was for her from the time I closed the box. Some part of me cares about her, and is rooting for her to get her life together. She was hunched over, shaking, when I gave her the food, likely high on something from her behavior. But I didn't feel any different about it.

Every Tuesday I walk past Molly and I am reminded of how good I have it. And I am thankful.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Thoughts...

In seven days, I will be twenty years old...

I'm not nearly ready to be twenty...

My GED prep book weighs more than my suitcase when it's full of shoes...

I don't want to get my ECE or any other silly degrees...

I want to go to art school...

I think I have been in love for a long time and am only just coming to realize it...

My new piercing is sore...

I don't know the meaning of life...

I desperately need a new computer... but I want a ferret...

I'm finding it harder and harder to justify my friends and their behavior...

I wonder what it would be like to be a hermit...

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

The Cat

Running, racing, writhing
Through the windswept woods
Freedom burning through my
Taut limbs, coursing
As I fly past the trees

I wake, startled to reality
Tears stinging my cheeks
As the scent of the forest fades
My heart aching with longing
To dash, unrestrained.

But I am not the creature
That runs in my dreams
No feline gazes from the mirror
Bound to this mortal body
I run only in my dreams.

So I close my eyes
And sleep...

Lost... Loved....

I feel unbearably alone these days, wandering a confusing and frightening path in this world, tangled with the strangeness of my friends and their battles against each other. I struggle to remain neutral, remain silent, to avoid being drawn into their fights.

Yet I feel a traitor for not speaking up when someone I know is innocent, is being falsely accused. I just don't want to create conflict, I'd rather avoid it at all costs, a trait that is beginning to turn me into a doormat. But I do feel like a traitor and I wish I could get up the courage to look a friend in the eye and tell them that they are wrong.

In related thoughts...

I'm terribly sick of people telling me that I'm not over D. I am VERY over D. They think I miss him, I thought I missed him. But we were all wrong. What I miss, what I long for is physical closeness, which is why I'm so easy to get close to. I love having someone in the bed next to me, climbing into a shower together. All the comforting acts that have nothing to do with sex. But I do not miss D. I really thought I did, even thought I might still love him. But I don't. Recently I have come to realize that I have finally gotten over him. It was an unhealthy relationship and I am better for being free of it.

I don't need him anymore. I don't love him. I am finally content just to be me. I think, at last... I'm learning to love myself. And it's a good feeling.

Love and Kisses
Andro Angel

Look at that girl...

Alright, so yesterday I had a photo shoot with fellow genderqueer and truly FABULOUS makeup artist, Scott Hurr. We traipsed around downtown, cheerfully traumatizing the passersby through a several hour long shoot that involved five separate locations and four costume changes. I got to frolic in Scott's lolita costume against an ivy backdrop, play wood nymph in my gorgeous gold and black medieval gown, and flirt in a alleyway school girl shoot. The first location was a bit awkward - I was in pants and I just never do well shooting in pants unless they are hot and sexy and made of leather.

But the second, dressed in a puffy lolita dress and blouse, swinging my japanese parasol around went magnificently and turned out the best set of the whole shoot. I had a blast and have even been loaned the dress for future play. We got some wicked shots of the boots Scott loaned me (on loan/stolen from another friend) and I just genuinely enjoyed myself. We used the same outfit for the third location, a rundown looking garage office and car where we got some fun retro looking shots.

For the fourth location we decided hit up Chinatown and shot around a fountain/parky type area just off the Skytrain. I got to play wood nymph and bounce around in my barefeet which I love and have not been able to do nearly enough since I moved out of my small and ridiculously clean town. We dragged the same costume down a massive flight of stairs to a little alley beneath, the fifth and last location where we did some "Jack the Ripper" inspired shots and then switched costumes, marched to the opposite end of the alley to play school girl. The last location didn't turn out as well - it was getting darker and without the flash, which tended to cause red-eye issues and funny looking skin, the photos were pretty blurred.

I had a blast though and got alot of random compliments during the shots at the fourth location, both on the dress and Scott's amazing make up work. Of course, I also got compared to a star trek character because of the way they curved my eyebrows up and dotted above them, for effect. They are one of my favorite make up artists to work with because of little things like that, it's just way too much fun wearing extreme make up like that and then going out in public. The photos are up on facebook and I have, as you see, posted small sampling of them here for viewer pleasure.

Cause I looked so hot yesterday, you all must see it ^.^

Love and Kisses
Andro Angel

In the beginning there was darkness...

So in an attempt to maximize exposure and try and become an honest and true blogger, I have dragged my hesitant blog from the safe confines of livejournal and joined up with blogspot. This has come with much humming and hawing, as I have been a loyal livejournal girl for many years. But change appears to be a necessary evil.

So here it goes...

I am a twenty year old fetish model and photographer. I also delve into fashion and sci-fi/fantasy shoots, as flexibility is always a good idea. At the moment I work mostly in the "amateur" grouping, helping friends build their portfolios and doing small privately owned websites. I occasionally work as a webcam girl for IMLive, although it's been many months since I managed to get online and do any work. My main job (the one that pays the bills) is as a clerk in an adult video store. I work graveyards so there will most likely be many many random posts involving the ins and outs of that job, as well as the strange people that have come in to chat.

Writing is a passion of mine. My first work is due to be published some time next year in an anthology of prose-type true stories by the friends, family and significant others of transsexuals, written about my ex-partner who is an FTM transexual - I may or may not post it here, I am removing it from my livejournal at least until it is published. I write with relative frequency. What started out as a hobby, something to vent and let everything out, appears to actually have a great deal of potential as a career.

While most of my work deals in prose and chatter about my day to day, I will occasionally brave posting my poetry online, for honest critique - I can't be as good as I think I am, and thus need my ego to be dragged down occasionally by friendly "wtf is this shit?" type comments.

Anyways, that's all for this post. Stay tuned for some chatter on my most recent photo shoot with photographer/make-up artist Scott Hurr.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel