Prospects...

So I may or may not have found an apartment for the 1st of December (instead of January which was my hope). I sent an email for a place on Commercial Drive, $415 a month. Utilities not included, but I'm a master at keeping my bills small. And for $415 a month, I could have $100 utility bills and still be good to go.

Here's hoping. It looks like a great little place *crosses fingers*

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Lurking...

I feel like I haven't been living in this world, so much as lurking in it, watching everybody else live their life while not really living my own. I cried myself to sleep last night because I feel so damn lost, I've spent so much time lately feeling so damn lost. I'm going to school in March and I've come to the realization that I cannot live with my mother while I do so. Not because of her so much, but because of him. My stepfather isn't the most tolerant of people (bigoted supremest homophobic asshole would be accurate) and I cannot live in a house where everything I am, everything I believe in is torn down and stomped on.

So the great apartment hunt of 2008 begins. Somewhere I can live until I finish school and beyond, preferably somewhere cheap! In the DTES because it's the most affordable place close to my school where I won't be confined to a single room sharing a house with people (I have too much stuff, haha) Pet friendly so I don't have to get rid of my rats. I want to stay within Zone 1 on the skytrain because I really won't be able to afford three zone tickets living on my own >.< It's all a matter of figuring things out and I hope I can. I'm sick of all this drama and I loved living on my own.

School starts in March, t-minus 108 days and counting!

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Why do we keep doing this?

So I need to get something off of my chest and hoping that someone reads this far into the godforsaken depths of the blog world and that they'll dispense some advice.

Five years ago I met someone who changed things. Tipped the balance in my life and altered it. Permanently. He recognized what I was, gave a name to the darker pleasures, the things that bring me pleasure. Opened up my eyes to a whole other world. The main issue is that he was with someone I was very good friends with. For three years we spent time as friends, careful. Too careful. Then he dropped out of my life. I don't know if it was because it was as hard for him as it was for me... or if the little things just took over. I was living on my own not long out of high school, he was with his girlfriend all the time... pardon me, fiance. All I know is that we weren't around each other much anymore.

Not long ago we started talking again. And tonight... we went for a walk. I met him at my old elementary school and he kissed me. This wouldn't be so shocking except that the closest we've ever come to kissing was one brief passing of a glow-stick mouth to mouth, Halloween 2003. I went for a hug and he grasped my chin and kissed me. And damn it if it wasn't everything I've hoped for these last five years. Something inside me woke up, something that felt like it had died almost a year ago when D left me. Suddenly, all over again, I'm longing for him. And that's wrong. His fiance was one of my closest friends in high school and just because we don't see each other anymore doesn't mean I should let this happen.

But every time I'm around him it matters less and less and my moral compass seems skewed, like it's trying to point a different direction. I want to hang onto my morals... but they were nearly crushed tonight under the weight of his lips and I don't know that they'll take much more pressure before they snap. Before I snap.

Help?

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Right There, Like That (poem)

I feel your hand in my hair
My thoughts like a prayer
Would you pull, just there
Play fair...

Hands round my wrists
And you think I can resist
When you push down like this
Your kiss...

The bite and the slice
Of the blade of the knife
Removes all the strife
My life...

All the things they say
Should make me depraved
The darkest of play
Fly away...

I feel your hand in my hair
Play fair...
Hands round my wrists
Your kiss...

The bite and the slice
My life...
All the things they say
Fly away...