Alone, in pain and thoughtful...

My first note in this post is that ovaries... are evil. I'm serious now, they should be made illegal, exiled to some far away planet where they can never plague us with cramps and blood again. It's been a particularly hellish day, involving alot of pain and a (ever so slightly dramatic) phone call to my mother where I was pretty much convinced I was dying. It certainly felt that way, since I cannot recall any previous month since this horrid affliction took over my body (thank god I started later in life) that was quite this bad. So as one might suspect, I am thoroughly unimpressed with those nasty little organs and would like very much to have them removed please?

How much are ovaries going for on Ebay these days anyways?

Lying in pain, I couldn't help but start thinking. Alot of it has been about the people in my life and how they've affected me. Particularily my partners. I keep attracting the people who are more troubled than I am, and then, just when I start spending time with someone who isn't, I start to push them away. I'm sure that there's some perfectly wonderful definition for my prediciment, that there is a pyschologist out there waiting to tell me what I'm doing wrong... but in honesty, I can kind of figure it out.

I deserve to be alone. And those people... the normal ones who are so sweet, so caring... they deserve so much better than me. It has been no surprise when, one after another, the people I was coming to care about, the ones who, like me, didn't want a relationship... found one. Found a wonderful partner who treats them so well. I know what I'm like in a relationship and alot of it comes from years of depression. I am a physical person when I'm seeing someone, I have to know that they care about me and I need to see it in physical gestures. I need to be around someone as much as possible because - and I gave this advice to someone else before realizing it was exactly how I was seeing the world - I spent so many years seeing attention equal love. At least in my mind. Like my friend, I had an adopted sibling with special needs and she took up alot of my mother's time. I began to see attention as love, a twisted world view, but it has still left me with a strong desire for physical closeness in my relationships.

How does that relate to my previous relationships? Because the people who are like me, and worse in alot of ways, are willing to give that physical closeness, either because they think it will get them somewhere other than snuggles, or they have the same need I do. But it never lasts, too many issues in one relationship. And the normal folks... they can't give me what I need and they don't deserve the drama that I create when I don't get what I need.

I know this. So I should be able to fix it. Right?

I'm trying. I really am and I spend every day trying. But without that physical closeness, I end up feeling lost and empty and once again begin to deteriorate into nothingness... and it hurts. And I can't cope. The past few weeks I've fallen asleep in tears because I'm so tired of trying. It just seems like too much... like I'm fighting a losing battle because in the end...

I am alone. I am always alone. And maybe it's better that way.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Why So Serious?

My Jokers.

The first was created when I was just a year old and for nearly twenty years, Jack Nickelson was my Joker. Tim Burton created the world that I fell in love with as a child and continue to adore. And Jack Nickelson was a huge part of that. I'm not too prideful to admit that as a child I had a massive crush on his Joker, though I often mused that I wished he was younger. I have a thing for bad boys/girls, whatevers. Always have, always will. And the Joker epitomized the bad boys.

From his humble roots as a gangster playing right hand to a "tired old man", to the laughing mutated criminal mastermind that terrorized the imaginary city of Gotham throughout the single Batman movie he appeared in.

I loved Jack's Joker. He was a killer, but he was also a snappy dresser and just crazy enough to still be amusing. He was a smooth talker, and a bit of a pig to be honest. But everything he did, he did with class, he tried to be suave and always... always... with a smile on his face.

My favorite part of the Joker was his back story, specifically his murder of Bruce's parents, making them the creators of one another. I felt it really accounted for alot of why the Joker became the Batman's arch enemy and a leader in the industy of villianny. When he was killed off, I thought I was never going to see the Joker, my secret hero of the movie world, again.

And then the Batman franchise was reopened in Batman Begins and I had hope that I was going to see the Joker. Instead it was Doctor Crane, the Scarecrow who made his appearance. Just as I really was losing hope once more, those fateful lines "leaves it as a calling card" appeared with the image of the famous Joker playing card and I knew... he was coming back. As Harley Quinn said, "Puddin's coming home!"


And so we come to The Dark Knight where Heath Ledger comes along to play the Joker. See, now I'm torn because Heath Ledger's Joker... was truly Oscar worthy! Amazing, honestly, far beyond what I could have hoped for. He did the Joker justice in his own way. A little less dashing and a little more nitty-gritty, clothes a little more grunge than Armani. Yet somehow it was still THE Joker.

Twitching his way through his performance, Heath reminded us why he was such an incredible and versatile actor. To go from Patrick in Ten Things I Hate About You, to the happy-go-lucky Jacob Grimm, to a cowboy concerned about his own homosexual tendancies, to the Joker... nobody will forget him and nobody will forget this performance. Ledger fans around the globe who had never even heard of Batman (as difficult as that may sound) made sure to see his last finished project and I doubt that anybody has been disappointed. I am avoiding talking too much about the film in fear that I may spoil it for the masses who haven't seen it yet... but needless to say, it was worth it. So very very worth it.

We come to the question... which Joker was better? Neither. Because to compare Jack and Heath's performances would be like comparing classic cars. You just can't do it because they're so very differant and yet so incredible. I love both and so they both are my Jokers. The psychopaths that won my heart. The reason Harley Quinn is (next to Catwoman, of course) my favorite female character in the comic book world.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel aka Harley Quinn

RIP Heath Ledger 1979-2008
"Why so serious?"

Sins of the Flesh...

I'm loathe to speak of some of the things that happened yesterday and yet... overall it was such a good day, such a powerfully happy day, that I have to remind myself that there is good and bad and that we can't wipe out the bad or ignore it because without it, what would we have to compare the good to? Could we truly be happy if we didn't understand what sadness felt like?

Yesterday was DKV and Sin City, as well as my family lunch for my 20th birthday. I turned 20 on Friday, but Saturday was the day I had booked off, so all of my birthday events were tucked in there. I managed to con my mother and father into having lunch together with me, a bit of a feat considering they've been divorced since I was ten. But they get along well and at lunch I discovered just how well, because they had been conspiring to purchase me a laptop together as a birthday gift for some weeks now. However, because of VanArts' policy of giving laptops to all their photo students, I will most likely be recieving one in March when I go back to school. So instead, I ended up with a Nikon D60 digital SLR camera, 10.2 megapixals of sex! It has vibration reduction technology built into the lens which is wicked because my hands tend to shake during long shoots.

Afterwards my dad dropped me off at the skytrain and I headed out for a make-up session. This I won't talk about, because I don't believe in spreading negative crap around and I was stupid enough to talk about it in front of someone who told the artist that I wasn't happy with the work, as I was adjusting the make-up to better suite my purpose. I left from there to go to the DKV. I was a bit late, but I still made it in time to organize myself and get the prop work done as efficiently as last time. I are prop-manager extrodinaire! It was a blast and there were some great numbers. M's... I can't even begin to describe it. It was wonderful.

M and I headed out to Sin City post-DKV, as pre-planned, to enjoy their Seven Deadly Sins Seventh Anniversary party. I cheerfully pointed out to M that I would have been 13 when they started, to which he replied that I made him feel old. Pft. He's only five years older than me. Silly boy. There were some amazing burlesque numbers and lots of hot people dancing on the stage between sets. That's the only thing I regret, not grabbing one of the girls that we came with and dragging them on stage. I was thrilled to see R happy, probably one of the first times that I've seen them just let loose and enjoy themselves since I met them. It seems like L has been a good influence, in spite of the fact that I don't always agree with the things she does.

I'm sore from dancing so much, but I'm glad I did. I looked good and I felt good and for the first time in a long time... I didn't think so much. I didn't worry. I just let loose and enjoyed myself.

One of the most amusing parts of the evening? J and E making out, both ending up covered in fake blood. This is what happens when you decide to coat yourself in fake blood as part of your Sin City costume J! *snickers*. It wasn't a pairing I would have suspected, but it was entertaining nonetheless.

And no. I won't put full names because, as R cheerfully stated "What happens at Sin City... stays at Sin City!"

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Vancouver Institute of Media Arts

So I received the information package from VanArts, including the application for admission to the digital photography program, which is only available full-time. It is also going to cost me $22,900. It's a 12 month intensive program which means I may need to take a year off work which means I have to save my little tush off.

The bonus to this whole thing? I get a Free Laptop & Adobe CS3 (which I need to look up so I can find out if it's any good). I'm assuming this is so that all their students have the correct technology to take the course. It's a pretty spiffy deal, considering they are charging me, or more correctly, my mother, an arm and a leg to attend if I end up choosing VanArts as my school of choice.

There's 4 terms. Term 2 is enormous and rather intimidating looking and even if I don't take off a whole year should I decide to go to VanArts, I may take off work during second term so that I can focus on school.

During Term 4 you take a Small Business Management course while you are building your final portfolio, which I think is super spiffy. I am liking the look of Term 2, Photojournalism, Advanced Photoshop and Fine Art & Nude Photography are all covered during this term.

I'm not making any final decisions yet, but I like that I can start laying out my options with more clarity.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

The Good, The Bad, The Random

The good...
I went on a fabulous shopping trip on Monday and picked up a silk under bust corset, skirt and full length lace gloves from Deadly Couture, for Sin City on Saturday. The final bill? $250. What makes this even more fabulous? I STILL don't have to borrow money from my mother for next month's bills! The corset is incredible and what's more, if I find that it's not doing it's job well, I can have all the boning ripped out and replaced with sturdier steel for a measly $30. And when it closes in the back with ease (apart from meaning I have achieved a waspy 28 inch waist) I have one free fitting to make it fit my new skinnier self. Am extremely excited to be hitting Sin City on Saturday as Vanity *purrs happily*

The bad...
I have been functioning on the bare minimum of sleep for the past few days. Yesterday I got three hours before heading to work. I didn't think I was going to get any, so I'm somewhat pleased. However, my body functions in a certain way and the lack of sleep over the past week (less than three hours average a night) has got me nauseous - which means I can't sleep right now because I can never sleep when I get nauseous . Am completely unimpressed and feeling a bit pouty.

The random...
At least I have Blood Ties (my new vampire related obsession) and Savage Love articles to keep me distracted from said nausea. And I'm turning twenty in two days.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Schools...

Emily Carr:
Photography Major
Photography offers a strong emphasis on conceptual, technical and historical knowledge, preparing students to become innovative photographers within contemporary culture. Curriculum covers a wide range of cameras, black and white and colour processes, archival fine art printing, digital output, installations, and projected imagery.

Langara College:
Photography Certificate Program
The Photography Certificate Program is one of the largest, most comprehensive part-time study programs in commercial photography in Canada. It is designed for those interested in pursuing a career in commercial photography, photojournalism, portraiture or fine art. This program places equal emphasis on applied technical, artistic and stylistic issues.

Students entering basic level courses in this program do not need any previous training or experience in photography. Students must have their own 35mm or digital SLR camera and a sturdy tripod. An assortment of lenses is not necessary but is an advantage. Students with previous training or experience may challenge courses up to Practical Lighting through a portfolio showing with the Program Coordinator.

Our instructors represent some of the top individuals in the commercial and fine art fields of photography. These working professionals ensure that students learn the most up-to-date techniques and acquire a realistic perspective of the commercial and fine art photographic industries, including the ethics and politics of the industry.

Langara College facilities include three fully equipped studios, 13 fully equipped colour and black & white darkrooms, colour and black & white dry-to-dry print processors, a large wet processing area, a large print finishing and mounting room and two well-equipped Mac labs for digital imagery.

Focal Point:
Photography is undeniably the most popular and influential form of visual art media and is used by an extremely diverse range of people as the most effective way of communicating their message to the world. Each student is invited to expand their sense of visual awareness, unleash creativity, and produce images that they will be proud to put in a portfolio, exhibit, or sell to a prospective client.

The design of our full time diploma program guides students planning to become professional photographers. We are proud of the depth and breadth of our program content. The curriculum uses studio, location, darkroom, and digital imaging assignments to help students hone their technical mastery and explore their creative ambitions in the dynamic medium of photography. Maintaining our high standards, all of the courses at Focal Point are taught by working professionals who tap from their experience and on-the-job knowledge to educate students on how to get the most out of their cameras. Class sizes are often at a 12 student maximum and the mixture of classroom, field trip, and workshops offer students a low teacher/student ratio and ensures an excellent education.

We at Focal Point are excited to provide the means for individuals to begin careers and immerse themselves in the inspirational and ever-changing world of professional photography.

VanArts:
Digital Photography
Photography is much more than just taking a picture! It has been referenced as one of the most influential forms of visual media. In recent years, the rapid development of digital technology has revolutionized the photographic industry. The VanArts Digital Photography one-year, full-time diploma program is designed to prepare students to master the artistic, technical and business practices for all areas of the professional photography industry - consumer, commercial, stock and fine art.

Our program is the first of its kind in North America to focus on digital technologies and offer both practical photography experience and specific business development tools. Students use top of line lighting equipment in a professional studio environment, are provided their own laptop computer, and are trained by experienced working professionals.

You graduate with:

• a diploma
• a professional portfolio
• own website and business plan
• proficiency in photographing, lighting, photo editing and full digital workflow
• industry contacts

Objectionable Bloggage...

So I actually READ the disclaimer I agreed to have put on my blog, this morning as I was pondering going to sleep. I am honest enough with myself to realize that some of my thoughts and daily happenings might just happen to be in the 18+ category of readership. But this is just entertaining. How terribly PC of Blogger:

"Some readers may find the content of this blog objectionable. In general, Google does not review nor do we endorse the content of this or any blog. For more information about our content policies, please visit the Blogger Terms of Service"

I love it. My blog is "objectionable". Do I get a cookie?

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel.

Molly...

Every Tuesday on my way to work on Granville St, my route takes me past Molly. Molly, for those of you who either don't live in Vancouver, or don't do much walking on Granville St. is a homeless woman that posts herself on the corner of Granville St and... whatever street it is that London Drugs is on. In front of the London Drugs, she sits with her sign:

"Homeless and Hungry. Please help.
Love, Molly"

And so once a week I head past her, giving her slightly more than the nervous look that most of the homeless in Vancouver get from me. Homeless people are nothing new to me, and for that very reason, I don't give them money. For that same reason, I don't give Molly money. But something in my heart aches whenever I see her. That could be my sister, or my cousin, or my friend, sitting there on Granville St. She has long dark hair that reminds me of my step-mother, a round face so much like mine it's scary. That could be me... I don't know what she's been through, but any set of situations could have put me in that same place, praying every day that someone will care.

I remember one day, Molly wasn't there when I walked past. Her sign lay in the same spot it has for all the time I've been walking on Granville. But she had vanished. Worry sprang in my mind, what could have happened, was she alright, had someone hurt her? I cared.

Today I had to go pick up my phone charger because I left it at the store. I got McDonalds on the way back and didn't finish more than half of it. I decided to hang onto my food, give it out to someone who needed it. Walking back past her, I realized that I had saved it for her. I can say what I want, but that saved food was for her from the time I closed the box. Some part of me cares about her, and is rooting for her to get her life together. She was hunched over, shaking, when I gave her the food, likely high on something from her behavior. But I didn't feel any different about it.

Every Tuesday I walk past Molly and I am reminded of how good I have it. And I am thankful.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Thoughts...

In seven days, I will be twenty years old...

I'm not nearly ready to be twenty...

My GED prep book weighs more than my suitcase when it's full of shoes...

I don't want to get my ECE or any other silly degrees...

I want to go to art school...

I think I have been in love for a long time and am only just coming to realize it...

My new piercing is sore...

I don't know the meaning of life...

I desperately need a new computer... but I want a ferret...

I'm finding it harder and harder to justify my friends and their behavior...

I wonder what it would be like to be a hermit...

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

The Cat

Running, racing, writhing
Through the windswept woods
Freedom burning through my
Taut limbs, coursing
As I fly past the trees

I wake, startled to reality
Tears stinging my cheeks
As the scent of the forest fades
My heart aching with longing
To dash, unrestrained.

But I am not the creature
That runs in my dreams
No feline gazes from the mirror
Bound to this mortal body
I run only in my dreams.

So I close my eyes
And sleep...

Lost... Loved....

I feel unbearably alone these days, wandering a confusing and frightening path in this world, tangled with the strangeness of my friends and their battles against each other. I struggle to remain neutral, remain silent, to avoid being drawn into their fights.

Yet I feel a traitor for not speaking up when someone I know is innocent, is being falsely accused. I just don't want to create conflict, I'd rather avoid it at all costs, a trait that is beginning to turn me into a doormat. But I do feel like a traitor and I wish I could get up the courage to look a friend in the eye and tell them that they are wrong.

In related thoughts...

I'm terribly sick of people telling me that I'm not over D. I am VERY over D. They think I miss him, I thought I missed him. But we were all wrong. What I miss, what I long for is physical closeness, which is why I'm so easy to get close to. I love having someone in the bed next to me, climbing into a shower together. All the comforting acts that have nothing to do with sex. But I do not miss D. I really thought I did, even thought I might still love him. But I don't. Recently I have come to realize that I have finally gotten over him. It was an unhealthy relationship and I am better for being free of it.

I don't need him anymore. I don't love him. I am finally content just to be me. I think, at last... I'm learning to love myself. And it's a good feeling.

Love and Kisses
Andro Angel

Look at that girl...

Alright, so yesterday I had a photo shoot with fellow genderqueer and truly FABULOUS makeup artist, Scott Hurr. We traipsed around downtown, cheerfully traumatizing the passersby through a several hour long shoot that involved five separate locations and four costume changes. I got to frolic in Scott's lolita costume against an ivy backdrop, play wood nymph in my gorgeous gold and black medieval gown, and flirt in a alleyway school girl shoot. The first location was a bit awkward - I was in pants and I just never do well shooting in pants unless they are hot and sexy and made of leather.

But the second, dressed in a puffy lolita dress and blouse, swinging my japanese parasol around went magnificently and turned out the best set of the whole shoot. I had a blast and have even been loaned the dress for future play. We got some wicked shots of the boots Scott loaned me (on loan/stolen from another friend) and I just genuinely enjoyed myself. We used the same outfit for the third location, a rundown looking garage office and car where we got some fun retro looking shots.

For the fourth location we decided hit up Chinatown and shot around a fountain/parky type area just off the Skytrain. I got to play wood nymph and bounce around in my barefeet which I love and have not been able to do nearly enough since I moved out of my small and ridiculously clean town. We dragged the same costume down a massive flight of stairs to a little alley beneath, the fifth and last location where we did some "Jack the Ripper" inspired shots and then switched costumes, marched to the opposite end of the alley to play school girl. The last location didn't turn out as well - it was getting darker and without the flash, which tended to cause red-eye issues and funny looking skin, the photos were pretty blurred.

I had a blast though and got alot of random compliments during the shots at the fourth location, both on the dress and Scott's amazing make up work. Of course, I also got compared to a star trek character because of the way they curved my eyebrows up and dotted above them, for effect. They are one of my favorite make up artists to work with because of little things like that, it's just way too much fun wearing extreme make up like that and then going out in public. The photos are up on facebook and I have, as you see, posted small sampling of them here for viewer pleasure.

Cause I looked so hot yesterday, you all must see it ^.^

Love and Kisses
Andro Angel

In the beginning there was darkness...

So in an attempt to maximize exposure and try and become an honest and true blogger, I have dragged my hesitant blog from the safe confines of livejournal and joined up with blogspot. This has come with much humming and hawing, as I have been a loyal livejournal girl for many years. But change appears to be a necessary evil.

So here it goes...

I am a twenty year old fetish model and photographer. I also delve into fashion and sci-fi/fantasy shoots, as flexibility is always a good idea. At the moment I work mostly in the "amateur" grouping, helping friends build their portfolios and doing small privately owned websites. I occasionally work as a webcam girl for IMLive, although it's been many months since I managed to get online and do any work. My main job (the one that pays the bills) is as a clerk in an adult video store. I work graveyards so there will most likely be many many random posts involving the ins and outs of that job, as well as the strange people that have come in to chat.

Writing is a passion of mine. My first work is due to be published some time next year in an anthology of prose-type true stories by the friends, family and significant others of transsexuals, written about my ex-partner who is an FTM transexual - I may or may not post it here, I am removing it from my livejournal at least until it is published. I write with relative frequency. What started out as a hobby, something to vent and let everything out, appears to actually have a great deal of potential as a career.

While most of my work deals in prose and chatter about my day to day, I will occasionally brave posting my poetry online, for honest critique - I can't be as good as I think I am, and thus need my ego to be dragged down occasionally by friendly "wtf is this shit?" type comments.

Anyways, that's all for this post. Stay tuned for some chatter on my most recent photo shoot with photographer/make-up artist Scott Hurr.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel