I was drifting. I was starting to draw within myself, pull away from all the people I loved and cared about. I don't know that I was doing it on purpose, but I was. And then I had to bring S to the hospital today. That brought me back. I'm back outside my own little world and realizing how shitty life would be without hym. Seeing hym so sick, even if it is most likely just a flu, terrified me. I love hym so much, I think that really hit home today. I've been so scared to tie myself down, to have a reason to not leave Vancouver, that I think I was unconciously trying to keep myself distant from the best reason of all.
I have an amazing partner who has not been getting nearly enough of my time, something that will swiftly be remedied. I'm going to head over to the hospital tomorrow to spend the evening with hym and talk to hym, let hym know I'm sorry I've been so spacey lately and that I didn't mean to pull away.
So many mistakes made, all the time. Sometimes I don't even understand myself.
Love and Kisses
Andro Angel
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Good quote from Stone Butch Blues
"If I'm not with a butch, everyone just assumes I'm straight. It's like I'm passing too, against my will. I'm sick of the world thinking I'm straight. I've worked hard to be discriminated against as a lesbian"
-Theresa
Stone Butch Blues, Leslie Feinberg
-Theresa
Stone Butch Blues, Leslie Feinberg
Do I?
I should hate you. You've betrayed me, hurt me, used me and yet... there is still a part of me that has hope, that believes that you are better than this. You have lost a lot of people and that same part feels bad for you. I am in no way the "most wronged" in this situation, only one of the wronged. One of so many.
You seemed so strong to me, so proud. I thought nothing could take you down and I loved that you could still have fun. And then things changed. You lost something of yourself and I watched as you slipped away from all the people who cared about you. We all tried and tried, but eventually... it was just too much and we had to let you go. And it was right about then that, for a short time, you woke up, you came back to us. For a few short weeks, we got to see you laugh. We knew that you were slowly returning to her, but that was ok. We thought there was a chance that this laughter might continue...
No such luck and you vanished again.
So when I saw you last week, I had to fight, with anger, with sadness, with regret. But most of all I had to fight with hope. Because that is the one that hurts us.
I want to hate you...
But do I?
Never.
You seemed so strong to me, so proud. I thought nothing could take you down and I loved that you could still have fun. And then things changed. You lost something of yourself and I watched as you slipped away from all the people who cared about you. We all tried and tried, but eventually... it was just too much and we had to let you go. And it was right about then that, for a short time, you woke up, you came back to us. For a few short weeks, we got to see you laugh. We knew that you were slowly returning to her, but that was ok. We thought there was a chance that this laughter might continue...
No such luck and you vanished again.
So when I saw you last week, I had to fight, with anger, with sadness, with regret. But most of all I had to fight with hope. Because that is the one that hurts us.
I want to hate you...
But do I?
Never.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
On the road to nowhere fast...
My feet itch and twitch and shudder, wondering why I'm stuck in this place when there's a whole world out there to explore. I want to run, want to explore these lands with bare feet, an open heart. Get my hands dirty. And yet there's so much invested here in Vancouver. I have school which is a year long commitment that my parents are putting alot of money into. So I know that I'm here at least a year. It seem so long to be here...
I know I want to travel across California, stop in San Francisco and go to Stonewall, then head down through the southwestern United States, into Mexico, probably backpack it. I want to go to Haiti eventually, photograph the refugee efforts being put on by various charities through the country. I want to backpack across this continent and then move onto the next, do as much of South America as I can. Then make my way to Australia. I want photograph so many things, so many people. I want to meet the natives in Australia, to live among them, to learn from them.
Part of me feels like I'm trapped, like I've trapped myself with the things and people I've connected myself to. But I love the people that I'm connected to and in choosing between a huge unknown and the people I know and love, my family, my partner... It's a painful thought.
I think when I finish school, I will travel. I think... that I need it.
Even if it turns out to be a horrible disaster, even if I fail, I can say that I lived.
I know I want to travel across California, stop in San Francisco and go to Stonewall, then head down through the southwestern United States, into Mexico, probably backpack it. I want to go to Haiti eventually, photograph the refugee efforts being put on by various charities through the country. I want to backpack across this continent and then move onto the next, do as much of South America as I can. Then make my way to Australia. I want photograph so many things, so many people. I want to meet the natives in Australia, to live among them, to learn from them.
Part of me feels like I'm trapped, like I've trapped myself with the things and people I've connected myself to. But I love the people that I'm connected to and in choosing between a huge unknown and the people I know and love, my family, my partner... It's a painful thought.
I think when I finish school, I will travel. I think... that I need it.
Even if it turns out to be a horrible disaster, even if I fail, I can say that I lived.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Step by step...
I've been taking baby steps towards being more comfortable in my own body, and comfortable with allowing people to touch me, to touch them. I hate that it causes me so many problems, mainly because I hate seeing the look on a partner's face when I pull away. It can range anywhere from anger, to disgust, to hurt, and it destroys me every time.
Unfortunately the only way one can really become more comfortable in their own skin, is to actually touch and be touched and right now being touched involves literally forcing myself to stay still, almost holding my breath, while someone's hands are on me. It can be agonizing because there's a major flight instinct, and I can't help but want to run, or pull away, and eventually I have to because I just can't do it. It makes me feel damn pathetic.
S and I have been working on it, last night was alot of fun and playful touching, rarely going below the waist and most of the time when it did, I panicked. The panic doesn't kick in nearly as badly when I'm touching someone else, but I get shy around it because, to be honest, I'm worried I'll do it wrong. I've had so little experience with sex and the thought of not bringing someone pleasure, of performing badly - performance anxiety I guess - is terrifying!
*sighs*
I'm working on it. Baby steps right?
Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel
Unfortunately the only way one can really become more comfortable in their own skin, is to actually touch and be touched and right now being touched involves literally forcing myself to stay still, almost holding my breath, while someone's hands are on me. It can be agonizing because there's a major flight instinct, and I can't help but want to run, or pull away, and eventually I have to because I just can't do it. It makes me feel damn pathetic.
S and I have been working on it, last night was alot of fun and playful touching, rarely going below the waist and most of the time when it did, I panicked. The panic doesn't kick in nearly as badly when I'm touching someone else, but I get shy around it because, to be honest, I'm worried I'll do it wrong. I've had so little experience with sex and the thought of not bringing someone pleasure, of performing badly - performance anxiety I guess - is terrifying!
*sighs*
I'm working on it. Baby steps right?
Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel
Monday, March 9, 2009
Hardware Review - Wacom Intuos3
So I picked up a Wacom tablet on Friday, for the purpose of editing and such during my digital photography courses and beyond. My original intent was to purchase the small Wacom Bamboo Fun, a creative editing tool that runs about $130.00 CDN at Futureshop, or $99.00 US. However, after chatting with a few tablet wielding folks in my class, all of whom stated that the Bamboo didn't have fine enough pixal control, I decided on the Wacom Intuos3
The Intuos3 starts at $280.00 CDN at Futureshop (About $220.00 US) and is specially designed for digital editting and creative professionals. It is described on the Wacom website as "the most popular pen tablet for creative professionals" and comes in six differant sizes, starting down at 4x6 and going all the way up to 12x19. For practicality and affordibility, I chose the 4x6 which is more than enough space to play with.
One of the main things I struggled with at first was the fact that you don't have to drag or shuffle the pen the way you do a mouse to cover the whole screen. Each point on the tablet represents a piece of your screen so you literally grab something, move it to another point and let it go. The "right click" function is performed by a button on the side of the pen. The only complaint I have there is that you have to hold it down and wait for it to load before it actually clicks. It can be a bit complicated and I find that I'm resorting to using the touchpad on my laptop when I get frustrated.
I've been trying to use the tablet all the time to get myself adjusted to it and so far I'm really impressed with what I can do with it. I practiced some of my sketching exercises and I find that I get the same finite control that I do when using a pencil, the control that's lost when using a mouse. I also love that Vista includes a pen function that allows me to take the tablet and write things in. My writing, especially when using a computer tool, is chickenscratch and the tablet can even read that, which I find pretty incredible, since that was my main concern with using it as a note taking tool.
I'm going to add to the review as the year goes on, especially when it comes to the editting techniques, but so far I'm thoroughly impressed with it.
The Intuos3 starts at $280.00 CDN at Futureshop (About $220.00 US) and is specially designed for digital editting and creative professionals. It is described on the Wacom website as "the most popular pen tablet for creative professionals" and comes in six differant sizes, starting down at 4x6 and going all the way up to 12x19. For practicality and affordibility, I chose the 4x6 which is more than enough space to play with.
One of the main things I struggled with at first was the fact that you don't have to drag or shuffle the pen the way you do a mouse to cover the whole screen. Each point on the tablet represents a piece of your screen so you literally grab something, move it to another point and let it go. The "right click" function is performed by a button on the side of the pen. The only complaint I have there is that you have to hold it down and wait for it to load before it actually clicks. It can be a bit complicated and I find that I'm resorting to using the touchpad on my laptop when I get frustrated.
I've been trying to use the tablet all the time to get myself adjusted to it and so far I'm really impressed with what I can do with it. I practiced some of my sketching exercises and I find that I get the same finite control that I do when using a pencil, the control that's lost when using a mouse. I also love that Vista includes a pen function that allows me to take the tablet and write things in. My writing, especially when using a computer tool, is chickenscratch and the tablet can even read that, which I find pretty incredible, since that was my main concern with using it as a note taking tool.
I'm going to add to the review as the year goes on, especially when it comes to the editting techniques, but so far I'm thoroughly impressed with it.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Creation...
I've started writing this piece that I'm really proud of. It's about passion, about losing it and finding it again. I've been getting stuck on it and I finally put it on my flash drive, I'm hoping having it with me will help me get to work on it.
I'm really hoping it will go somewhere, because I really love it. It's the first time I've felt really impassioned about my writing in months and that means a lot to me...
Anyways, that's really all I'm going to say about it because I don't want to jinx it, haha. Peace all.
Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel
I'm really hoping it will go somewhere, because I really love it. It's the first time I've felt really impassioned about my writing in months and that means a lot to me...
Anyways, that's really all I'm going to say about it because I don't want to jinx it, haha. Peace all.
Love and Kisses,
Andro Angel
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