Trust Me This Is Love
I look at this mountain
So many heart aches wide
And I can't help but wonder
Where's the other side
I've got to be honest
I've got my doubts
These tears are asking me
What's this got to do with love?
Baby, I'll tell you something
To help us through this long, dark night
[Chorus]
When this trouble passes over
You and I will walk away
Knowing that our love survived
Another test of faith
You and I can walk on water
The river rises, we rise above
It may not look that way right now
But trust me, baby....this is love.
Love isn't easy
I'm torn, I confess
when a heart is uncertain
It's bound to second guess
This love won't forsake us
So dry your tears I promise you
Chorus
I'm here for you baby
There's nothing I want more
Our day is coming
And we'll reach that peaceful shore
Chorus
When this trouble passes over
You and I will walk away
Knowing that our love survived
Another test of faith
Cause you and I can walk on water
The river rises, we rise above
It may not look that was right now
But trust me, baby...this is love
One more mountain
Hey...so what
Trust me baby...this is love
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
I make my mother cry...
A piece from my written journal...
Something about this world
Seems a little bit... off
Like it doesn't quite fit me
Like I don't quite belong
And I can't help but wonder
If some higher power
Made a mistake placing me
In this dark unhappy place
Because it seems wrong
That in order to cope
With a life not right
I must be medicated
Dose me up on pretty pills
To battle what genetics left
Rattling around in this
Far too busy brain.
Something about this world
Seems a little bit... off
Like it doesn't quite fit me
Like I don't quite belong
And I can't help but wonder
If some higher power
Made a mistake placing me
In this dark unhappy place
Because it seems wrong
That in order to cope
With a life not right
I must be medicated
Dose me up on pretty pills
To battle what genetics left
Rattling around in this
Far too busy brain.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Missing them...
Almost two years ago now I dated a couple in Chilliwack that opened my eyes to a whole other world, to everything I'd been missing out on in the BDSM community (it's hard to believe I've been in and out of it for that long) though I'd been into it for years before that.
Lately I've been missing them something fierce. Katt helped me see that there was no shame in depression, in feeling like something was wrong and asking for help. Though it's only been recently that I have, in fact, reached out for help, if I had never met her I may never have bothered. Seeing the support she had from Wolfe was inspiring and I thought if I could find someone like that, I'd be able to make it through the damaging lifestyle that my depression was causing.
Today I'm having a bad day. Just emotionally and for no particular reason. I've made the decision to return to school next week - I was considoring quitting and it was a scary decision to make. I just feel... bad. I want to sleep all day but I know that if I'm returning to school on Monday I need to get into a normal sleep schedule. Or at least semi-normal. And I have no appetite today, though I know I SHOULD eat. I want to curl up and hide from the world today and it's taking a great amount of will not to do just that. I barely slept last night as usual and am wishing that one of the sleeping pills at the hospital had caused SOME sort of effect other than sleeplessness.
Won't someone save me from this pit?
Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel
Lately I've been missing them something fierce. Katt helped me see that there was no shame in depression, in feeling like something was wrong and asking for help. Though it's only been recently that I have, in fact, reached out for help, if I had never met her I may never have bothered. Seeing the support she had from Wolfe was inspiring and I thought if I could find someone like that, I'd be able to make it through the damaging lifestyle that my depression was causing.
Today I'm having a bad day. Just emotionally and for no particular reason. I've made the decision to return to school next week - I was considoring quitting and it was a scary decision to make. I just feel... bad. I want to sleep all day but I know that if I'm returning to school on Monday I need to get into a normal sleep schedule. Or at least semi-normal. And I have no appetite today, though I know I SHOULD eat. I want to curl up and hide from the world today and it's taking a great amount of will not to do just that. I barely slept last night as usual and am wishing that one of the sleeping pills at the hospital had caused SOME sort of effect other than sleeplessness.
Won't someone save me from this pit?
Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Psych Ward
I spent my first stint in a psych ward last week. And after ten years of fighting against it, I was put on medication for what the Doctor diagnosed as clinical depression and anxiety. I have Ativan to be taken as needed for my anxiety and I'm on a daily dose of Celexa (citalopram). The Doctor and most of my nurses were surprised I'd stayed out of the system as long as I have, I've been struggling so long and I was in such bad shape by the time I made it into emergancy.
The psych ward was... interesting. I was emergancy for two and a half days before they moved me over to the ward and they kept forgetting about me - I didn't get any of my meals on time at all the first day I was in (Sunday the 17th). They moved me from 10mg to 20mg of Celexa on the third day, the same day they moved me over to the ward and I slept most of the day and woke up with tremors and no appetite - two rather rare side-effects of Celexa. The tremors have mellowed since, but I still have little to no appetite - I get hungry, but can't bring myself to eat. It's very weird. I'm used to overeating ALL the time; that and a lack of sleep were some of the side-effects of my depression.
Vegetarian food in the hospital is pretty nasty, which didn't help the loss of appetite that the Celexa has caused. Although the butterscotch pudding was really good - I'm pretty sure they were using the standard Jello brand, going to buy some when Mum and I have money again.
Unfortunately the day I came home, we found out our house had been broken into either the night before or that morning and all my camera equipment, my laptop, tablet, everything, had been stolen. I feel like the theif stripped away all my purpose and I'm left feeling rather raw and destroyed.
Right now I'm just trying to settle back in and figure out where things go from here.
Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel
The psych ward was... interesting. I was emergancy for two and a half days before they moved me over to the ward and they kept forgetting about me - I didn't get any of my meals on time at all the first day I was in (Sunday the 17th). They moved me from 10mg to 20mg of Celexa on the third day, the same day they moved me over to the ward and I slept most of the day and woke up with tremors and no appetite - two rather rare side-effects of Celexa. The tremors have mellowed since, but I still have little to no appetite - I get hungry, but can't bring myself to eat. It's very weird. I'm used to overeating ALL the time; that and a lack of sleep were some of the side-effects of my depression.
Vegetarian food in the hospital is pretty nasty, which didn't help the loss of appetite that the Celexa has caused. Although the butterscotch pudding was really good - I'm pretty sure they were using the standard Jello brand, going to buy some when Mum and I have money again.
Unfortunately the day I came home, we found out our house had been broken into either the night before or that morning and all my camera equipment, my laptop, tablet, everything, had been stolen. I feel like the theif stripped away all my purpose and I'm left feeling rather raw and destroyed.
Right now I'm just trying to settle back in and figure out where things go from here.
Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel
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