Going somewhere else...

Kate Bornstein says that if you want to live without gender "You look for where gender is, and then you go somewhere else."

I like going somewhere else. I find it very freeing to live outside of the gender spectrum and so I find it very stifling when people tell me things like "You're such a girl." It's been happening a lot lately, coming from several different people. I am not a girl. I'm not a boy and yes, I am feminine, but I'm not within any particular gender. I'm female by body, feminine by appearance, genderqueer by my own definition, based on years of searching through specifications. I have been with only one person who accepted that fact, who didn't try to press me into one gender or the other. Unfortunately, said person is no longer a major part of my life, which breaks my heart because I had hoped that they would be a part of my life for a long time.

Kate talks a lot about people treating them differently as they came to change their gender from male to female and then coming to find a place in between. I never went all the way to the other gender - I have certainly played with masculine appearance, done male drag, but I never "felt" that I was "male". Trouble is, that I've never "felt female" either. I've lived, unintentionally until recently, in the middle. But now I want to live with intention. I want to challenge people's views on gender and I want them to see that I'm not what they think.

I have a shaved head. It's part of me, part of my presentation and it tends to really skew people's views on what my gender is or isn't. I get alot of questions, alot of funny looks, and surprisingly enough, alot of compliments. And I love that. I love that it's enough to alter people's perception. I hope to spend the rest of my life altering people's perception of gender.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Major Goal...

Current goal: Join VAPA and get work into the Exposure Gallery
By: Summer 2009

http://www.exposuregallery.ca/

Musing...

What does it mean when the teacher is late getting back to class?
Hmm...

Lost...

I'm standing alone in a forest. It's dark, even as I raise my hand in front of me, it vanishes into the blackness. This place used to be one of light, a clearing full of flowers, but now, like me, it has lost its vivid life, the thing that made it whole. It descended in a single moment, into a pit, where nothing good, nothing light could ever be.

I take a step forward and stumble, feel the harsh earth below tear at my hands, scent the metallic blood that seeps from the tattered flesh. That should be yours, that blood, only you should draw it from my skin, but I have left you at the edge of this forest, in the light, while I ventured forwards. If I had known that the darkness would swallow us both, I would have kept hold of you, but I thought you'd be safer outside of this place.

I kneel in the mud, raise my gaze to the starless sky and I hope that soon you will stumble upon me and together we might bring back the light.

This bleak forest is my soul, without you.

Broken...

Sometimes I make decisions. Sometimes they are based on what I think the people around me need and sometimes, on very rare occasions, they're based on what I know I need. Last night I made one of those "for me" decisions." I decided, after giving myself some cool down time to think about it, that I needed to end the relationship I have been building with S. It was nothing against them, but there is a lot of Drama, with that capital D, between them and my ex and it's just way too much for me to deal with. It's not my drama and I shouldn't have to deal with it.

It's not often I decide to do anything simply for me. And so, when I make these occasional selfish choices, people tend to jump all over me, call me all sorts of names. In this case the main name was coward, followed by accusations that I was running away from challenges. I don't know what part of "my step-dad died, I start school in a week, I suffer from anxiety and depression and I don't need anymore CRAP" nobody seems to understand.

I think the hardest part is that my ex spend the better part of three hours berating me and it appears that S was fine with it. It fucking broke my heart to have to end things with S and I thought they understood why I needed to pull away, why this was so important to me. I had hoped that with time, we could continue our friendship and now I worry that they have truly washed their hands of me.

There is a part of me screaming that this was a mistake, but the much larger part of me knows that it wasn't, and that the tirade my ex dumped on me is proof that the drama was only getting worse. I think the very worst part was that he really doesn't seem to see that his relationship is in trouble. Another affirming point to the fact that I did this right, because I can see and S can see and multiple other people can see that they have things to work on, and if my ex can't... he never would have seen the end coming if he'd continued on the path he was on.

I have to believe that it's ok to make decisions for my own heart. I feel so much for S, and I know that if it was really meant to be a long term thing with them, we will find our way back to each other with time.

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel

Dirty Meme! - yoinked from Donna

Apparently it’s meme week. I can play that game. Here’s the dirty one:

# Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
Um... there isn't a friends list on here, really, but I bet this is meant to be for like, facebook or something so... on that friends list.... absolutely!

# Sex in the morning, afternoon, or night?
Wait... is it different depending on when you have it? Lol.

# What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Left, but usually with pillows piled on the right.

# Do you masturbate?
Well... yeah. Who doesn't? Seriously now.

# How often?
Enough. Lol.

# Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
Not that I can think of.

# Do you prefer showers or baths?
Showers because I know how much dirt stays stuck to your body when you have a bath *squirms* eeew...

# Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath?
Not sex, but I've shared snuggly showers with a couple of people. I love showering with people because it's intimate nudity that doesn't have to lead to sex.

# Do you watch/read pornography?
Not as much as I used to.

# Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
Aggressive. I'm not aggressive or even assertive enough to be in control of bedroom situations lol.

# Do you love someone on your friends list?
Um... I'm going to say no.

# Do you know all the people on your friends list?
With the exception of a couple.

# Would you choose love or money?
Right now money because I have 23,000 worth of schooling to pay off and nobody that I love in my life.

# Your top three favorite kinks in bed?
Biting, scratching and um... wait I can only pick three!? Well those two are Mum friendly so yeah...

# Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually?
Yes, but they learned damn quick.

# Where is the most romantic place you have had sex?
Can't answer this one for personal reasons.

# Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
See above

# Have you ever been caught having sex?
And again. Been busted making out and almost more than that, more than once by my mum in highschool.

# Have you ever been to a strip club?.
Nope.

# Ever been to a bar just to get sex?
No. If you've heard the "ass-pirate... fairy... thing" story, you understand why.

# Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club for sexual reasons?
See above.

# Ever been picked up in a bar?
Nope.

# Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex?
Um... DUH.

# What’s your sexuality?
I like people ^.^

# Had sex in a movie theater?
Nope

# Had sex in a bathroom?
Nope.

# Have you ever had sex at work?
Yes, I know, I'm boring. Nope.

# Have you ever been in an “adult” store?
Uh, yeah. I work in one.

# Bought something from an adult store?
Frequently. 30% discount is the shit!

# Do you own any sex toys?
Oh maybe a few...

# If yes, how many and what are they?
Shhh....

# Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?
Um, yep. Ask Katt and Wolfe lol.

# Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?
Nope, but I've been called by the wrong name.

# Have you ever had phonesex?
Nope.

# Have you ever had cybersex?
Frequently in highschool. Less so now.

# Do you think oral sex constitutes as a form of intercourse?
Not intercourse no, but it's definitely a form of sex.

# What’s your favorite sexual position?
Ask me in a couple of years.

# What’s your favorite sex act?
See above. There's too much I haven't tried yet!

# Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time?
Not yet.

# Who do you think has the guts to repost this?
No idea. I'm not even sure who reads this blog.

Freshly shorn feline

A couple of months ago I shaved my head again and today I re-shaved it. I'd forgotten how much I love it, and how alien it makes me seem to other people. I keep wondering why they're staring at me these past couple of months and then remembering "right... it's not normal to run around with a shaved head if you were born a girl... oops."

Well I thought it was funny...

I have actually managed to keep the seat next to me clear on a crowded Skytrain without putting my bag or my knee on it. The same applies to buses. People would rather stand and be lurched around as the bus shoots around corners than sit next to the weird bald chick. I sent a message to S a few days ago laughing about how nobody wanted to sit next to me. I get funny looks when I offer the seat next to me, and when I stand people actually move out of the way. Careful folks, the weird might be contagious!

Or maybe they're worried they might catch my gay...

Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel