Surprised...

So I spent the better part of Friday night on the phone with my ex. This would be D, the only person I've ever lived with and the very specific ex that I used to blog about frequently before starting up on Blogger. To understand why Friday was so unusual, one has to understand that for the last year since our break up, D and I have had an on again/off again friendship involving several spats and the most recent "not talking to each other" period of about six months, since he broke up with M and I learned to say no, in the process saying it far too much and upsetting him. While I desperately needed to grow a backbone, I chose a bad time to grow it and was far too firm with him, although sometimes he does need that.

Anyways, D and I are both damaged and it's left us very conflicted with each other. So when he called on Friday, I was expecting it to go badly. I know I've done a lot of growing these past months but what I didn't realize was that so has D, partly because my recent conversations with M before I stopped talking to him suggested otherwise. We had an awesome conversation, chatted for an hour while I was getting to work and probably another hour after I got there. It sounds like he's doing really well and I heard none of the "pity me" that M and others had warned me about. In fact, I'm really beginning to think that D is someone that I could like, someone I could have as a friend again. I'm hoping he feels the same. What we had is long gone and I can't be the man he needs, I've always known that. But I think we could build a friendship that is even stronger.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Congratulations...

My breath catches in my chest
I start to shake
My hands get cold
I get dizzy
Frightened, tearing up
Because he lied
Because he said...
He said, he said, he said...
He said all the pretty words
And then turned around
And took them away
Turned around and hurt me
Again...

Liar liar, pants on fire
Hanging on a telephone wire

He held me and told me
That he was still my friend
That I could be honest with him
And yet here I sit
Shaking, screaming
Because he said he needed space
Promised peace and gave emptyness
Perhaps that's what he meant
I'll be at peace... alone.
Drowning because nobody
Can let me be me
Without getting offended

Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you fucking wanted?

He's striving to obtain
His perfect form
Injecting himself with chemicals
To make himself feel good
Cutting away what he hates
And yet...
Growing into a person
I barely recognize...
Because the woman I knew
Would never hurt people
Would never talk to me like this
Why, in becoming this man
Should he change so drastically?

Why do I keep trying
When the change is imminent...

I'm shaking
Because I'm watching him pull away
I'm sick to my stomach
In watching the way
He falls into a world view
Of manhood
Instead of being the sweet
Sensitive human being
- fuck gender, man, woman, whatever-
That I once knew
He's forgotten the lessons
That womanhood taught him
Respect, love, companionship

Congratulations
You're a real man... what a shame.

Past, Present and Future

So I'm going to talk about some heavy stuff today, mainly because I need to get it off my chest. A lot has happened lately that has been affected by some abuse I went through when I was younger. The person *we'll call them A here for easy reading* perpetrating the abuse was beating me up on a fairly regular basis from the time I was six until they left my life when I was fourteen. Along with the near daily hitting, kicking etc. they were also abusing me sexually, coercing me into games that in hindsight, I did enjoy, which has left me with a deep sense of guilt over the whole thing because not once did I stop it. Now, I did not understand what was happening when I was young and as I grew older, A was always bigger than me, until long after they left and I grew. It never occured to me to tell my mother or father - I was being accused of getting A in trouble all the time and didn't know if they would believe me.

The games started out fully clothed with strange actions that, at six and for the following few years, I did not recognize because, well, it's not like people are demonstrating sex to you at that age. As we got older, it did progress to full blown sex, because A knew I wasn't going to tell. Looking back on it, it was obvious that A had been abused before they came to live with us, and that they were in turn playing the role of the aggressor in starting these games with me.

The thing is... not only was A younger than me by two years (which didn't change the fact that they were always bigger than me) but A... was female. I know my case is almost unheard of and that is a big part of the reason I've put off seeing someone about it. I have talked to people about it - I have a friend whose childhood abuser was female, though an adult and my last couple of partners have been told, mainly because I hit a state of panic when I try to go too far with someone. To this day I've managed to avoid letting people below my waist. A was and has remained the only person I've gone down on, touched below the waist, the only one to go down on me and touch me below the waist... with the exception of D, a moment of panic for me that left me out of sorts for days afterwards. I have had some very careful sexual experiences but none involved going under clothes, everything was controlled as best as I could manage because the minute it goes further, it's like the walls start to close in and I panic.

This confusion, this panic, is what cost me the first person I actually wanted to sleep with (and by sleep I mean fuck until neither of us could walk), the most recent person I've dated. We are still friends and I hope always will be, but there is always going to be a wall there now. I've started reading alot and one thing I've realized about myself is one of the defenses I've built up because of the abuse I went through. I test people. It's not intentional, but it's like I have to prove to myself that it's ok that I don't go all the way with them, because they are just using me. By refusing and pushing away, when they back off, it gives me the "proof" I need to say that they didn't want anything but sex. This most recent person I was seeing ended all closeness outside of friendship in a letter, part of which said that he couldn't be close to me and not want to fuck me.

It was like the ultimate proof, even if that wasn't the way it was intended. It left me feeling very much like I'd been duped. I think even if I hadn't spent my whole life subconsciously looking for signs the people were using me, I'd have still been hurt and the abuse I went through only made it worse. I just wish he'd been able to be patient, to stand beside me while I healed, while I dealt with this instead of making sure that it would happen at a distance.

So that's that...

As for the future, I have to find a person of a psychological nature who is all of the following: queer friendly, not easily shocked, has the ability to write prescriptions (I would not be surprised if I ended up needing something to stabilize me enough to deal with my shit), lives in Vancouver or the surrounding area, has dealt with childhood abuse cases before and, also, is free.

Not asking much am I?

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Alone

I am dreaming...

In my dream, I am my True Self, the person I know myself to be, on the outside and inside. Androgeny is apparent in my willowy build, in the way I carry myself, not even my clothes betray a hint or a clue as to my identity. I smile inwardly as I walk down the street because in my dream I can hear the thoughts of those around me... what is it?... is that a man or a woman... I wish I looked like that... should I ask them out?... I want to laugh but I know I musn't, that it's more fun to leave them guessing, and after all, my voice is still so very feminine, even with the gentle husk of my alto tone.

I know no lover, no desire because such petty complications of friendship and caring are beneath this perfect state of no gender, no sexuality, no rules or labels. This is not to say that I know no love, because I have a gentle nuturing love for all those around me. I have reached, in this dream, a state of perfect love and understanding of humanity. Love that requires no intimacy as proof of devotion.

I spend my days wandering the streets, my nights wrapped in the arms of whoever I have discovered on the street that day, giving them not sex, but peace and safety in the embrace of someone who no longer feels the need for justification.

I wake up...