Lost...

I'm standing alone in a forest. It's dark, even as I raise my hand in front of me, it vanishes into the blackness. This place used to be one of light, a clearing full of flowers, but now, like me, it has lost its vivid life, the thing that made it whole. It descended in a single moment, into a pit, where nothing good, nothing light could ever be.

I take a step forward and stumble, feel the harsh earth below tear at my hands, scent the metallic blood that seeps from the tattered flesh. That should be yours, that blood, only you should draw it from my skin, but I have left you at the edge of this forest, in the light, while I ventured forwards. If I had known that the darkness would swallow us both, I would have kept hold of you, but I thought you'd be safer outside of this place.

I kneel in the mud, raise my gaze to the starless sky and I hope that soon you will stumble upon me and together we might bring back the light.

This bleak forest is my soul, without you.

Broken...

Sometimes I make decisions. Sometimes they are based on what I think the people around me need and sometimes, on very rare occasions, they're based on what I know I need. Last night I made one of those "for me" decisions." I decided, after giving myself some cool down time to think about it, that I needed to end the relationship I have been building with S. It was nothing against them, but there is a lot of Drama, with that capital D, between them and my ex and it's just way too much for me to deal with. It's not my drama and I shouldn't have to deal with it.

It's not often I decide to do anything simply for me. And so, when I make these occasional selfish choices, people tend to jump all over me, call me all sorts of names. In this case the main name was coward, followed by accusations that I was running away from challenges. I don't know what part of "my step-dad died, I start school in a week, I suffer from anxiety and depression and I don't need anymore CRAP" nobody seems to understand.

I think the hardest part is that my ex spend the better part of three hours berating me and it appears that S was fine with it. It fucking broke my heart to have to end things with S and I thought they understood why I needed to pull away, why this was so important to me. I had hoped that with time, we could continue our friendship and now I worry that they have truly washed their hands of me.

There is a part of me screaming that this was a mistake, but the much larger part of me knows that it wasn't, and that the tirade my ex dumped on me is proof that the drama was only getting worse. I think the very worst part was that he really doesn't seem to see that his relationship is in trouble. Another affirming point to the fact that I did this right, because I can see and S can see and multiple other people can see that they have things to work on, and if my ex can't... he never would have seen the end coming if he'd continued on the path he was on.

I have to believe that it's ok to make decisions for my own heart. I feel so much for S, and I know that if it was really meant to be a long term thing with them, we will find our way back to each other with time.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Dirty Meme! - yoinked from Donna

Apparently it’s meme week. I can play that game. Here’s the dirty one:

# Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
Um... there isn't a friends list on here, really, but I bet this is meant to be for like, facebook or something so... on that friends list.... absolutely!

# Sex in the morning, afternoon, or night?
Wait... is it different depending on when you have it? Lol.

# What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Left, but usually with pillows piled on the right.

# Do you masturbate?
Well... yeah. Who doesn't? Seriously now.

# How often?
Enough. Lol.

# Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
Not that I can think of.

# Do you prefer showers or baths?
Showers because I know how much dirt stays stuck to your body when you have a bath *squirms* eeew...

# Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath?
Not sex, but I've shared snuggly showers with a couple of people. I love showering with people because it's intimate nudity that doesn't have to lead to sex.

# Do you watch/read pornography?
Not as much as I used to.

# Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
Aggressive. I'm not aggressive or even assertive enough to be in control of bedroom situations lol.

# Do you love someone on your friends list?
Um... I'm going to say no.

# Do you know all the people on your friends list?
With the exception of a couple.

# Would you choose love or money?
Right now money because I have 23,000 worth of schooling to pay off and nobody that I love in my life.

# Your top three favorite kinks in bed?
Biting, scratching and um... wait I can only pick three!? Well those two are Mum friendly so yeah...

# Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually?
Yes, but they learned damn quick.

# Where is the most romantic place you have had sex?
Can't answer this one for personal reasons.

# Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
See above

# Have you ever been caught having sex?
And again. Been busted making out and almost more than that, more than once by my mum in highschool.

# Have you ever been to a strip club?.
Nope.

# Ever been to a bar just to get sex?
No. If you've heard the "ass-pirate... fairy... thing" story, you understand why.

# Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club for sexual reasons?
See above.

# Ever been picked up in a bar?
Nope.

# Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex?
Um... DUH.

# What’s your sexuality?
I like people ^.^

# Had sex in a movie theater?
Nope

# Had sex in a bathroom?
Nope.

# Have you ever had sex at work?
Yes, I know, I'm boring. Nope.

# Have you ever been in an “adult” store?
Uh, yeah. I work in one.

# Bought something from an adult store?
Frequently. 30% discount is the shit!

# Do you own any sex toys?
Oh maybe a few...

# If yes, how many and what are they?
Shhh....

# Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?
Um, yep. Ask Katt and Wolfe lol.

# Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?
Nope, but I've been called by the wrong name.

# Have you ever had phonesex?
Nope.

# Have you ever had cybersex?
Frequently in highschool. Less so now.

# Do you think oral sex constitutes as a form of intercourse?
Not intercourse no, but it's definitely a form of sex.

# What’s your favorite sexual position?
Ask me in a couple of years.

# What’s your favorite sex act?
See above. There's too much I haven't tried yet!

# Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time?
Not yet.

# Who do you think has the guts to repost this?
No idea. I'm not even sure who reads this blog.

Freshly shorn feline

A couple of months ago I shaved my head again and today I re-shaved it. I'd forgotten how much I love it, and how alien it makes me seem to other people. I keep wondering why they're staring at me these past couple of months and then remembering "right... it's not normal to run around with a shaved head if you were born a girl... oops."

Well I thought it was funny...

I have actually managed to keep the seat next to me clear on a crowded Skytrain without putting my bag or my knee on it. The same applies to buses. People would rather stand and be lurched around as the bus shoots around corners than sit next to the weird bald chick. I sent a message to S a few days ago laughing about how nobody wanted to sit next to me. I get funny looks when I offer the seat next to me, and when I stand people actually move out of the way. Careful folks, the weird might be contagious!

Or maybe they're worried they might catch my gay...

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Me + NyQuil = BAD!

So I've discovered that NyQuil is evil. And it makes me kinda high. So no more NyQuil.

I decided out of the blue to get incredibly sick yesterday. I went from "a little woozy and not so great" to "omg the world inside my head is exploding". So, being the genius human being I am, I decided to ask for cold and flu meds. Temperature? Check. Nausea? Oh hell yes. Sore throat and congestion? Yup. Sounds like "cold or flu" to me. So, NyQuil in pill form it is. Here's the kicker. They package the NyQuil in little bubble packs of two. Because you're supposed to take two. Unless, like me, you don't take medication often, in which case, for future referance of all you "chemical haters" IGNORE THAT SECOND PILL. For the love of the Goddess, ignore that second pill.

Needless to say it went poorly. About a half an hour later the world started spinning. Best part of that was that for the life of me I couldn't figure out why the world was spinning until I remembered the NyQuil. That was... yeah... bad.

Sleeps now

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Cradle of Filth and yet more exploits...

Warning... aaah never mind. You get the point.

Monday night I finally after many many years of loving them, got to see Cradle of Filth live at the Commodore Ballroom. For those of you out there who don't know this, I got into Cradle before I even knew who Marilyn Manson was and Dani Filth was my god long before the lovely Mr. Manson was. The openers were Septic Flesh and Satyricon (which my ex was triply pleased by because Satyricon is a Norwegian death metal band who's founder has the same last name as him. He has a lot of pride in his homeland.) who were super awesome. I liked Satyricon best - nothing beats synchronized headbanging (I kid you not, they had two people on one side of the lead singer going side to side and two on the other side doing circles, all in perfect time with each other. Was amazing.)

Unfortunately during Satyricon the mosh pit was shooting crowd surfers all over the place and one that went the other direction ended up coming back towards us. I had one hand on the rail, one arm around this little (super hot) emo chick, and though I managed to cover her and I tried to duck, he landed directly on my head. 200 lbs of guy landing on one's head is not particularly comfortable, especially when your neck is wretched to one side. I got what appears to be a mild case of whiplash, spent two days unable to see or hear properly out of my left side and a slight concussion. And thus I went from being right on the rail for the two openers, to standing on the very far side of the Commodore for Cradle of Filth, which was my only real reason for being there. It was fucking heartbreaking but I did get to see them, so while I didn't get to be right there staring up at Dani and the rest, I did get to be there and that has to be enough for me. (On a side note, my ex and S did look super hot that night which kinda made up for it)

Tuesday was my day with S, they had an appointment at 11, so my ex and I chatted and hung out and got S's computer debugged thanks to my Dad. Then my ex headed out and S and I went to Granville Island. I haven't been to Granville Island since I was almost sixteen, the day I started my period. That was a wonderful trip. This one was quite a bit more pleasant, we got to hit all sorts of neat little stores - I had forgotten they had the dragon store there and was quite stoked to go again after all these years. S made a mystery purchase and then we wandered into a few different little stores, checked out the toy stores that have their own building, where S purchased a smurf to represent me on their wall of smurfs, and then we decided we were done and headed out. We bussed back to S's house and relaxed for a bit, chatted and hung out. At this point my head was starting to hurt and the lovely concussion that I acquired on Monday night means that while I know S and I played - I remember being blindfolded and a few pretty good flogger hits, and I seem to dimly recall a meat tenderizer and some little electric thing that tickled more than anything, I don't remember anything super clearly. Other than that, I know we stopped because my head was swimming which meant I called enough a lot sooner than I would have normally.

We went for dinner at a really neat little place up on Davie, and then went to the show that my ex was performing at. Actually from now on I'm just going to say "D" for my ex. Sick of typing my ex, sounds derogatory. D performed earlier in the show and then my friend Artemis performed a little later. After Artemis performed, S and I headed out. We ended up grabbing Saw V from the movie store and snuggling on the bed while we watched that. We got half way through, before almost falling asleep so we gave up on the movie and crashed.

Was much goodness, even if I was very fuzzy of head for the end of Tuesday. I think I pulled off 'coherent' pretty well though. And I got to spend time with an awesome human being. Who could ask for more?

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

More Adventures...

WARNING: SAME AS BEFORE. NO MUM!

Yesterday was John's memorial. It was extremely rough and all the happy that I got during the piercing play dissipated. Was missing the floaty head, but I was doing ok. I got to talk to S afterwards and that was nice, as well as pick up my tuition cheque from the greyhound where my Dad had shipped it. Means I can drop it off and see Cradle tomorrow. Whoot!

On my way to the Greyhound, I got a call from S, suggesting I come out to Vancouver for visits, get all the blegh out of my system with friends. It was a good suggestion so I got home, changed and headed out. I had decided to bring the bondage book S wanted to see, simply because I figured I could leave it with them to figure out. I am very naive sometimes, lol.


I get there, we chat for a bit and I hand over the book, only to have S constantly picking it up, flicking through it and lamenting (while eying my ex and I suggestively) that they want to try some of the ties. My ex finally consents to this "torment" and ends up with both wrists tied, and before he knows it, he's strung up to the bed being caned, and then bent over the bed being flogged. Those are his details to share, so I won't go too much into it, but I was eying them from the couch, clutching a pillow and doing a fair bit of drooling over the flogger.

After they'd had some downtime, my ex is going through the book and itching to try to tie the dragonfly sleeve, which is a full arm behind the back bind. After way too many giggles as we sat at the coffee table trying to figure it out, S looking on in amusement, he finally got me tied into it, though it was a bit of trial and error. I have tendinitis in my shoulders so we were all a bit worried about tying too tight, but I think because I relaxed into it, it was completely painless, which is good, means I can probably go a bit tighter next time. My ex concluded his knot tying practice by presenting a flogger to S (probably good to mention at this point that while S left him strung to the bed so that they could check their internet stuffs, I mocked and teased him, just a little, from the couch, when he couldn't retaliate.)

So I got flogged, properly, for the first time in almost two years. The last time a flogger touched my skin with any level of intent was at a flogging workshop that Katt and Wolfe put on in their dungeon during a play party in 2007. I was stunt bottoming for people to practice on after the workshop. I took more this time than I would have before, which makes me all puffed up and proud of myself because I know that I didn't take as much as a lot of bottoms can, but for me, I did good. My back was quite warm and welted afterwards and after sitting and visiting a little while longer, S went to bed and my ex and I tossed ourselves out the door for a long walk and chat, both completely blissed out and constantly patting each other a little harder than necessary on the back.

So it seems this blog is finally getting to the goal I had for it, to share my exploits. It helps when one has exploits to share!

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel